As many of my very good friends already know, I suffer from what I have come to refer to as my severe "travel anxiety". I'm not afraid of flying, and I actually love to travel and have new and exciting adventures, but there is something about the thought of LEAVING that fills me to the brim with anxiety. I have come to attribute this partly to my own "control issues" (if I'm not around, I can't control what is happening... Which I realise is a joke in itself because AS IF I can actually control life as it unfolds around me when I am home! Ha!) and also I think it may have to do with the fact that early in my life, some terrible things have happened when I have been "away". In any case, I seem to forcing myself to confront these "travel demons" with vigor these days, as I have travelled both to Las Vegas and Vancouver within the last 3 months, I am about to leave again for New York City in 3 days, after which I will be home in Toronto for a month before I leave again to work in the south of France for 4 monhts this summer! Add to that a little road-trip to Vermont that I will be taking sometime between NYC and France, to visit my friend Robin with my friend Sarah, so that this Best Friend Trio can be reunited in the same place for the first time in about 5 years!
So yes. I am confronting the "travel demons". But that doesn't mean I'm not totally flipping out about it. My hands are shaking as I type these words right now. I've only been back home in Toronto since Monday afternoon, and I have to leave again for NYC on Saturday morning. While I am here I am desperately struggling to sort out all sorts of beurocratic details pertaining to French and British work visas (I will be working for a UK company while I am in France, you can check them out at: www.pgl.co.uk, I will be working at the centre called "Hameau les Ages" this summer - totally adorable looking!), school applications (even though I'm not even sure I want to go back to school in the fall, I am sick of wondering all the time about it, so I have just decided to go for it and apply to go back to theatre school and/or teachers college - you know, simple application processes, Ha!) and I'm also trying to make time to spend with the people here in Toronto that I love and miss when I am away... Did I mention that another one of my best friends is flying in from Halifax tomorrow and I also want to be sure to have some time with her before I leave on Saturday morning? Oh my.
Anyhow, it's so great to be home. I love my apartment. I love that Toronto is my home. I love my friends here, who really are essentially my family. I love this life that is MINE. My sweet friend Mandy just called me, and we haven't spoken for about 2 months now, and it was great to chat with her. I caught her up on all the crazy ups and downs that have been my life for the last few months and then admitted that I was feeling a little bit anxious at the moment. She wisely said to me "Meghan, it sounds like you are doing great. You're doing great things... just live your life. You will only ever have ONE February 28th, 2007, so just live it and make the best of it." I think that I was meant to get that particular advice at this particular moment.
It's great to be home. I am going to go now and try to enjoy it while it lasts. Next time I write will likely be sometime next week when I am in NEW YORK CITY - woo hoo!!!
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Saturday, February 24, 2007
More Rain Before I Leave
Oh yes, it's raining. Again. But you know, I've actually always liked the rain. (Oh my goodness, I just had a sudden flashback memory of saying that to my friend Kathy on Canada Day last year, as we walked down the street to the park, just hours before we got struck by lightning - yes, it actually happened! But anyhow, there's no thunder and lighting here right now. Yikes, famous last words!) But yes, I like the rain. I like getting wet too - I don't believe in umbrellas, never really have. I also like the fresh smell of rain. I like the medium-ness of the temperature that rain is typically a symptom of... I remarked to my friend Sarah today that Vancouver is the land of the perpetually "inadequately dressed" - niether of us were wearing coats this morning!
So it's raining again, and I'm starting to feel wistful because I have just one more day in this city, before I get on yet another plane at an ungodly hour of the morning, and return home to Toronto (for just 5 short days before I head to New York City!). I'm wistful because, of course, I feel slightly regretful that I didn't see more of certain people, that I didn't get in touch with some of my friends sooner, that I've been away for over 2 years and I'm slightly worried that I will let that much time pass again before I come back. But I won't. Or at least I'll sure try not to let that much time pass before I'm back here again. I have an almost 3 year-old ("step") nephew now, and it was such a pleasure to spend time with him. We got along swimmingly. And I think he needs a little bit more of my slightly stern, yet still fun(!) self around because it seems like practically everyone else spoils him rotten! But he's great. Hilarious. As I said goodbye to him this afternoon, I jokingly told him I would see him when he's six. But that's not really funny. These early years fly by, and I don't really want to just be an image in a photograph and a vague memory...
Hmmm, so I'm feeling thankful for lots of things that I did manage to do on this trip, things I set out to do... In addition to doing the job that brought me here (and doing it pretty well, I think - Tracey and I got a lovely email from the Artistic Director of the Chutzpah Festival telling us that we were a pleasure to work with and that we will always get rave reviews from them!)... I spent time with my family, I visited the gravesite of my grandparents and my mother, I did some personal research that I needed to do here, I saw some good old friends (Roselle, Sarah, Graham), I was able to attend the celebration of my friend Emily's life...
They say, or maybe it's just me that says this, but I do believe that the things you regret the most are the things you never do. So I guess I am most thankful that I am here, and I am alive, and I am doing the things that I want to do. I'm still feeling slightly wistful that I have just one more day here, but I'm also reeeeally looking forward to getting home to Toronto and having some time in the place where I feel most at home, the place where I have built my life...
See you soon T.O!
So it's raining again, and I'm starting to feel wistful because I have just one more day in this city, before I get on yet another plane at an ungodly hour of the morning, and return home to Toronto (for just 5 short days before I head to New York City!). I'm wistful because, of course, I feel slightly regretful that I didn't see more of certain people, that I didn't get in touch with some of my friends sooner, that I've been away for over 2 years and I'm slightly worried that I will let that much time pass again before I come back. But I won't. Or at least I'll sure try not to let that much time pass before I'm back here again. I have an almost 3 year-old ("step") nephew now, and it was such a pleasure to spend time with him. We got along swimmingly. And I think he needs a little bit more of my slightly stern, yet still fun(!) self around because it seems like practically everyone else spoils him rotten! But he's great. Hilarious. As I said goodbye to him this afternoon, I jokingly told him I would see him when he's six. But that's not really funny. These early years fly by, and I don't really want to just be an image in a photograph and a vague memory...
Hmmm, so I'm feeling thankful for lots of things that I did manage to do on this trip, things I set out to do... In addition to doing the job that brought me here (and doing it pretty well, I think - Tracey and I got a lovely email from the Artistic Director of the Chutzpah Festival telling us that we were a pleasure to work with and that we will always get rave reviews from them!)... I spent time with my family, I visited the gravesite of my grandparents and my mother, I did some personal research that I needed to do here, I saw some good old friends (Roselle, Sarah, Graham), I was able to attend the celebration of my friend Emily's life...
They say, or maybe it's just me that says this, but I do believe that the things you regret the most are the things you never do. So I guess I am most thankful that I am here, and I am alive, and I am doing the things that I want to do. I'm still feeling slightly wistful that I have just one more day here, but I'm also reeeeally looking forward to getting home to Toronto and having some time in the place where I feel most at home, the place where I have built my life...
See you soon T.O!
Friday, February 23, 2007
Food, Glorious Food
For all the griping I've been doing lately about Vancouver (and trust me, I've been doing a lot more than I've posted here for all to read!), I must say that tonight I was reminded of one very, very, very special thing about Vancouver that might just make all the rest of it worth it - the FOOD!
It wasn't that I hadn't had the pleasure so far on this trip of savouring some of the totally fresh, often quite healthy, and amazingly flavourful food that Vancouver has to offer... But tonight, after watching yet another Chutzpah Festival show (Betsey Salkind's "Anne Frank Superstar" - pretty funny, but not flawless), I went out for drink and a bite to eat with my dear, lovely and longtime friend Roselle, and had a "culinary experience" worth writing about! Now, we almost ended up at yet another typical Vancouver hippy-staffed vegetarian restaurant (and if those of you from Toronto are picturing anything at all like "FRESH", you're picturing something way too polished and sleek), though I'm sure it would have been quite tasty, however flaky. But as we waited forever to be seated by the slower than molasses servers, and compared our own tales of liking Toronto and Montreal way more than we like Vancouver, Roselle suddenly remembered a new place up the street that might be a little bit more "buzzing", as she put it. So we walked a block and a half to "HABIT".
Now, even though the place was pretty much empty by 11pm (hey, we are still in Vancouver, and it's a Thursday, not yet the weekend after all!) HABIT definitely had more of an awake, city vibe going on. And oh my lord, The Food. The glorious food was soooooo good! I had almost forgotten what it was like to eat fresher than fresh fish, when you're in a coastal city! Roselle and I split a crisp and fresh beet salad, as well as the freshest, most succulent sesame encrusted albacore tuna... ever! And to top it off, this place declares on their menu that they get their fish from sustainable fisheries and their meat from humane farms - something that really means a lot to me, as I am struggling to find ways to live more sustainably in these somewhat terrifying times.
So yes, the options for healthy, tasty food in Vancouver are quite abundant. As I drove home this evening I found myself reminiscing over my lunch of fresh salmon salad roll with lemon & spinach cous-cous that I had the other day at Granville Island (picture the St. Lawrence Market, only way bigger, fresher, juicier, healthier... better), and my late lunch/early dinner today with my brother at the Havana Cafe, where I had the freshest (ooh, there's that succulent word again!) portebello mushroom wrap - oh my. Mmmm, and tomorrow my parents are taking me out to one of our favorite Indian restaurants, the Samosa Garden... And now all I can think about is making sure I go for sushi sometime before I fly home on Monday morning...
Yes my dears, if you're ever looking for a vacation with moderate weather (the rain is sort of a perpetual threat) and fabulous food - come to Vancouver. The view of the mountains and the proximity of the ocean are an added bonus.
Mouth wateringly yours,
Triple M.
It wasn't that I hadn't had the pleasure so far on this trip of savouring some of the totally fresh, often quite healthy, and amazingly flavourful food that Vancouver has to offer... But tonight, after watching yet another Chutzpah Festival show (Betsey Salkind's "Anne Frank Superstar" - pretty funny, but not flawless), I went out for drink and a bite to eat with my dear, lovely and longtime friend Roselle, and had a "culinary experience" worth writing about! Now, we almost ended up at yet another typical Vancouver hippy-staffed vegetarian restaurant (and if those of you from Toronto are picturing anything at all like "FRESH", you're picturing something way too polished and sleek), though I'm sure it would have been quite tasty, however flaky. But as we waited forever to be seated by the slower than molasses servers, and compared our own tales of liking Toronto and Montreal way more than we like Vancouver, Roselle suddenly remembered a new place up the street that might be a little bit more "buzzing", as she put it. So we walked a block and a half to "HABIT".
Now, even though the place was pretty much empty by 11pm (hey, we are still in Vancouver, and it's a Thursday, not yet the weekend after all!) HABIT definitely had more of an awake, city vibe going on. And oh my lord, The Food. The glorious food was soooooo good! I had almost forgotten what it was like to eat fresher than fresh fish, when you're in a coastal city! Roselle and I split a crisp and fresh beet salad, as well as the freshest, most succulent sesame encrusted albacore tuna... ever! And to top it off, this place declares on their menu that they get their fish from sustainable fisheries and their meat from humane farms - something that really means a lot to me, as I am struggling to find ways to live more sustainably in these somewhat terrifying times.
So yes, the options for healthy, tasty food in Vancouver are quite abundant. As I drove home this evening I found myself reminiscing over my lunch of fresh salmon salad roll with lemon & spinach cous-cous that I had the other day at Granville Island (picture the St. Lawrence Market, only way bigger, fresher, juicier, healthier... better), and my late lunch/early dinner today with my brother at the Havana Cafe, where I had the freshest (ooh, there's that succulent word again!) portebello mushroom wrap - oh my. Mmmm, and tomorrow my parents are taking me out to one of our favorite Indian restaurants, the Samosa Garden... And now all I can think about is making sure I go for sushi sometime before I fly home on Monday morning...
Yes my dears, if you're ever looking for a vacation with moderate weather (the rain is sort of a perpetual threat) and fabulous food - come to Vancouver. The view of the mountains and the proximity of the ocean are an added bonus.
Mouth wateringly yours,
Triple M.
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Today's Plan of Attack
Well, since I last wrote on this here 'blog, things have continued to be busy, but not necessarily so gray... Some highlights include a FANTASTIC closing night show of The Burning Bush on Tuesday night - even I was laughing, and I've seen the show like, a million times! Followed by a really nice night out to a cozy, candlelit mediterranean-style bar, with the entire cast & crew of this interesting multi-media show from Israel called "Romeo's Seance". So, Tracey and I went to see "Romeo's Seance" last night, and it was indeed quite a spectacular presentation featuring one singer/dancer/actor, supported by a string quartet and about 3 video screens, not including the two that form the "cello-vision" (pretty much a play-able cello, with a body made of video screens, as opposed to wood!)... Oh my. It was beautiful, and moving, and funny, and bizarre, and dark, and bright, and lovely, and impressive!
But today's "plan of attack" - and I know, that term is so militaristic, but there is definitely something about today that feels as though it will be attacking something... if not myself, perhaps some difficult thoughts/feelings? Anyhow, I digress. So, today's plan is to go to the cemetary where my mother and grandparents are buried. I have not been there since my mother was buried 6 years ago. No one is making me do this, but it is something that I felt really strongly before I came here that I should do... I'm not sure what I'm hoping to get out of this experience, but maybe that's for the best. Have you ever noticed that when you have expectations, the experience is often disapointing in some way, but if you have no expectations, you're often pleasantly surprised? Yeah, well... So anyways, I guess this is what I am going to do with my day... Followed (hopefully) by dinner with my brother, then seeing another Chutzpah Festival show with Tracey and my friend Roselle, and then... my god, probably just collapsing into bed!
So, the theory that I am operating on these days is that eventually, you must face that which makes you want to turn and run in the opposite direction. Having recently realised that I have been, in a sense, "running in the opposite direction" of certain things for a number of years, I am attempting to face these things head-on. These "things" are namely, grief and anger. About some fairly specific events in my life, that pretty much anyone would agree I am justified in feeling angry and sad about. So, I guess those may be my expectations for today... Experiencing some sadness and anger? But then again, I may not feel those things at all today as I stand at the graves of my grandparents and my mother. In which case, maybe I will just hang out for a few moments and enjoy the opportunity to pretend as though they can hear me somewhere, wherever they are. And I will tell them about the play I wrote and performed this past summer, and how this summer I will be working in the south of France, and how I'm still very much single, but that's probably a good thing because I've got a lot of me to figure out before I am forced to negotiate my place as part of a pair, and how I live in a really great apartment, with a really great friend/neighbour/landlord, and a beautiful backyard and.... well, maybe I should save all this for later, and just see what comes up.
For now, I wait in a muted state of anticipation, for my dad's wife to return home from grocery shopping so that I can use the car to drive to the cemetary. No one (besides you, my savvy blog readers) knows of my plans for today. They are mine, just like the day.
But today's "plan of attack" - and I know, that term is so militaristic, but there is definitely something about today that feels as though it will be attacking something... if not myself, perhaps some difficult thoughts/feelings? Anyhow, I digress. So, today's plan is to go to the cemetary where my mother and grandparents are buried. I have not been there since my mother was buried 6 years ago. No one is making me do this, but it is something that I felt really strongly before I came here that I should do... I'm not sure what I'm hoping to get out of this experience, but maybe that's for the best. Have you ever noticed that when you have expectations, the experience is often disapointing in some way, but if you have no expectations, you're often pleasantly surprised? Yeah, well... So anyways, I guess this is what I am going to do with my day... Followed (hopefully) by dinner with my brother, then seeing another Chutzpah Festival show with Tracey and my friend Roselle, and then... my god, probably just collapsing into bed!
So, the theory that I am operating on these days is that eventually, you must face that which makes you want to turn and run in the opposite direction. Having recently realised that I have been, in a sense, "running in the opposite direction" of certain things for a number of years, I am attempting to face these things head-on. These "things" are namely, grief and anger. About some fairly specific events in my life, that pretty much anyone would agree I am justified in feeling angry and sad about. So, I guess those may be my expectations for today... Experiencing some sadness and anger? But then again, I may not feel those things at all today as I stand at the graves of my grandparents and my mother. In which case, maybe I will just hang out for a few moments and enjoy the opportunity to pretend as though they can hear me somewhere, wherever they are. And I will tell them about the play I wrote and performed this past summer, and how this summer I will be working in the south of France, and how I'm still very much single, but that's probably a good thing because I've got a lot of me to figure out before I am forced to negotiate my place as part of a pair, and how I live in a really great apartment, with a really great friend/neighbour/landlord, and a beautiful backyard and.... well, maybe I should save all this for later, and just see what comes up.
For now, I wait in a muted state of anticipation, for my dad's wife to return home from grocery shopping so that I can use the car to drive to the cemetary. No one (besides you, my savvy blog readers) knows of my plans for today. They are mine, just like the day.
Monday, February 19, 2007
Some days are longer than others...
It is about 4:30pm on a rainy Monday afternoon in Vancouver. I am feeling about as gray as the day is out there. I've been trying really hard over the last few days to manifest my own positive reality here, and focus on the things that are lovely about Vancouver, but I am getting frustrated with myself for not always being able to do that! Maybe I am being too hard on myself. The last few days have certainly been long and intense, and it's understandable that I might be feeling a little run down and weak, right? Alright, so in the spirit of letting go and moving forward, I shall proceed to purge myself here, of the thoughts and feelings that are keeping me exhausted...
First off, I think I may simply be suffering from a lack of personal space. I am here with my (new) friend Tracey, whom I am actually here working for as her production/stage manager. Now, as lovely as Tracey is, I have to admit that we have been spending a lot more time together than I initially imagined we would, and it often feels like work... Well, because it is work. And hey, that's why I'm here, right? So, of course I'm thankful! The thing is, is that when Tracey and I part ways after long, intense days, I end up at "home", at my dad's place. And again, I love my dad - I think he is one of the nicest, most laid-back and helpful people I know - and his wife too, but being so used to living by myself, I think I may simply just be craving some personal space, ya know? I also have a nephew now, my step-sister's almost three-year old son. Jacob, who is totally adorable, spends at least one night a week at "Grandma & Grandpa's" (aka Here) and three-year old energy is a lot to keep up with as well! Yesterday afternoon, before I went to meet Tracey at the theatre before our very first performance (sold out, btw - woo hoo!), I stole away for just an hour and sat by myself for the first time since I arrived here last wednesday, and savoured my own thoughts. As Tracey put it, it was as thoguh I needed to re-fill my own aura with ME again... I think my aura tank is still running low...
So my work here. It's great. Really and truly. Saturday was a tough day because we spent an intense 5 hour-long Tech Rehearsal with what I can only describe diplomatically as a stage manager who did not meet our hopes and expectations... You see, the Chutzpah Festival has their own stage manager. So although I know the show best, and will be the stage manager when Tracey and I go to New York next month, for the Vancouver shows, it is someone else calling the show, and thus, running the Tech Rehearsal. For those of you who don't know theatre that well, that pretty much means that the festival stage manager is the one who watches the show from the tech booth and calls the lighting and sound cues. She also has other responsibilities, but I have taken it upon myself to alleviate her of as many responsibilities as possible. So Saturday was a tough day, and though Tracey and I walked out of there trying to be really positive, it was difficult. And I had to try really hard in my head not to be super judgemental and think things like "Is the vibe here in Vancouver just too laid back? Is that why she seems so inefficient?" followed by self-chastising thoughts like "No judgements Meghan, c'mon now! Manifest your own positive reality here!". It gets exhausting to fight with yourself like that.
Saturday didn't get much easier because I had to run straight from our Tech Rehearsal to a "Celebration of Life" for my friend Emily, who died in a fire in Chile two weeks ago. I am thankful that fate had me here for work anyhow, and that I was even able to attend this lovely gathering in her memory, and I was able to bring with me a book full of photos and messages compiled by some of our other friends in Toronto. Yes, for that opportunity I am indeed very thankful.
Yesterday, Sunday, was a bright and lovely sunny day that Tracey and I took advantage of by having a morning meeting/rehearsal, followed by brunch at Vancouver's oldest health food restaurant, The Naam, and a drive along the water. I am thankful also, soooo thankful really, to be in such close proximity to the ocean these days. Last night was also our opening night show, which was sold out and thankfully, nearly flawless. Though Ms. Vancouver Stage Manager hasn't exactly won me over with her sparkling personality just yet, she at least managed to call almost all of the technical cues perfectly last night. And Tracey shone onstage, of course. She is really quite a talented performer (and writer!). I am privileged to be spending so much time with her, and to have this exceptional learning opportunity!
Naturally we had to go out for at least one drink last night to celebrate opening night, and a few of Tracey's friends were around so we all agreed to meet at a bar downtown called Subeez. Unfortunately, Tracey was travelling in another friend's car, which left me on my own in my dad's Izuzu Trooper that I've been driving while I'm here (incidentally, the car I learned to drive on!), and I was given slightly poor directions. But that's okay, I made it to the bar, finally and had a really great time. I was home and in bed by midnite, which was good because I was up this morning at 5am!
Tracey and I had to be back at the theatre this morning at 7am (and I had to pick Tracey up at her hotel beforehand) because she had appearances on two of the local morning television shows! It was very fun and interesting, followed by yet another lunch out (I feel like I am eating constantly here!) and finally, I was able to return "home" for a much needed, mid-day nap. Followed by a chat with my dad's wife Ann, who is certainly sweet and friendly, but sure does love to chat! Now, I am hiding out upstairs in the gray-walled office, looking out the window at a the gray, rainy sky. Still feeling a little worse for the wear, but determined to move on...
So there you have it! My main gripes are:
Long, busy and intense days that have so far not left me with much time for my own mental/emotional space, let alone time to attend to some of the tasks that I want/need to do - like following up on my applications for school next year (I'm thinking about going back to theatre school and/or getting my teaching degree, FYI), or looking into work visas and travel plans for my upcoming summer job in France!
But my gratitude exceeds my gripes by far, I swear! I am thankful:
- that I got to fly home to Vancouver for free as a result of this job with Tracey
- that I am getting to spend so much time with, and learn from, someone as talented and lovely as Tracey Erin Smith
- that I happened to be here for, and was able to attend the celebration of my friend Emily's life
- that I am alive and healthy, and as of Wednesday, will have a lot more free time
- that I have been reminded, since being here, that I have some really wonderful friends, and a really wonderful life, back home in Toronto, that I am looking forward to returning to
Alright, I'm being called for dinner... gotta run now.
NAMASTE
First off, I think I may simply be suffering from a lack of personal space. I am here with my (new) friend Tracey, whom I am actually here working for as her production/stage manager. Now, as lovely as Tracey is, I have to admit that we have been spending a lot more time together than I initially imagined we would, and it often feels like work... Well, because it is work. And hey, that's why I'm here, right? So, of course I'm thankful! The thing is, is that when Tracey and I part ways after long, intense days, I end up at "home", at my dad's place. And again, I love my dad - I think he is one of the nicest, most laid-back and helpful people I know - and his wife too, but being so used to living by myself, I think I may simply just be craving some personal space, ya know? I also have a nephew now, my step-sister's almost three-year old son. Jacob, who is totally adorable, spends at least one night a week at "Grandma & Grandpa's" (aka Here) and three-year old energy is a lot to keep up with as well! Yesterday afternoon, before I went to meet Tracey at the theatre before our very first performance (sold out, btw - woo hoo!), I stole away for just an hour and sat by myself for the first time since I arrived here last wednesday, and savoured my own thoughts. As Tracey put it, it was as thoguh I needed to re-fill my own aura with ME again... I think my aura tank is still running low...
So my work here. It's great. Really and truly. Saturday was a tough day because we spent an intense 5 hour-long Tech Rehearsal with what I can only describe diplomatically as a stage manager who did not meet our hopes and expectations... You see, the Chutzpah Festival has their own stage manager. So although I know the show best, and will be the stage manager when Tracey and I go to New York next month, for the Vancouver shows, it is someone else calling the show, and thus, running the Tech Rehearsal. For those of you who don't know theatre that well, that pretty much means that the festival stage manager is the one who watches the show from the tech booth and calls the lighting and sound cues. She also has other responsibilities, but I have taken it upon myself to alleviate her of as many responsibilities as possible. So Saturday was a tough day, and though Tracey and I walked out of there trying to be really positive, it was difficult. And I had to try really hard in my head not to be super judgemental and think things like "Is the vibe here in Vancouver just too laid back? Is that why she seems so inefficient?" followed by self-chastising thoughts like "No judgements Meghan, c'mon now! Manifest your own positive reality here!". It gets exhausting to fight with yourself like that.
Saturday didn't get much easier because I had to run straight from our Tech Rehearsal to a "Celebration of Life" for my friend Emily, who died in a fire in Chile two weeks ago. I am thankful that fate had me here for work anyhow, and that I was even able to attend this lovely gathering in her memory, and I was able to bring with me a book full of photos and messages compiled by some of our other friends in Toronto. Yes, for that opportunity I am indeed very thankful.
Yesterday, Sunday, was a bright and lovely sunny day that Tracey and I took advantage of by having a morning meeting/rehearsal, followed by brunch at Vancouver's oldest health food restaurant, The Naam, and a drive along the water. I am thankful also, soooo thankful really, to be in such close proximity to the ocean these days. Last night was also our opening night show, which was sold out and thankfully, nearly flawless. Though Ms. Vancouver Stage Manager hasn't exactly won me over with her sparkling personality just yet, she at least managed to call almost all of the technical cues perfectly last night. And Tracey shone onstage, of course. She is really quite a talented performer (and writer!). I am privileged to be spending so much time with her, and to have this exceptional learning opportunity!
Naturally we had to go out for at least one drink last night to celebrate opening night, and a few of Tracey's friends were around so we all agreed to meet at a bar downtown called Subeez. Unfortunately, Tracey was travelling in another friend's car, which left me on my own in my dad's Izuzu Trooper that I've been driving while I'm here (incidentally, the car I learned to drive on!), and I was given slightly poor directions. But that's okay, I made it to the bar, finally and had a really great time. I was home and in bed by midnite, which was good because I was up this morning at 5am!
Tracey and I had to be back at the theatre this morning at 7am (and I had to pick Tracey up at her hotel beforehand) because she had appearances on two of the local morning television shows! It was very fun and interesting, followed by yet another lunch out (I feel like I am eating constantly here!) and finally, I was able to return "home" for a much needed, mid-day nap. Followed by a chat with my dad's wife Ann, who is certainly sweet and friendly, but sure does love to chat! Now, I am hiding out upstairs in the gray-walled office, looking out the window at a the gray, rainy sky. Still feeling a little worse for the wear, but determined to move on...
So there you have it! My main gripes are:
Long, busy and intense days that have so far not left me with much time for my own mental/emotional space, let alone time to attend to some of the tasks that I want/need to do - like following up on my applications for school next year (I'm thinking about going back to theatre school and/or getting my teaching degree, FYI), or looking into work visas and travel plans for my upcoming summer job in France!
But my gratitude exceeds my gripes by far, I swear! I am thankful:
- that I got to fly home to Vancouver for free as a result of this job with Tracey
- that I am getting to spend so much time with, and learn from, someone as talented and lovely as Tracey Erin Smith
- that I happened to be here for, and was able to attend the celebration of my friend Emily's life
- that I am alive and healthy, and as of Wednesday, will have a lot more free time
- that I have been reminded, since being here, that I have some really wonderful friends, and a really wonderful life, back home in Toronto, that I am looking forward to returning to
Alright, I'm being called for dinner... gotta run now.
NAMASTE
Saturday, February 17, 2007
(Not so) Fucked Up
So, my First Love was/is a straight-edge hardcore punk rocker. For years a good friend of mine found it really funny to say things like "Meghan works for the Children's Peace Theatre and her ex-boyfriend is in a band called Fucked Up." Admittedly, the polarity is somewhat amusing, but he's really just kind of a loud-mouthed teddy bear. Incidentally, our break-up (which began about 6 years ago now) was an incredibly long and painfully drawn-out ordeal which resulted in us finally not really speaking to one another for a number of years. However, just recently we reconnected and have found that we can be friends! He's happily married now too. Which is not at all surprising to me, and also makes me very happy for him, truly.
So anyhow, right now I am in Vancouver, the city I grew up in but visit somewhat rarely. I actually happen to be here production managing a really great play ("The Burning Bush" written & performed by Tracey Erin Smith, Soul-O Theatre) which will be performed at the Chutzpah Festival here this week (www.chutzpahfestival.com). Strangely enough, Damian, my Ex, is here this weekend as well, on tour with his band 'Fucked Up'. So of course, I had to go to check out his show last night.
After the first few terrifyingly "high energy" songs, both the crowd in the mosh pit, and the tensed muscles in my body, relaxed slightly. And though I remained firmly pressed up against a pillar that allowed me to "safely" watch the show from the centre of the pub, and from just behind the mosh pit, I was able to somewhat enjoy simply watching the craziness that is a hardcore show. Clearly, this is not my bag. But I have to say, it's not like I find it impossible to understand. Sure, it seems a little scary and un-safe to push and thrash and jump around like they do at these shows (or at the good ones atleast), but I must admit that it does not appear necessarily violent or vindictive. In fact, I noticed that everytime someone actually fell to the floor, at least two or three hands were immediately stretched down by the nearest "moshers", to pull this person back to their feet. Now that's community working for ya! And I've enjoyed enough nights out dancing to appreciate the pent up physical energy that gets released by such activity, and as long as I remained firmly pressed up against my pillar, I could enjoy and appreciate the release of energy as it exploded all around me.
Still, I feel that I must have stuck out like a sore thumb, or atleast a slightly sprained pinky finger. As I looked around I felt like I was the only one who wasn't nodding my head rythmically or shouting along with the lyrics. But in reality, I don't really think anyone noticed me at all. It was during the second to last song that a friendly faced, totally sweaty and tatooed dude came up to me and asked if I would hold his beer for a moment. "Sure" I said with an amused smile, and as he handed me his beer to babysit he also handed me his baseball hat. He went and jumped and thrashed around for a bit and then returned to my side. He looked at me (and probably noticed the somewhat strained expression on my face - hey, the last two songs really had the crowd going wild, I was a little scared again) and asked me, "So, what are you doing here?" Finally, the question I had imagined everyone around me to be thinking.
"That's my ex-boyfriend" I replied and pointed to Damian, the, uh, "Lead Vocalist" for the band. After asking me a few more key questions along the lines of "So you're from Toronto?" "Well, originally I'm from here, but yes I do live in Toronto now", "Does he know you're here?" "Yes", "So you're friends?" "Yes", and then some question about another Toronto hardcore band that revealed that I had absolutely no knowledge or interest in this scene, that made him reflect "So you went out with him (pointing onstage to Damian) but you aren't into hardcore at all? Hmm... Well, he actually seems like he's really just a big crazy teddy bear." I smiled, "Something like that." And then Scott, as he introduced himselt to me as, went on to tell me about his hippy girlfriend who rides a ten-speed and isn't really into hardcore either, but that's okay, because sometimes opposites attract, right? And it was an oddly sweet experience to chat with this random punk-rocker who wasn't at all hitting on me, at my ex-love's show, in Vancouver, in February 2007.
After the show I needed to get going pretty quick - I have to work today! - but as Damian walked with me through the bar, to escort me to hail a cab outside, my spirit was warmed by the friendly and generous attitude of absolutely everyone we passed. Several people, whom I learned were complete strangers to Damian, would come up and give him a hug or a high five as though they were old friends and say genuinely gracious, yet casual, things like "Thanks so much for coming out here man." How lovely. I mean, I've been to enough indie-rock shows in Toronto to make note here that I never really saw such a casual warmth like that when I frequented that scene. Whether that says more about Toronto and Vancouver, or the hipster indie-rock scene versus the hardcore punk rock scene, I don't know (though I have a pretty strong feeling it's reflective of the latter). I just know that although I don't plan on attending another punk rock show anytime soon, it's not at all because I think there is something wrong with it. In fact, my 'Fucked Up' night just might go down as one of the least fucked up nights I've ever spent in Vancouver. So, thanks Damian. XXX OOO
So anyhow, right now I am in Vancouver, the city I grew up in but visit somewhat rarely. I actually happen to be here production managing a really great play ("The Burning Bush" written & performed by Tracey Erin Smith, Soul-O Theatre) which will be performed at the Chutzpah Festival here this week (www.chutzpahfestival.com). Strangely enough, Damian, my Ex, is here this weekend as well, on tour with his band 'Fucked Up'. So of course, I had to go to check out his show last night.
After the first few terrifyingly "high energy" songs, both the crowd in the mosh pit, and the tensed muscles in my body, relaxed slightly. And though I remained firmly pressed up against a pillar that allowed me to "safely" watch the show from the centre of the pub, and from just behind the mosh pit, I was able to somewhat enjoy simply watching the craziness that is a hardcore show. Clearly, this is not my bag. But I have to say, it's not like I find it impossible to understand. Sure, it seems a little scary and un-safe to push and thrash and jump around like they do at these shows (or at the good ones atleast), but I must admit that it does not appear necessarily violent or vindictive. In fact, I noticed that everytime someone actually fell to the floor, at least two or three hands were immediately stretched down by the nearest "moshers", to pull this person back to their feet. Now that's community working for ya! And I've enjoyed enough nights out dancing to appreciate the pent up physical energy that gets released by such activity, and as long as I remained firmly pressed up against my pillar, I could enjoy and appreciate the release of energy as it exploded all around me.
Still, I feel that I must have stuck out like a sore thumb, or atleast a slightly sprained pinky finger. As I looked around I felt like I was the only one who wasn't nodding my head rythmically or shouting along with the lyrics. But in reality, I don't really think anyone noticed me at all. It was during the second to last song that a friendly faced, totally sweaty and tatooed dude came up to me and asked if I would hold his beer for a moment. "Sure" I said with an amused smile, and as he handed me his beer to babysit he also handed me his baseball hat. He went and jumped and thrashed around for a bit and then returned to my side. He looked at me (and probably noticed the somewhat strained expression on my face - hey, the last two songs really had the crowd going wild, I was a little scared again) and asked me, "So, what are you doing here?" Finally, the question I had imagined everyone around me to be thinking.
"That's my ex-boyfriend" I replied and pointed to Damian, the, uh, "Lead Vocalist" for the band. After asking me a few more key questions along the lines of "So you're from Toronto?" "Well, originally I'm from here, but yes I do live in Toronto now", "Does he know you're here?" "Yes", "So you're friends?" "Yes", and then some question about another Toronto hardcore band that revealed that I had absolutely no knowledge or interest in this scene, that made him reflect "So you went out with him (pointing onstage to Damian) but you aren't into hardcore at all? Hmm... Well, he actually seems like he's really just a big crazy teddy bear." I smiled, "Something like that." And then Scott, as he introduced himselt to me as, went on to tell me about his hippy girlfriend who rides a ten-speed and isn't really into hardcore either, but that's okay, because sometimes opposites attract, right? And it was an oddly sweet experience to chat with this random punk-rocker who wasn't at all hitting on me, at my ex-love's show, in Vancouver, in February 2007.
After the show I needed to get going pretty quick - I have to work today! - but as Damian walked with me through the bar, to escort me to hail a cab outside, my spirit was warmed by the friendly and generous attitude of absolutely everyone we passed. Several people, whom I learned were complete strangers to Damian, would come up and give him a hug or a high five as though they were old friends and say genuinely gracious, yet casual, things like "Thanks so much for coming out here man." How lovely. I mean, I've been to enough indie-rock shows in Toronto to make note here that I never really saw such a casual warmth like that when I frequented that scene. Whether that says more about Toronto and Vancouver, or the hipster indie-rock scene versus the hardcore punk rock scene, I don't know (though I have a pretty strong feeling it's reflective of the latter). I just know that although I don't plan on attending another punk rock show anytime soon, it's not at all because I think there is something wrong with it. In fact, my 'Fucked Up' night just might go down as one of the least fucked up nights I've ever spent in Vancouver. So, thanks Damian. XXX OOO
Friday, February 16, 2007
Why This? Why Now?
Because reading the travel blog of a friend who died recently has been a blessing in many ways: Not only has it served as a beautifully accessible forum for her international array of friends and family to post their messages of rememberance and grieving, but it was also a practical way for this adventurous soul to keep her loved ones up-to-date on her whereabouts and travels.
Because lately it feels as though my own life is moving at a pace quicker than I can keep my dearest ones updated.
Because I have recently become afflicted with a compulsion to write everything down (not kidding here; in addition to my journal/creative writing notebook, and my to-do list/work notebook, and my agenda planner, I carry three small notebooks everywhere with me now: one is my food and exercise record, another is a record of the money I spend and the third is my "small victories and graditude" record. Oh my.)
Because I truly believe that life is beautiful - in all of its tragedy, joy, confusion and adventure - and I would like to share more of my beliefs like this with... whomever would like to read them.
Because I am presently out of town, and it looks like I will travelling quite a bit in the coming months and years. And again, this is kind of a great and convenient way to keep everyone "updated".
Because I enjoyed writing my last blog - "Sex and the Annex" - and others seemed to enjoy reading it. (And becauase a few years have passed, and I like to think that I am ever so slightly wiser and more mature now, and hope that "Brave New Girl" can capture a similarly entertaining and inspiring 'joie de vivre' that "Sex and the Annex" had, minus some of the immature local celebrity obsession and promiscuity... Shit, does that mean you're not interested in reading anymore?!?)
Because I recently made a new friend from Germany who wrote in his blog rather obsessively, and reminded me that it is a nice way to keep a record of your thoughts, feelings and experiences.
For all of these reasons, and probably more, I have decided to start a new blog - for my friends and family to read, and stay updated on my plans and experiences, for people that I don't know to read and learn about me and my projects, and perhaps even be inspired by some of my ideas or reflections, but most of all for me, to be motivated and inspired by my own reflections, experiences, plans, hopes and dreams. I truly believe that life is what we make it, and thus, with this online journal, I aspire to make more of my life what I want it to be, in the sharing of it.
PS - The title of this blog "Brave New Girl", though unfortunately also the title of a lesser known Britney Spears song (I swear I had the idea first!), is the (so far unregistered) name of my production company: Brave New Girl Productions. The first project of Brave New Girl Productions was my play, "The Light Between" which was performed at the Fringe of Toronto Theatre Festival this past summer (July 2006). Absolutely one of the most pivotal experiences of my life. For more info about Brave New Girl projects, feel free to email me at: bravenewgirlproductions@gmail.com
NAMASTE
Because lately it feels as though my own life is moving at a pace quicker than I can keep my dearest ones updated.
Because I have recently become afflicted with a compulsion to write everything down (not kidding here; in addition to my journal/creative writing notebook, and my to-do list/work notebook, and my agenda planner, I carry three small notebooks everywhere with me now: one is my food and exercise record, another is a record of the money I spend and the third is my "small victories and graditude" record. Oh my.)
Because I truly believe that life is beautiful - in all of its tragedy, joy, confusion and adventure - and I would like to share more of my beliefs like this with... whomever would like to read them.
Because I am presently out of town, and it looks like I will travelling quite a bit in the coming months and years. And again, this is kind of a great and convenient way to keep everyone "updated".
Because I enjoyed writing my last blog - "Sex and the Annex" - and others seemed to enjoy reading it. (And becauase a few years have passed, and I like to think that I am ever so slightly wiser and more mature now, and hope that "Brave New Girl" can capture a similarly entertaining and inspiring 'joie de vivre' that "Sex and the Annex" had, minus some of the immature local celebrity obsession and promiscuity... Shit, does that mean you're not interested in reading anymore?!?)
Because I recently made a new friend from Germany who wrote in his blog rather obsessively, and reminded me that it is a nice way to keep a record of your thoughts, feelings and experiences.
For all of these reasons, and probably more, I have decided to start a new blog - for my friends and family to read, and stay updated on my plans and experiences, for people that I don't know to read and learn about me and my projects, and perhaps even be inspired by some of my ideas or reflections, but most of all for me, to be motivated and inspired by my own reflections, experiences, plans, hopes and dreams. I truly believe that life is what we make it, and thus, with this online journal, I aspire to make more of my life what I want it to be, in the sharing of it.
PS - The title of this blog "Brave New Girl", though unfortunately also the title of a lesser known Britney Spears song (I swear I had the idea first!), is the (so far unregistered) name of my production company: Brave New Girl Productions. The first project of Brave New Girl Productions was my play, "The Light Between" which was performed at the Fringe of Toronto Theatre Festival this past summer (July 2006). Absolutely one of the most pivotal experiences of my life. For more info about Brave New Girl projects, feel free to email me at: bravenewgirlproductions@gmail.com
NAMASTE
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