An Attitude of Grattitude

It is 6:05am and I am still nestled cozily in my bed as I write this... It's been lovely the last few days because my body seems to have finally accepted my conscious desire to return to my once natural habit of waking up early. And by that I mean that when my alarm clock goes off at 5:47am my instinct is not to leap from my bed barely conscious, hit the snooze button and then immediatelty collapse back into unconsiousness. No, this morning especially, I hit the snooze button to silence the beeping but then I lay in bed vey much awake and conscious, my mind racing somewhat with thoughts of the days both ahead of and behind me.

In a few hours I will meet up with Robin (who has been in Oakville with her parents for the last week and) who will be taking the go-train in this morning with her dad so that she and I can spend the day hangin' out in Toronto together before we meet her guy, Ethan, at the train station tonight and then all head back out to Oaky-ville together. Ethan is coming from their home in Burlington, Vermont to join us all for the weekend partly because there is a wedding reception that we are all going to attend on Saturday afternoon. A guy that Robin and I went to school with, whose family is longtime friends with Robin's family, got married in Vancouver this Fall, but his bride's family is from T.O. so they are having a reception here this Saturday.

Anyhow, I'm looking forward to the day ahead with Robin. I made a mental note to remember to use my lovely digital camera that her parents gave me a few months ago and take lots of pictures of us hanging out. And that thought got me thinking about how thankful I am...

Thankful to have that camera, because taking pictures really reminds me of and makes me feel connected to my grandma, who was taken from my life so suddenly and brutally eight years ago this month. It's hard to believe that eight years have passed since then...

I am also so thankful to have Robin and her parents in my life... I am thankful for all that they have done for me in the past, to support me and ensure my safety and success in life, but I am especially thankful for the way that my relationship with both Robin and her parents has grown and evolved; I am thankful for the deeper and more mature love, friendship and sense of family that we now share...

And as I lay in bed thinking about how grateful I am for my relationships with Robin and her family, I got to thinking about other relationships that I am thankful for...

I spent a lovely evening last night with my friend Devon, and I found myself thinking about how thankful I am for our friendship. How great it is to sit across from her, listening and speak ing so honestly and easily for hours upon hours! I am so thankful for the mutally loving, wise and supportive relationship that we have...

And speaking of (or rather, thinking of) mutually loving, wise and supportive relationships that have deepened and matured over the years... My mind then wandered to thoughts of my friend Mark, whose birthday it is this friday and with whom I had the pleasure of once again having a home-cooked (yes, he's still on the cooking kick) meal with on Monday evening. Of course I am thankful that he likes to invite me over while he experiments with new and delicious recipes, but I am especially thankful for the quality time that these get-togethers afford us; I sit on the stool at his kitchen counter, occassionally making myself useful by chopping something, and we chat as he prepares dinner, the eating of which is naturally conduscive to even more chatting. I love it.

And now, after recording all of those thoughts of gratitude that came to me as I lay in the darkness this morning, I should probably sign off and get myself up and about and ready to start my day...

So my dear readers, at whatever point during whatever day that you end up reading this, I challenge you to think of some thing(s) or people that you are thankful for.... And feel free to share your thoughts of gratitude with me via a comment here!

*NAMASTE*

Confessions From A Wandering Mind...

Am in Oakville right now. Yes, again. I'm sure I've said this before, but I like it here. And for whatever reason, this is where I want to be most of the time these days. So be it.

On Saturday night Holly and Paul and I went to see a movie: "Lars and The Real Girl." I quite loved it. Ryan Gosling plays this quiet, recluse sort of guy who basically invents a relationship for himself with a life-sized plastic doll, and the small town he lives in sort of rallies around him in support of his delusion, and in a way this doll is given life... Sort of... Explaining this movie doesn't really do it justice, so I basically just recommend going to see it.

I have to admit though, that I have found myself really compelled by this notion of inventing a relationship with an inanimate object... It seems so appealling to have so much control over something like that... It also seems so tempting to not have to live in the real world. Actually, sometimes I feel like I'm not really living in the real world these days. That I am avoiding it. I try to face it, but it's just so bloody tiring!

And you know what I find particularly exhausting/terrifying/overhwelming? Brace yourself now for the irony of this...

The Internet!

Yes, I know that coming from someone who is writing a fully accessible online blog, it is definitely ironic to be often-times paralysed with fear of the internet, but it is this wierdly addictive and powerful window into other people's lives! For instance, this morning I went and browsed through Facebook checking out pictures from the lives of people I went to university with. And then I read the blog of a friend I used to work with who is travelling through Thailand with her sister. And all I could think about was how there was so much life happening around me... And in some ways my own life feels so still right now...

A memory from earlier this morning floated through my mind: As I was recording a dream in my journal from last night, I went to write today's date at the top of the page and almost wrote September 19th. It really does feel in some ways like I've misplaced the last few months and I believe that it should still be September...

I feel as though I am being quite complain-y and lamenting too much here about my current state of being. But that wasn't really my intention... You see, although I do feel somewhat lost and at odds and ends with myself, I also feel quite strong in a way... I feel that it is strong in a way to even be writing the truth about where I am at in my life, especially when that place feels somewhat stuck and "icky". I also think that it takes strength to recognise/believe that some days are better than others...

Well, I really do feel as though all my mind can really do today is wander... And just like it is nice to go out and just take a walk some days, for no reason, I think it is nice to just let your mind take a walk some days... for no reason... I have to go back to work again tomorrow, and I will probably feel better, so for today I am going to continue to try and relax and just let my mind wander...

Here, Now.

Yes, I am aware that my "summer hiatus" went on for quite some time. AND it was extended in to the Fall. Well, so it goes.

I must admit that I have been thinking about and wanting to start blogging again for quite some time now, but I have been dwelling on how to start again. I have been searching for, and drafting in my head, a way to write about and explain my "hiatus time." That is, until I recently came to the conclusion that I do not have to explain anything. I do not owe any explanations to the universe. This is my blog for goodness sake!

So here I am. Back. For now.

My life is very different these days, but that's probably a good thing...

I am presently enrolled in a meditation course. It is a "MBSR" (Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction) program based very closely on the program developed by Jon Kabat-Zinn(just google him if you're really that interested). It's good, I guess. I'm not sure that I really "get it" yet, but I am faithfully doing my homework which so far consists of an hour-long daily mediation practice (with accompanying Guided Imagery CD's - thank goodness!)

I also just started a new job last week. I cannot seem to make this statement (either privately, publicly, outwardly or inwardly) without attaching the following statement: "It's not My Next Great Career Move, but it's good for now."

The job is in a lovely little bookstore that specialises in selling books on alternative health & spirituality, and healing, as well as gift-y type products such as cards and journals, gemstones and crystals, jewellery, essential oils, etc.

As I happen to currently find myself at a bit of a "crossroads", or period of change, (Or Whatever), I think it shall be a perfect job to help me bring stability and routine to my life (as well as a very minimal amount of income - but something is better than nothing, right?)

Anyhow, my big goal right now is to LIVE life and not be defined by what I do.

I'm starting to really focus on enjoying simple things: Taking a walk on a nice day. A good meal. A good movie. Good company...

I am planning on learning to knit. I am really looking forward to this.

Presently I am in Oakville (where I have been since Saturday night, but I have to head back to Toronto this afternoon/evening because I have to work tomorrow), I have been enjoying a little visit with Holly & Paul (Robin's parents). I've actually spent quite a bit of time here over the past few months; it's a good, safe, supportive place for me, and I hope to keep my visits here regular over the next few months.

It was my birthday on Friday. I tend not to make a big deal of this occasion, and it wasn't a big deal, but it was lovely. (Perhaps more reflection on birthdays will come later this week...)

Holly and Paul bought me my (icredibly generous) birthday gift early and gave it to me when I spent about a week with them around Thanksgiving in early October, when Robin was here. They bought me a digital camera. Here are a few shots from the lovely, lovely time that I got to spend with them and Robin while she was here:


Robin and I immediately after jumping in to the freezing cold lake at her uncle's cottage near Kingston, on Thanksgiving weekend. This mini "polar bear swim" (or as it's been more aptly named by Robin's Aunt Janet - The Turkey Splash) was the brilliant idea of Rob's cousin Lindsay, who conveniently forgot to bring her bathing suit.


To be honest, I probably wouldn't have pursued this ridiculous notion of jumping into freezing cold water on Thanksgiving weekend, if Robin hadn't been so intent on it. But I'm glad we did it. It was fun. And it was especially lovely to spend that whole week at the beginning of October with Robin and her parents... Very, very lovely...

Soooooo...
It is my intention to write more, again, on this blog, as my journey through life continues... Guess we all just have to wait and see what happens...