Finding My (Artist's?) Way

Here I sit, on a sunny Friday morning, aware that yet again it has been nearly a week since my last post on here! Such a clear indication that I have allowed my life (and my self, really) to be consumed by far too many outside distractions... Namely: work, and all the pressure and expectations that I place upon myself surrounding my responsibilities to my job (both as a performer and as the show manager)!

Well, it would appear that the universe has had quite enough of my delusion, distraction and self-destruction these days... I am presently about to serve the second of two days of imposed/prescribed days off from work, during which I am taking the time to attempt to reflect upon my seriously self-destructive habits. You see, I have been having voice problems for the last four weeks and my boss in Canada finally ordered me to see an Ear, Nose & Throat specialist, which I did on Wednesday morning. The diagnosis was that I have two small nodes on my vocal chords, which is serious but nothing permanently serious, thank goodness! So the doctor prescribed me a TONNE of medication and ordered me to take the next six days off from work - HA! So, obviously that's not gonna happen. But my boss in Canada (and my colleagues here) did order me to take yesterday and today off at least, in addition to my usual upcoming Monday and Tuesday next week. So I'm trying to rest. And I'm not speaking. At all. It's hard, and interesting...

I've been reflecting a lot on all the crazy things that have happened to me since I've been here... The black eye I got, my finger incident, and now my vocal nodes...

And if I really and truly listen, I think that I can realise that the universe is desperately trying to get me to pay attention to and take care of myself! And I can almost hear all of you regular readers out there rolling your eyes and groaning about the fact that I seem to be presented with this lesson over and over again, and shouting in your heads: When will she learn?!? When will she learn?!?!

Oh, I am trying. I am really, really trying now. But it's hard. Not being good at taking care of myself is definitely my greatest weakness! But it's interesting to note that the week of 'The Artist's Way' that I am currently working on is all about reflecting on our self-destructive nature and our tendencies to put the needs of others before our own. They might as well re-name the chapter "The Meghan Tendencies."

In any case, it is nice to have the book/program as a companion to what I am going through right now. It is asking me the right questions and helping me to reflect on all of the joys of life that would be so much better for me if I just took a little more time and care for me!

It's still hard though. I am struggling so much, even now, with feelings of guilt about not working yesterday or today. I worry that my colleagues here think I am a weak performer who doesn't know how to take care of her voice, or that I am simply a weak person who cannot handle the responsibilities of performing and show managing. I hate not working. It leaves me without a feeling of purpose. I hate not being able to talk - I rely so much on my voice and my verbal self expression! I practically define my own existence with it! I hate that I don't feel healthy right now (whether I am sick or if it's just side effects from the medication that I am taking)! I hate that all that I really should be doing today is resting - I want to go out for a run, make phone calls, write letters, do paperwork... be productive! But I know in my heart that the greatest challenge for me right now is to simply rest and take care of me, so I am going to try to rise to that challenge...

So on that note, I guess I ought to sign off from here and go do... nothing... ugh.