New Friends, New Home, New Adventures Ahead...

Well, after a day of unpacking, re-arranging, re-evaluating and re-packing on Monday...

(I really don't think it seems like much... considering I'll be away for THREE MONTHS!)

Finally, my bags were packed and I was ready to go... leave on a jet plane to begin my St Louis adventure! Thankfully, I have two very great people to share this journey with:

ABOVE: Two thirds of 'Team Saint L': Special Agent MD and Agent Special K, on board plane # 1 from Toronto to Chicago, aproximately 600hrs in the am!

And BELOW:, Agents Triple M and Special K after being assisted by Mr. Love (for real, his last name was Love!) at Avis Car Rentals, on their way to pick up their vehicle for this summer's assignment. Clearly, they are in good spirits.

When we finally got "home" to our condo after a long day at the park (the amusement kind, where we will be performing this summer, not the lovely green and relaxing kind) followed by an evening grocery shop we wisely ordered pizza and updated our facebook statuses:

Thank goodness Special Agent MD brought along this handy mouse and persian rug mouse-mad, or else I'm not sure the evening would have been truly complete!

But in all seriousness, it's been a lovely and sometimes strange adventure over the last 48 hours for me; On Monday night (the night before I left - at 4am on Tuesday!) I got a call from my brother in BC with some unexpected and not-so-pleasant news. I can't help but find myself pondering (yet again) Why This? Why Now?

And so, that's what I am trying to do: Live every moment here to its fullest, take in every breath, sight, sound & feeling as it arrives, and remain oh-so-present to the events of my life as they swirl around me...

I am suddenly reminded of my 'free will astrology' horoscope (by Rob Brezny) from last week:

Your life in the coming weeks Scorpio, may resemble a dream of sailing deep beneath the waves in a yellow submarine where a nonstop party is going on. It'll be as if you're plowing through deep, heavy, murky waters inside a brightly-lit-high-tech vessel that is controlled by slightly chaotic connoisseurs of fun. (NOTE: See the picture at the end of this blog post of our set, taken during rehearsals in Montreal last week!) You may feel a bit claustrophobic , but that could encourage your imagination to run wild, which will be a good thing as long as you don't believe every thing it tells you. In conclusion, get ready for entertaining adventures that will range from being a bit creepy to totally delicious.

Hmm, will do...!

End Note: This is three quarters of the lovely and fantastic 'Team America' (now stationed at Six Flags America in Maryland), on our set in Montreal last week.

Best Memories EVER

So, exhausted from an intense 6 days of rehearsals in Montreal, I barely managed to arrive in one piece to my usual Tuesday night meeting with my teen group, Team 'Keeps It Real,' the other night. But I made it. And not that I would ever dream of not making it to my last Tuesday night with "the teens" before I leave for the summer, but boy oh boy, it was definitely worth it this week!

They had planned a "We're Going to Miss You Meghan" party for me. It was a TOTAL surprise. And I loved it. I loved EVERY. SINGLE. MINUTE...

Check it out: They brought a cake for me that said "We'll Miss You - Keep it Real!", and there was a colorful banner that said "We'll Miss You Meghan", AND there was a poster-sized card that they all signed for me!!!

I Heart Team Keeps It Real:

*LOVE*

Being ever so thankful, and loving this surprise party with all my heart, I glowingly told Mark that this night would now go down in my own personal history as one of THE Top Memories of My Life - for reals!

The other two Best Moments of My Life are about as equally self-centered, but at least I can admit that. The first 'Best Memory EVER' is the surprise party that my friends managed to throw for me (and again, actually surprise me with!) the summer before I left Vancouver to move to England for my first year of university. It was spectacular. I will never forget that glowing, bursting with love and joy and happiness feeling that I experienced when I walked in to my friend Brian's kitchen only to find almost all of my friends standing there yelling "SURPRISE!"

Spectacular. Truly.

And the other moment that ranks among my top three 'Best Memories EVER' would be the moment I took my bow after a Monday night show of my solo play at the 2006 Fringe Festival. You see, much to my surprise the house was PACKED that night, but I didn't realise until the curtain call who exactly was there. As I stood basking in the applause that night, looking out into the audience, I realised that there were groups of people dear to me from SO MANY different parts of my life. It was kind of like another party... Hmmm, is anyone else noticing a trend in my favorite memories here?

Well, among some of my other favorite memories are:

• The 'Fly by the Seat of Your Heart' (Thanksgiving 2004, I think)weekend of spontaneous and simple fun-having with my dear friends Alison and Gabe that inspired the matching tattoos that Ali and I got in 2005:
  

• That series of Saturdays in the Spring of 2006 when my friend Annie and I used to get up early to attend modern dance class only to then veg out on her couch and drink and smoke and watch season 1 of 'Project Runway' on DVD - those were good, good times!

• Winter Nights 2005, when Ali and I lived together and our friends John and Gabe made a habit of coming over on weeknights to eat take-out Thai food and drink red wine through red licorice straws while sitting by the fire and playing scrabble... And generally, just being silly.
  

• Searching for the elusive "cool area" in Paris, Winter 2000, with Damian, Tiina, Thea & Aaron. So long ago. Still one of the best days of my life.

• Being the only ones on the dance floor at the St Supice Pub in Montreal last week with my fellow cast & crew members. Ridiculous goodness.

• And most recently, playing with Henry and having good chats with my roomate Laura. In fact, just now I got drawn away from the computer to go outside and do some chalk drawing on the front path with H & L:
  

So yeah, I guess it's pretty clear that enjoying life with people I care about pretty much defines a great moment for me... And I'm oh-so-lucky to have so many of them!

Here's to many more to come!

(How Do I know?) Who I Am

[Day Five of Rehearsals in Montreal]

As I sit here typing in the cool dim glow of my laptop and the morning light, while my roomate Katherine sleeps soundly (it is only 6:09am), I am consumed with warm thoughts of the beautiful people in my life who help me to know who I am... And I find myself flipping this question around in my brain like a coin: How do we (can we?) know who we are?

I guess I'm pondering this question right now because I feel like lately I've been learning a lot about myself, and furthermore, that this summer will provide me with even more self-learning ops! But how do we know when we really "know" ourselves? (Uh-oh, I think I just heard Carrie Bradshaw's voice-over speaking that sentence in my head!)

Well, maybe I should examine my experiences as of late that I feel have provided me with some knowledge about myself?

The first thing that comes to mind is the nice long phone conversation that I had with my friend Devon last night. As I relayed to her the (potentially mundane) details of the events of my life over the past few days here in Montreal, and expounded on my feelings about almost every last little thing, I felt myself easing into a better understanding of myself simply hearing my own stories told aloud in my own voice! I also felt reassured by all of the feedback and insights that Devon had for me about my experiences and feelings; I felt reassured because she is technically "an outside eye" (she doesn't live in my brain after all) but she knows me, and my history, and the way I think and typically react to things, so well that I trust her reassurances and advice. Sometimes when we talk, and I feel like I am learning something about myself, I wonder if I'm actually learning something new or if I've just found the perfect person to help me remember every important thing that I already know about myself...

And that's a beautiful thought, that I am very attracted to: the notion that we already possess all the knowledge, wisdom and skills that we need for this lifetime, and we are simply here to tap into that well deep inside of ourselves and recall as much of it as possible while we're here...

Or are we here to meet the people that are meant to teach us something? Or are we drawn to the experiences that will teach us something?

I think I'm leaning towards the "all of the above" answer to this question, and more importantly, am enjoying this questioning (learning!) process...

So here I go, off into another day...
and more learning...

Comme Ci, Comme Ca

Okay, so it's Day Two in Montreal (well, actually it's Day Three, but only the second day that I woke up here - Tuesday I woke up in Toronto, drove with my fellow actors to Montreal and started rehearsals that afternoon!)

It's 7:42am and, like yesterday, I've been up for nearly three hours now. By choice, don't worry. I just like getting up early, doing my morning yoga, and having time to myself to eat my breakfast drink my tea and of course, hang out a little on the 'book.

So, it's the beginning of Day Three and I gotta say, I'm feeling really good. Not so good that I feel like I have no work to do, but rather good because there is a lot of work ahead of us! And we've done a lot of great work already, and it's all just feeling really... good!

It helps that I love this city as well. Though, I realised something important on Tuesday night (my first night here this week); I realised that although (or perhaps because) I have had such a long-standing love of Montreal, it's not really the kind of love that makes me feel good about myself...

Granted, there were probably a lot of factors that were contributing to my general sense of insecurity the other night as I sat sipping my Pinot Noir and eating alone on a lovely "terrace" (read: patio) on Rue St-Denis. It was the end of our first (LONG) day which consisted of meeting eaching other for the first time, spending 5 hours in a car together, followed by our first rehearsal, and there were still a lot of "x-factors" left for us to deal with; For example, the other two members of my cast (we have two casts rehearsing the same show for different locations this week) will not be joining us until today, I have yet to be briefed on my additional duties as "show manager" and we hadn't even finished blocking yet - these were among some of the "unknowns" that dangled above my head that first night as I sat alone on that patio.

But try as I might to find comfort in this city that I claim to love so, it really only succeeded in increasing my self-consciousness and insecurity... As I gazed at the seemingly effortlessly attractive people at the tables around me and along the street, I couldn't help but worry that somehow I stood out as clearly from somewhere else - because I wasn't as effortlessly attractive? I don't know what it is exactly about this city that makes me feel this way, but I came to the conclusion that I like Montreal so much, and have liked it for so long, that it kind of intimidates me with it's coolness - kinda like that friend that you have that you really kind of just admire and want to be a little?

And then I got to thinking about my other urban love: New York City. And I realised that NYC does not instill any insecurity me. I feel the same love for her, but kind of like your best friend whom you love so much and feel so comfortable around that she actually kind of makes you feel better than you are, NYC brings out my Best Self!

Anyhow, I've gotta run out the door to rehearsals now... more later!
XOX

But What If I Have Bad Dreams?

Okay, so first of all, I'm much better now. ThankyouAntibiotics. I'm not 100% mind you, which is what made last night (as I type this it is 4:30 in the morning, and I have woken and cannot seem to find my way back to sleep...) so interesting. Although I had plans to hang out with a friend last night, I made a last minute arrangement to help another friend out and babysit her kids. This may seem really generous, but she coerced me with a bottle of wine and even ended up paying me (and my friend and I still got to hang out because he came over for dinner after les enfants went to bed), so hold off on congratulating me too hard now. In any case, I sure did give my lungs a workout in the early part of the evening when I found myself chasing her three year old and her one and a half year old around the playground at the local park!

But that's really neither here nor there at this point. It's 4:35am and I am wide awake, and for the first time in over a week, it's not because I'm coughing.

Maybe it's my good ol' travel anxiety rearing it's annoying head again? I do leave to go rehearse in Montreal for a week on Tuesday, after which I will be back in Toronto for a mere six days and then off again to St Louis. FOR THE ENTIRE SUMMMER. Yep, it's the longest I will be away from anywhere I've called home since I left Vancouver to move to England/Toronto almost ten years ago now. And it's not like all those mini (as in, a few days to a few weeks-long) absences have been easy to do...

Oh, what is it that makes it so hard for me to leave?!?!

(Oh fine, fine, I admit that that's a dumb rhetorical question, probably only there for dramatic effect. I know exactly what it is that makes leaving so hard for me, and there's just not really a need for me to explore that here and now.)

So, before my friend left me with her kids this evening she told me quickly and quietly that typically before her three year old son goes to sleep at night he asks "What if I have bad dreams?" Thank goodness she told me what the correct answer is to that question, because quite frankly, after about 25 years worth of bad dreams and sleeplessness, I certainly still haven't figured out how to deal! Apparently the answer is: "you just roll over and think about all the people that love you." Unfortunately, I think that's precisely what's keeping me awake right now.

"All the people that love me?" Well, there's my super-close, joined-at-the-brain sort of best friend, Devon, who moved back here to Toronto (after a very long absence) so recently that we will be missing our first summer together in years, because this time I will be away. Um, and isn't the summer what we Torontonians put up with this city for the other 9 months of the year for? Uh-huh, sure is. And then there's Thea, whom I would probably count among the reasons that I moved to this city in the first place (post-England.) When I say goodbye to Thea in a few weeks, it will be for much more than just three months; because before I return to Toronto from St Louis in September, Thea will have left for grad school in Texas. And she's not my only best friend who won't be here when I get back in the fall. It's looking like my dear, lovely and talented friend Anthony will have his american work visa sorted out by this summer and will be moving to New York City, liklely in July. Mark's girlfriend Christie meanwhile is leaving in a mere few weeks to move permanently to Peterborough, which means that if she makes it through her three month "probationary phase" and doesn't hate it, she will be staying, and Mark will be joining her. I'm not even sure how to count that loss - it's like an extremely painful two-for-one deal. Nevermind the fact that Alison has already left, to be a CBC reporter in New Brunswick for the year, but I'm not going to fool myself into believing that her work will take her back to Toronto anytime soon after this first contract is up.

No, I must accept that the landscape of my life here in the T-dot is changing drastically, whether I like it or not. So, maybe it's a good thing then for me to be going away myself for a few months...? To begin to explore the definition of my own life independent of the community I've worked so hard to create for myself over the last ten years?

Well, if I have to.

And I do have to. And I can. And I will. And I will survive - most likely I will thrive even. And I will count among my lucky stars the wonderful community of loved ones that I have spread all across the globe. Sounds like a good excuse for some anxiety-free travelling now doesn't it?

Just one last question though:
What do I do if I have bad dreams?

"I DON' WANNA!"

Sometimes I think that Bronchitis is what happens when you deny the presence of a cold for too long; Karma bites you in the ass and suddennly you're too sick to even enjoy the lounging that is now required of you. One day I will learn the value of self-care, one day...

At least I listened to my friend Mark this afternoon, the first time he told me that I should go see a doctor. Albeit this was after several days of holding in and denying the total exhaustion and weakness that I've been feeling. I knew I was sick, but for some reason I just have this knee-jerk "I'm fine/Don't worry about me" reaction whenever I could actually really use someone to take care of me... In any case, I happen to be in Oakville with my, uh, 'almost-parents' so at least I'm being taken care of. Now that I've finally admitted how awful I feel.

This afternoon, as Holly and I sat in the waiting room of the local walk-in medical clinic, we watched as a mother struggled with her clearly unhappy 3 year old daughter. I'm not sure exactly what was wrong with the little girl, but it can be assumed (since we were sitting in a medical waiting room, and based on some of her mother's comments) that the little girl was sick. And sickness is typically uncomfortable. Hence her whining, and wailing, and occassional flailing. "I don' wanna see the doctor" she said calmly when her mother threatened her weakly with "I'm going to have to take you out of here and then you won't be able to see the doctor, and we won't be able to make you feel better..." Nice try mom. I could practically see the little girl lighting up at the thought of getting out of this stuffy and unpleasant waiting room. I wasn't exactly having a grand time myself.

As I watched this little girl, only slightly annoyed by the disruptive nature of her vocal displeasure, I mostly longed for that freedom of emotional expression that comes with being a child. Sometimes I long to be able to throw myself down on the floor and give voice to all my fear, anxiety, frustration and sadness with a hearty wail of "I DON' WANNA!"

And as my departure for St Louis (where I will be spending this summer, performing in a kids show) grows nearer, and my typical pre-departure travel anxiety begins to quietly set in, I find myself longing for an outlet to even gently whisper "I don' wanna leave my friends for the summer..." especially when so many of them won't be here when I get back in September, thanks to grad school and other wonderful life-moving-forward kind of opportunities.

Oh yes, there's lots I could whine about right now. But I think for the most part it's just the fever and the tightness in my chest trying be heard... So hopefully with this blog post, I've gotten a little bit of that out of my system. Next up: the mucus in my chest (Oh, SORRY! Was that too much information?)