Am in Oakville right now. Yes, again. I'm sure I've said this before, but I like it here. And for whatever reason, this is where I want to be most of the time these days. So be it.
On Saturday night Holly and Paul and I went to see a movie: "Lars and The Real Girl." I quite loved it. Ryan Gosling plays this quiet, recluse sort of guy who basically invents a relationship for himself with a life-sized plastic doll, and the small town he lives in sort of rallies around him in support of his delusion, and in a way this doll is given life... Sort of... Explaining this movie doesn't really do it justice, so I basically just recommend going to see it.
I have to admit though, that I have found myself really compelled by this notion of inventing a relationship with an inanimate object... It seems so appealling to have so much control over something like that... It also seems so tempting to not have to live in the real world. Actually, sometimes I feel like I'm not really living in the real world these days. That I am avoiding it. I try to face it, but it's just so bloody tiring!
And you know what I find particularly exhausting/terrifying/overhwelming? Brace yourself now for the irony of this...
The Internet!
Yes, I know that coming from someone who is writing a fully accessible online blog, it is definitely ironic to be often-times paralysed with fear of the internet, but it is this wierdly addictive and powerful window into other people's lives! For instance, this morning I went and browsed through Facebook checking out pictures from the lives of people I went to university with. And then I read the blog of a friend I used to work with who is travelling through Thailand with her sister. And all I could think about was how there was so much life happening around me... And in some ways my own life feels so still right now...
A memory from earlier this morning floated through my mind: As I was recording a dream in my journal from last night, I went to write today's date at the top of the page and almost wrote September 19th. It really does feel in some ways like I've misplaced the last few months and I believe that it should still be September...
I feel as though I am being quite complain-y and lamenting too much here about my current state of being. But that wasn't really my intention... You see, although I do feel somewhat lost and at odds and ends with myself, I also feel quite strong in a way... I feel that it is strong in a way to even be writing the truth about where I am at in my life, especially when that place feels somewhat stuck and "icky". I also think that it takes strength to recognise/believe that some days are better than others...
Well, I really do feel as though all my mind can really do today is wander... And just like it is nice to go out and just take a walk some days, for no reason, I think it is nice to just let your mind take a walk some days... for no reason... I have to go back to work again tomorrow, and I will probably feel better, so for today I am going to continue to try and relax and just let my mind wander...
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