I realised it a few days ago, but it seemed to have crept slowly and subtly in... I'm talking about my 'christmas spirit' of course. It all started a few days ago now, with me humming christmas carols and my roomate Laura noticing and calling me on it. It was then that I suddennly realised that I was truly feeling excited about the holidays. It was then that I also realised that I had not felt this way in a long, long time. After admitting that I was indeed feeling the return of my 'christmas spirit', I regaled Laura with the tale of the last time I remembered genuinely feeling this way...
It was about 11 years ago...
I was 16 and in grade 11. I had spent every evening during the last week of classes before the holidays mass-producing gingerbread men and homemade fudge. I did this at my grandmother's house, of course. And the whole ordeal was not without it's typical 'Meghan-melodramatic' staged photo shoot for my snap-happy grandma. (I wish I knew where those pictures are right now!) On the last day of school before the christmas break, I brought all my homemade holiday treats to school in giant christmas tins. Donning my red plaid holiday dress (the GAP's finest circa 1996), I pranced down the halls of my high school merrily distributing my yummy holiday goodies - to everyone! (At this point in the story Laura interrupts to ask "Wait a minute - are you actually the girl from that movie, 'Election'?!" Well, pretty much, yes.) Later that lovely day I skipped my afternoon classes to go to my friend Alison's house to watch 'It's a Wonderful Life' - my first time ever seeing that holiday classic!
Ah yes, 1997 was probably the last time that I genuinely felt the holiday spirit. Every year since then has brought many a reason to feel, uh, less than merry... From the sudden (though long overdue) split of my parents in the autumn of 1998, to the death of my grandparents in January 2000, to the death of my mother in December 2001. I maintain that it is thus perfectly acceptable for me to not feel enthusiastic about this time of year. And not simply because it is a time of year wrought with familial expectation which I always seem to fall short on, but also because it is a time of year full of many unpleasant 'anniversaries'. So of course there are things about this time of year that make me feel sad. They made me feel sad this year. They will undoubtedly always make me feel sad. But somehow, this year, they did not take over me...
I have a few different theories about why this is so, and I think that they are all true and accurate. For one thing, I feel as though I have paid my 'holiday misery dues' and put in enough years of feeling the pain that comes along with this season. Yes, some years more than others, but definitely every year for the last 10 or so, I have been clear about my lack of love for this 'holiday season.' So now I'm over it. For that matter, I kind of feel as though I am 'over' a lot of the sadness and depression that has, understandably, underscored the living of my life for the last decade. A decade - wow. yeah, that definitely sounds long enough to be less than happy. Especially when I feel that I truly am, deep down in my soul, a person meant for happiness and joy and love!
Oh, sorry - are you gagging now? Well, it's true. I am full of happiness, joy and love. But I also have a great capacity for sadness, and anger, and frustration, and loneliness... This is me. And right now, I am feeling so thankful to be reunited with my friend Robin, and her parents, who invited me in to their home and their family about 10 years ago now when I needed everything that they had to offer so badly. It is so nice to be all together for christmas, and for me to be able to feel that I am - FINALLY - in such a good place in life!
So, from my "family" to yours... From my heart to yours... I wish you all love, and joy, and merriment.
I also wish to borrow from an email newsletter that I recently received from my friend Grace Ross and conclude with this:
"Let us hold gently those for whom this time of year is more difficult: those grieving, or estranged or lonely. May their authentic voices ring clearly amidst the merriment and be received by the ears of our loving hearts, as we weave together the true spirit of of the Season."
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