Traveling Heart

When I purchased my ipod nano online a few years ago, there was a promotion which offered online customers the opportunity to get something “engraved” (in reality, it’s more like printed) on the back of your ipod for free. Given that it’s a device designed to go with you wherever your travels take you, I selected a quote that had become one of my favorites, and seemed fitting:

“Wherever you go, go with all your heart”

Well, for better or for worse, I do. To every place I visit, to every event I attend, to every relationship and every job that I take on, I go with what my friends and I have come to refer to as my “wide open heart.” I say ‘for better or for worse’ because sometimes this exposed heart of mine leaves me rather susceptible to heartbreaking sadness, disappointment, frustration and even anger. Although my closest friends seem to agree that this ‘wide open heart’ of mine is one of my finest and most endearing qualities, it is also their greatest cause for concern for me. So often I have looked into their faces after announcing a new love (be it for a new job, a new person or a new place) and spotted a distinct fear, lurking of course behind a veil of genuine happiness for me, but nonetheless they are afraid. They are afraid on behalf of my heart. You see, they so sincerely want nothing but happiness for me, and have witnessed how hard the fall from such great heights of love and joy can be on me.

Rest assured though, I’m no dummy. I know my heart is my greatest liability, but I believe it is also my greatest strength; My ‘wide open heart’ allows me to form true connections with a wide variety of people, in a wide variety of contexts. I also feel that the pain it sometimes causes me has enhanced my capacity for compassion and empathy. But most of all, I feel that my wide open heart has enabled me to live THE most incredible, joy-and-adventure-filled life that I could possibly live!

So as I sit here writing this (in a Word doc, to be posted to my blog once I have internet access later tonight), I am at the Atlanta Airport en route from Florida (my home for the last four months) to Vermont (for my best friend’s wedding this weekend) before heading home to Toronto for the summer. I am feeling both filled with loving gratitude as well as a little bit heartbroken… Heartbroken simply by the sadness, or more aptly the bittersweetness, of the goodbyes I’ve had to say over the last few days, but comforting myself with the adage that every little ‘heartbreak’ merely cracks my heart just a little more open.

Much more powerful than the heartbreak though, are the warm, fond memories of all of the incredible experiences that have brought me to this moment now:

As often happens with me, I seem to have recently come through a phase during which I did not write on my blog very frequently. (And, as is often the case, I hereby declare that I intend to blog more frequently again!) In any case, to bring you (my dear readers) up to speed, I have just completed a four month contract working as an actor in a kids show at The Kennedy Space Center in Titusville, FL. I worked and lived with two other actors – Julia and Dave. At this time, I simply have no adequate words to describe what each of them has come to mean to me, but suffice it to say, they will each forever hold a very special place in my heart. And in addition to my roomies/co-workers Dave and Julia, I also came to be friends with a few other special people who work at The Space Center. And it is the memories of all these unique and remarkable friendships, and the fun times that we shared, that have me smiling right now.

Oh yes, I am smiling. Sure, at times today (and over the past few days), my smiles have been through tears of sadness (I hate goodbyes). But just now, I caught myself smiling and laughing to myself, getting lost in the abundance of good memories that I have to keep me company during this transition time. I am happy, I am thankful, and I am confident that the love that I have put out in to the universe is reciprocated.

So, for the record, I’ll keep my wide open heart just the way it is. And I’ll keep going, seeking out the next great adventures and the joy, and wherever I go you can be sure that I will go with all my heart!

BLASTOFF!

Yes, it has been forever (or at least too long) since I last wrote a blog entry - what else is new?

I just watched my first (and likely my only) space shuttle launch in to outer space! Yes, I am still here in Titusville, Florida. Still performing 'Mad Mission to Mars' for families at the Kennedy Space Centre. Still living and working with Dave and Julia at our apartment in Titusville, conveniently located just across the river from the NASA launch pads.

Today Dave and I performed five fabulous and fun shows for excited space-geek families and then busted out of work to make it home in time to watch the launch from our balcony. Julia returned triumphantly from her personal fitness trainers weekend course in Orlando and the whole 'Mad Science Family' was home together to watch six astronaughts blast off in to outer space. Launch time was scheduled for 7:40pm and it all seemed to go off without a hitch.

I made a conscious choice not to waste my attention on capturing the experience with photos, because I have recently become enamoured with 'that which we cannot hold on to' - as in, moments and memories that are not 'captured' in digital images or even words (though I do realise I am writing about this now, but anyhow...). So I didn't really take pictures (I took a few once I lost sight of the shuttle... the smoke was beautiful!) but I experienced the moment. It was beautiful. I couldn't help but be completely awed by what I was watching...

Six men, astronaughts who had been preparing for years for this, strapped in and being launched away from our planet... in to space... They left our planet. Not a lot of people can say that. How incredible.

It was truly a beautiful sight and I know that it is one of those precious experiences that I will always remember. I am so thankful that I got to be here, now, for this. I am thankful that this incredibly fun job - that has me spending my winter in sunny Florida on stage performing for kids and their families - has allowed me the experience of watching a space shuttle launch!

I know that if there is actually anyone out there still reading my little blog, you are probably wanting me to give more of an update on my life these days too... and hopefully I will feel inclined to do such a thing sometime soon... and if not, know this: I am lucky and I am thankful and I am still here... in Florida until the end of April and then...

who knows?

"to infinity and beyond" ?

The Blogdate Thus Far

Update time! Alright, this is my life so far... Just over two weeks in to my gig working and living in Titusville, FL, love my co-workers and roomates (LOVE 'em!), love my job (it's SO much fun!!!), am meeting some new peeps and making some new friends, and slowly starting to find my own way 'round here...

The tally so far is as follows, I have:
- seen several dolphins, one very special one in particular that I have decided is 'my' dolphin
- seen an ARMADILLO(!), a family of wild hogs AND a wild eagle's nest (SO HUGE!) all in one day!
- held a wild chameleon AND watched a rocket launch in to the sky (also in one day)
- seen waaaay to many 'gators (that's the abbreve for ALIGATORS, fyi) than I can count
- made two edible dinners for my roomates, in addition to two batches of apparently delicious brownies (!!)
- partied at The Clarion Hotel bar in Titusville, two saturdays in a row
- discovered a yoga studio that I plan to visit regularly
- performed a fun, 30-minute show about the science of space travel, for families from around the world, approximately 24 times so far
AAAAAAAND...
I have said "I love my life" more times than I can count, and more times than most people seem to feel is humanly possible.

But it's true. I'm lovin it!

So here I am in my role as "Kelvin" (the zany side-kick to 'Professor Pruvitt' in our awesomely fun show here at The Kennedy Space Centre Visitor's Complex - 'Mad Mission to Mars!')

And here I am with my co-star, Dave:

And here is Dave at the 'Veteran's Memorial Pier' in Titusville - one of our favorite spots to enjoy some sunset photo-taking and dolphin watching (have I mentioned that I love my life?!?!):

(One of my favorite sights)

Well, I realise this blogdate is a little succinct, but to be honest, I'm not feeling hugely motivated to be writing on here right now. But I wanted to keep y'all updated on the greatness that I'm livin and lovin these days. I will write more again, and soon, I promise.

But for now, bon soir.

And NAMASTE.

XOX

Dream (And Be Thankful) Every Day

"Would you rather be safe and good, or do you want to take a chance and be great?"
- Jimmy Johnson

The above is a quote from the page I wrote in today of the lovely journal that my dear friends Mark and Christie gave me for christmas (despite my requests for no gifts, I did get some this year, and they were all ridiculously thoughtful and perfect, I must say!) This journal is rather special, in that it is quite pristine looking and just so, so, soooo appropriate for me! It's far too special for me to use it merely as an every day/morning pages kind of journal, so I've devised a special purpose for it: Each page on the left has an inspirational sort of quote and each page on the right says "Dream Every Day" in the lower righthand corner. So I write each day on two pages; I read the quote of the day, write down the date and then fill up the lefthand page with gratitude - listing all that I can think of to be thankful for on this day. I then proceed to the righthand side page and fill that one up with my hopes and dreams and intentions and plans... for the moment, the day, the week, year - for my entire life! It's great. I love it. And it makes me think fondly of my dear friends Mark and Christie each morning when I write in it - a definite added bonus!

So here I am: living a life that I feel many can only dream of living... My job is to perform a high-energy kids show for families who have travelled from all around the world to The Kennedy Space Centre in Titusville, Florida. I live and work with two positively amazing individuals with whom it is not just a total pleasure to be on stage with, but also a wonderful adventure to be living and hanging out with! Both Julia and Dave have worked this gig before, so they both also come with their own set of friends here and their own ideas of what life here is like. Which is nice for me, in some ways, to be able to tag along on their already-established good livin'. But I also feel like now that I am a little bit settled here, I am ready to find my own way a little bit, and discover and develop my Florida life and style!

Today is my first day off. Dave and Julia just left for work which means that I have a few hours here at the condo to myself. Oh, and Big Plans, Big Plans... Ha! I think actually I will spend this glorius day at the apartment doing a little bit of writing, a little bit of reading, a little bit of solo-dance-partying with my music cranked up nice and loud (though not too loud 'cause we do live in the land of senior citizen retirees!), a little bit of long-distance phone call making, aaaaand... (drumroll please) I am going to practice this thing on Dave's guitar that he showed me because some people here have got it in their heads that I am going to learn how to play bass. Yes, me. Oh my.

You see, both Dave and Julia are very musical - Dave with the guitar and Julia with piano and vocals. And Dave's friend Jim, who also works at The Kennedy Space Centre, plays the drums and is all about getting together for jam sessions. So we went over there the other night, and it was lovely. We didn't have Julia's keyboard so mostly she and I watched and chatted as Jim and Dave jammed, but then Julia tried out the drum set and the three of them played together a little bit while Jim's partner Della and I watched happily. It was lovely:
So Jim's all about me learning to play bass guitar so that we can all jam together. We'll see. Might as well try, right? In any case, I am super-duper thankful to be where I am right now and with who I am with on this adventure... so on it goes!

(Will get around to taking and posting more pics on here soon, I promise!)

NAMASTE

This Is How I Roll:

I've been deliberating for a few moments now about whether to write a blog entry right now or not... You see, it's been a busy few days, and I want to tell you all about it, but I also want to SHOW you... Alas, I lack the particular energy and motivation right now to run around taking photos of my new Florida bedroom, my new Florida apartment and it's beautiful view... I promise I will take some pics of these things, as well as of me all costumed up for my new show and with my new colleagues and roomates... Later.

For now, let me tell you this: I am happy to be here. It is a crazy-full swelling of happiness and joy that I feel to be back doing this work that I love, to yet again be living and working with some truly lovely and talented people, and to be discovering yet another new place! It is so great, so great! I also feel full and brimming and overflowing with a sense of love and gratitude (and maybe a little nostalgia too) for all of my wonderful dear ones that I had to leave behind... in Canada, and elsewhere. I love and miss you all so much - THANK YOU for all of your lovely little messages via facebook, blog comments and emails!!!

It's been a typically whirlwind first few days here for me - but that just seems to be how I roll with these things: minimal sleep coupled with maximum exposure to all sorts of things new and unfamiliar (new living arrangements, new roomies and co-workers, new show to learn, etc!) Yes, it's been busy. My main focus since we arrived on Monday afternoon (yes, just two and a half days ago!) has been on learning the new show that I am going to perform for the public (here at the Kennedy Space Centre Visitor Complex) for the first time ever tomorrow!!!

Today will be my last day of watching my colleagues and roomates Dave and Julia perform their version of the show, then I will get a few rehearsals in with Dave this evening, and then tomorrow... it's ON! I'm super excited, but I feel like I want to get on with my day and get prepared for all this excitement. So here I go...

Again, I promise to write more again (and post some pics) reeeeal soon!

It Must Be Done (therefore I must do it)!

For those of you who've been following me and my life via this blog for a while now (oh you sweet ones you!), you are familiar with my, uh, 'travel anxiety'. I have attempted to process this anxiety of mine via writing several times here now... And to some avail...

It is a somewhat perplexing phenomenon, even to me, this anxious/nauseaus feeling I have throughout the days and nights leading up to my departure, despite the fact that I truly love to travel! Anyhow, it is what it is, and I do what I can to ease it. One tactic that I've found particularly useful is getting myself packed and ready quite far in advance of my travels, so that I'm not procrastinating my responsibilities and prolonging the anxiety. This sort of helps. I also tend to write myself motivational messages and post them around my room. Oh, okay, I do this even when I'm not preparing to leave! At the end of my summer in St Louis I was quite a mess and had all sorts of lists and notes posted up for myself. My friend Jon found this quite entertaining. He and I are still in touch and he asked me to take some pictures of my current lists and post them for him to see, so Jon my dear, these are for you:

Above: My calendar for the last few weeks as well as my to-do lists, checkboxes and all!
And below: an embarrassingly closer look at my lists!

Well, I'm not sure if it's clear or not, but I do actually have most of these boxes checked off now! Tomorrow will be my last day in Toronto before I hop on yet another plane and fly on Monday morning to Florida, where I will be working and living for the next four months. Ultimately I am really looking forward to this next adventure of mine, for many reasons, and thankfully I am able to remember that despite the slight fog of my current 'departure anxiety'! Tomorrow will be a good last day in the city for me, I hope... It will be spent mostly at home, or close to home, I think. I will go to one last yoga class in the morning, and then home to do a final load of laundry and the final pack of all (I call all suitcase packings - and I do do several! - up until this final pack, "pre-packs", oh my) and then hopefully a relaxing evening at home with my roomies.

Then bright and early on Monday morning I will be Florida bound! It will surely be an interesting time, so I promise to try and blog more often than I managed to during my last tour (but it was SUCH a whirlwind!).

As I prepare myself for my next adventure, I draw comfort from the safety and security that I feel from all of my loving relationships... friends, family, etc... past, present & future... I carry each of you with me everywhere that I go!

*NAMASTE*

A Perfect Night?

I was talking with my yoga teacher the other day about New Year's Eve plans and she mentioned that the two "holidays" that she's not really a big fan of are New Years and Valentines Day. Tell me about it! They both seem made-up and apropos of nothing. Well, sort of. But nonetheless they tend to be dates on which you somehow find yourself thinking about doing something notable...

And so, as I walked home in the snow last night, I found myself fantasizing about all the different ways I would like to be spending New Year's Eve tonight... And if I could be in a million (or even just 10 or 15) different places at once, this is what we'd do tonight:

We would go skating in Forest Park and then party in a suite a The Chase Park Plaza Hotel and reminisce about the summer...

We would make pizza and pancakes and sing "I'm Yours" over and over again until it's 2009...

We would finally follow up on that plan of sitting on the balcony of our suite at The Wynn and watch the crowds in Vegas ring in the new year, from the 'peace and quiet' of our hotel room, drinking and smoking, of course...

We would drink red wine using red licorice straws and play Scrabble by the fire, and talk about being "excited about our future"...

We would watch TV and eat appetizers for dinner and drink wine and let tonight be like any other night...

We would party at your sister's house and drink beer from the keg you bought and I would get to kiss you at midnite, and other times too probably...

We would cozy up by the fire in a chalet somewhere in the mountains (in Colorado, maybe?) and it would be quiet and warm and lovely...

Well, I'm actually still not %100 sure what I will be doing tonight, but I will certainly be thinking of all my dear ones - here, there and everywhere!

Happy New Year All!

A Year Well-Lived

Here it is, almost the end of another year. As I look back on this year, and prepare to face the next, I find myself feeling really, really proud of the way I lived this past year. I was reminiscing over the last few days by looking back through this year's blog postings... It was a year well lived for me, indeed! So, on that note, I have decided to do a little 'Year in Review' post here and now, and look back on my year with the help of my photos...

JANUARY 2008:

This year began for me with preparations for a good move. I truly feel that making the decision in December 2007 to move out of the basement apartment that I had living in alone for nearly two years was a pivotal decision. Alas, the moving itself was not without it's stresses...

2008 began for me with checklists and motivational post-it notes:

February 2008:

Finally, my 'moving day' arrived. It was the first weekend in February, and the day after the first major snowfall of the year... You know, the one that caused airlines to cancel flights and such?

The one that looked like this the morning after:

Yes, I drove a moving truck in this weather! (And gave my friend Mark a minor heart attack in doing so, I think...)

Oh, it was a snowy, snowy moving day - but thankfully I had a great team to help me!

Best Moving Team EVER! Pictured above: Mark, Me, Devon & Alison (Also part of the All-Star Team, but missing from the Pic are: my ever-faithful moving heroes Johnny Hall & Thea Lim, who were further supported by Brandon G., Guntar K., Laura and Louis!)

Alas, February also brought a big move for my best friend Alison - she got offered a one year contract with CBC Radio, stationed in Bathurst, New Brunswick! So great for her. Sad for all of us here in Toronto to have to say 'goodbye for now'...

At Ali's Goodbye Partay:

March 2008:

The cold and snowy winter months of February and March were lovely and cozy for us at 73 Vine... Lots of time spent at home settling in, eating dinners together, days spent playing with roomies Laura and Henry, evenings spent drinking wine and knitting by the fire... In short, general loveliness.

Here are my roomies; Laura, Louis & Henry at their 'first family show' to which I accompanied them one chilly saturday morning in March:

This winter also brought yet another pivotal decision/change in my life: the quitting of my retail job at The Bookstore and a return to teaching drama to little ones... I truly believe that the coincidental timing of one of my former employers contacting me with several drama teaching contracts that she needed to fill and me reaching the end of my rope with my not-so-fulfilling bookstore job, coupled with the strong support and encouragement of my new roomies, was all an act of the universe conspiring to help me make my life better... And better it continued to get!

I cooked my first turkey for Easter 2008:

And served it up to a very pleased community of dear friends & family:

The Easter Dins Crowd 2008:
Anthony Johnston, Louis Marrone, Robert Swan, Pam Pinch, Devon Elke and Victoria Swan!

April 2008:

The Spring was an exciting time of auditioning for, and being cast in, a children's show that would send me to live and work this summer in St Louis, Missouri, USA! I continued to teach throughout the Spring and re-connect with some dear old friends...

Helping Nikki move from Peterborough to Montreal:

Road-trip adventures - woo hoo!!!

And re-uniting with the old gang from my summer of serving at 7-West:

Always a fun and crazy time!

May 2008:

As the summer drew nearer, I began to prepare for my time in St Louis...

Meeting my fellow performers (and the Six Flags America cast & crew), and making new friends at rehearsals in Montreal:

Basking in the love of my 'Keeps it Real' crew at the SURPRISE good-bye party that they threw for me!!!

Aaaaand further basking in the love and friendship of my dear ones at our "Hello House/Goodbye Meg" Partay:

June, July & August 2008:
My Summer of Six Flags St Louis!!!

America The Beautiful:

My New Friends at Six Flags St Louis:

My fabulous colleagues and roomates and I being good 'Canades' on Canada Day 2008:

Me with my Best Besties Evs:

Meg, Jon & Audry at Six Flags St Louis' End-of-Summer Entertainment Dinner & Awards Ceremony!

Oh, and my other Bestie, Evan!

It was hard to say goodbye at the end of the summer...

September 2008:

But then I came home to 73 Vine in Toronto, and my lovely roomies Laura, Louis & Henry. And it was good to be home! I spent a lot of time this month just taking care of me... Meditating and walking a lot, and discovering my favorite new yoga teacher (www.movementcentre.ca)! I also worked at a great restaurant in my neighbourhood and made some lovely new friends. But as the winter neared, I began to feel restless and longed to be performing again...

October/November 2008:

Well, on Thanksgiving weekend my desires were answered - I was called by my boss from the summer and asked to jump in and replace an actor that he currrently had on tour who needed to return home to Canada. So two days after this call, I was on a plane to meet up with my new tourmates as they wrapped up their shows in Columbia, South Carolina!

The new CSI:Live! Tour Cast:

Me as Sydney Mathis and Dave as David Hart... CSI's!

This twist of fate made for a really great autumn for me - so full of fun and adventure! I toured with two great guys, in a truck, all across the USA! We performed in 12 different venues (and about 9 different states) over the course of 5 weeks! I travelled from South Carolina, to Texas, to Colorado, to Montana, to Washington, to Oregon, to California, to Nevada, to New Mexico, to Alabama and then back up to Canada! And I loved nearly every moment of it!

My Cowboys, er, I mean tour-mates Bryan & Dave in Wyoming:

Enjoying our two days off... in Vegas!!!

And yes, I spent my birthday (Nov 2nd) on tour, but I managed to stay faithful to my 'Project Birthday' (see blog posts from Sept '08) and I really was able to celebrate how well I'd taken care of myself and feel excited about the year ahead of me!

December 2008:

And the next thing I knew, it was December... I returned home from my whirlwind tour at the end of November, full of good memories and good feelings. But it was nice to be home again...

"Home for the Holidays"...

...with roomies Laura, Louis & Henry!

Laura even made me (well, decorated with Triple M's) my own stocking to hang by the fireplace!

And I got to spend another christmas with my dear friend Robin and her parents, Holly and Paul, and their extended fam on another 'whirlwind tour' of sorts....

Holly with her parents on Christmas Day at her sister's place in Kingston:

Robin & Ethan, also on Christmas Day:

"Best Friends" / "Sisters" Reunite for Holiday Happiness:

And here we are now: nearing the end of December, and the end of 2008 - a year well-lived in my books! It's been great to be able to look back on an entire year during which I feel I made consistently healthy and wise choices for myself, and then reaped the benefits! I am thankful, truly, truly thankful.

Looking back to this time last year, I am also reminded of my usual lack of new year's resolutions (though I did resolve to send more mail this year - which I did, and also reaped the loving benefits of!!!)... Last year I chose 3 words, instead of "resolutions". My goal (and I quote myself here) was "to examine each of these words/concepts throughout the year, to discover what they mean to me right now and how they represent my goals for myself this year." Those words were:

Community
Balance
Truth

Well, that was a pretty cool idea, if I do say so myself. And I certainly did examine each of those concepts, and their ever-changing meaning and relevance to me, constantly, throughout 2008. I liked this idea so much, that I decided I would do the same for 2009. My words for 2009 came to me a few days (maybe weeks?) ago, strangely enough with the assistance of my 2 year-old roomate Henry (don't ask how he helped, he just did.)

And so again, my "New Year's Goal" will be to examine the following words... what they mean to me now, and how my relationship with these notions will surely change and evolved over time. I shall examine both my desires for these concepts, as well as how they repell me or how I avoid them. In 2009, I shall examine my relationship to...

Adventure
Stability
Fear

And I'll keep trying to send at least one piece of real mail per week - so keep sending me your updated mailing addresses my dear ones!

And so, until your eyes meet my words on the screen again, I wish you all the very best that 2009 has to offer you, as well as all the best that you have to offer the world in 2009!

"Your heart is a muscle the size of your fist - keep fighting & keep loving!"

*NAMASTE*

From My Heart to Yours:

Well here it is, Christmas Eve Day, and I am happy. Really and truly. And this is something worth noting, I think.

I realised it a few days ago, but it seemed to have crept slowly and subtly in... I'm talking about my 'christmas spirit' of course. It all started a few days ago now, with me humming christmas carols and my roomate Laura noticing and calling me on it. It was then that I suddennly realised that I was truly feeling excited about the holidays. It was then that I also realised that I had not felt this way in a long, long time. After admitting that I was indeed feeling the return of my 'christmas spirit', I regaled Laura with the tale of the last time I remembered genuinely feeling this way...

It was about 11 years ago...

I was 16 and in grade 11. I had spent every evening during the last week of classes before the holidays mass-producing gingerbread men and homemade fudge. I did this at my grandmother's house, of course. And the whole ordeal was not without it's typical 'Meghan-melodramatic' staged photo shoot for my snap-happy grandma. (I wish I knew where those pictures are right now!) On the last day of school before the christmas break, I brought all my homemade holiday treats to school in giant christmas tins. Donning my red plaid holiday dress (the GAP's finest circa 1996), I pranced down the halls of my high school merrily distributing my yummy holiday goodies - to everyone! (At this point in the story Laura interrupts to ask "Wait a minute - are you actually the girl from that movie, 'Election'?!" Well, pretty much, yes.) Later that lovely day I skipped my afternoon classes to go to my friend Alison's house to watch 'It's a Wonderful Life' - my first time ever seeing that holiday classic!

Ah yes, 1997 was probably the last time that I genuinely felt the holiday spirit. Every year since then has brought many a reason to feel, uh, less than merry... From the sudden (though long overdue) split of my parents in the autumn of 1998, to the death of my grandparents in January 2000, to the death of my mother in December 2001. I maintain that it is thus perfectly acceptable for me to not feel enthusiastic about this time of year. And not simply because it is a time of year wrought with familial expectation which I always seem to fall short on, but also because it is a time of year full of many unpleasant 'anniversaries'. So of course there are things about this time of year that make me feel sad. They made me feel sad this year. They will undoubtedly always make me feel sad. But somehow, this year, they did not take over me...

I have a few different theories about why this is so, and I think that they are all true and accurate. For one thing, I feel as though I have paid my 'holiday misery dues' and put in enough years of feeling the pain that comes along with this season. Yes, some years more than others, but definitely every year for the last 10 or so, I have been clear about my lack of love for this 'holiday season.' So now I'm over it. For that matter, I kind of feel as though I am 'over' a lot of the sadness and depression that has, understandably, underscored the living of my life for the last decade. A decade - wow. yeah, that definitely sounds long enough to be less than happy. Especially when I feel that I truly am, deep down in my soul, a person meant for happiness and joy and love!

Oh, sorry - are you gagging now? Well, it's true. I am full of happiness, joy and love. But I also have a great capacity for sadness, and anger, and frustration, and loneliness... This is me. And right now, I am feeling so thankful to be reunited with my friend Robin, and her parents, who invited me in to their home and their family about 10 years ago now when I needed everything that they had to offer so badly. It is so nice to be all together for christmas, and for me to be able to feel that I am - FINALLY - in such a good place in life!

So, from my "family" to yours... From my heart to yours... I wish you all love, and joy, and merriment.

I also wish to borrow from an email newsletter that I recently received from my friend Grace Ross and conclude with this:

"Let us hold gently those for whom this time of year is more difficult: those grieving, or estranged or lonely. May their authentic voices ring clearly amidst the merriment and be received by the ears of our loving hearts, as we weave together the true spirit of of the Season."

'Tis the Season...

It's Saturday, and it's December now. Which means that many people are feeling the pull to do some 'holiday shopping' this weekend... right?

Well, not me. I was standing outside of my friends Devon & Pam's Queen West apartment building this morning thinking about how much I do not want to face the shopping world today, and I remembered an email that I sent to some of my dear ones a few weeks ago... I suddenly felt compelled to share this message with everyone who might want to read it and so, here it is:

(Sent Nov 19, 2008:)

Hello My Dear Ones!

As this 'holiday season' draws nearer, I find myself filled with the usual dread. Not because I don't thoroughly enjoy those twinkly little christmas lights that crop up everywhere, or even the odd holiday movie... No, I just hate the stupid consumerism of this time of year. I hate how it feels like everyone with something to sell, everywhere, is trying to convince us that if we REALLY love our loved ones we will spend money on them and buy them tonnes of STUFF.

The thing is, I really don't need or want more STUFF. Don't get me wrong, I want your love (I think I have your love - no?) but I just really don't need any STUFF to demonstrate that you love me. I also recognise that it is enjoyable for some to spend money on others and use gifts as a token or expression of their love/friendship/whatever, and that is A-ok with me.

But here's my request: if you choose to spend money on me this holiday season please use it to donate to one of my favorite charitable organisations (two are mentioned below), and then tell me about it with a nice card!

IMPORTANT: Just because you are receiving this email DOES NOT mean that I was expecting you to spend money on me this holiday season. I may be sending you this email simply in an attempt to inspire you to send a similar message to your friends & family... 'cause hey, I think it's a darn good idea!

But... if you DID have your heart set on spending some money in the name of your love for me this year, please spend it in my name by donating either to...

"Head & Hands" (a very cool, grassroots/community-based, youth organisation in Montreal that my friend Nikki works for. "Head & Hands" is committed to working with youth to promote their physical and mental health. This is a very, very effective organisation because of it's long history of working WITH its community to affect change in the best possible ways. This kind of work is very close to my heart and I would give them a million dollars if I had it to give!) www.headandhands.ca

OR

"CarbonZero" (a canadian-based organisation committed to providing the highest quality carbon offsets, sourced through the most stringent verification practices, based on a principle of transparency - to help combat the global warming that is happening as a result of our everyday activities, including the use of electricity, cars and planes) www.carbonzero.ca

You can purchase Carbon Offsets to help support me in counteracting all of the touring I've been doing this year at: http://www.carbonzero.ca/buyoffsets

Okay, long enough message.
Love you all!
XOX
megs

So, in the hopes of inspiring some of you out there to buy nothing for your loved ones, and/or request that they buy nothing for you, I have shared this message. I hope it inspires goodness in the world.

Another idea that I had this morning, if you really feel the need to give something solid to your loved ones, is to go out and buy some food for them to donate to the local food bank.

Or, if you want to feel super productive in your own life (like I do right now!) you can avoid the stores this month and spend time sorting through your own stuff at home, and then gather up your warmest not-used-enough-by-you clothes and accessories (I'm talkin' hats, scarves & gloves here - not bracelets) and donate them to a local shelter. If you are female in Toronto, I recommend taking your stuff to 'Jessie's Centre for Teenagers' (www.jessiescentre.org) - a centre for pregnant teens and teen mothers that I used to volunteer at - it's my donation centre of choice.

Okay, I guess that's all I wanted to say right now.
Fa-la-la-la-la and all that jazz.

Peace.

My Life is Your Life...

Because I know that I haven't been a very diligent blogger lately, and that's because my life has been sooooo full (of greatness), and I keep hearing my friends say that they are living vicariously through me these days, so... in a few sentences and snapshots, this is what my life has been like for the last six weeks or so...

I went on tour.
With two guys in a big truck.
I saw a lot of the USA...

And I got to perform, often, in tons of different theatres...
Big, fancy new ones and cool old ones,
I was on stage, performing a fun show, for screaming groups of school kids, all across the USA...
Fun, fun times...

I rode in the truck and looked around...
I looked back a little,
but mostly I looked forward...

I did "meghan-like" things,

Of course!

We spent our two days off in Vegas...

I had copius amounts of FUN!

And the road continues,

And I still love my life!

ENDNOTE:
I am "home" now, in Toronto (still loving my life!) But I will be leaving again to go and do yet another show, for four months, in Florida. I will be there from January-April 2009 and then... I will be ready for yet another great adventure, I'm sure!

I know this much is true...

I know that it has (yet again) been a long time since I wrote a blog entry.
So what else is new?
Well, lots is new in my life, and lots is not. I am still on tour, and I am still loving my job and by extension my life (because my life pretty much is my job these days), and all of that is not really what I feel like writing about right now. Right now, I feel like writing about what I know to be true at this time.

So, I know this much is true:
I want love. I have been wanting (okay, despite my proclamations that I don’t believe in wishing, I’ve actually caught myself lately wishing for…) love that is real and true and good for me. And just now, sitting here outside of our current theatre venue (in Southern California) beneath what I think may be a full moon, I realized (or rather, I remembered): I have that. I have so much real, true, good-for-me love in my life. I know this is true. And I am oh, so thankful for every ounce of it.

Furthermore, I know what kind of person I want to be – and in that real, true, secure knowledge of that person, I am realizing that I am that person. That person is someone who, deep down, wants everyone’s dreams to come true. As much as I want for myself, I want for others. That much, I know, is true.

I am also the kind of person who wants to be the very best that she can be. I am the kind of person who carries with her a constant awareness of how I might be able to improve. For this too, I am thankful.

And I am the kind of person who has chosen to believe, to have faith, to be thankful and to be loving. In the face of challenge, adversity and difficulty – I believe that I have chosen to simply walk forward through the fire as best I can, and be as thankful as possible.

I watched an excellent movie recently (Zeitgeist – do check it out!) and it contained a quote that resonated deeply with me:

“They must find it difficult…
those who have taken authority as the truth,
rather than truth as the authority”

I know this much is true: I have chosen truth as my authority. And this sometimes makes me the type of person who questions authority, sometimes to the dismay of those in authoritative positions. And I like that about me, even when others don’t like that about me. It is also true that I like to be liked, and thus sometimes it is difficult for me to take positions where I upset others. This is an ongoing struggle for me – but I choose to strive towards taking truth as my authority, as opposed to authority as my truth.

I also know this much is true:

I will always be my own worst enemy,
and my own Best friend.

I also know, all too well perhaps, about the ebb and flow of life. I know that all things must end, and though I struggle with endings, I know for certain that endings are the only way to make new things start. I know well the excitement of beginnings, and I love them, but I have grown to love endings too.

I have also come to know that the more you give, the more you have to lose, but I have never regretted giving all that I had to give simply because I had to face it's eventual loss.

I know that everyone and everything in one’s life is there to teach or show or remind us of something, but it is entirely up to each individual to figure out what that something is.

Furthermore, I know that sometimes life gives us a person or a situation and it seems like they are there for a specific reason, and sometimes this is so. But sometimes they end up being given to us for a completely different reason that becomes apparent only through the 20/20 vision of hindsight. So it goes.

I know that what doesn’t kill us most definitely makes us stronger. I know this because I am still here - alive and living and strong. Perhaps what I truly know is that I have not yet been given anything that I cannot handle (even though sometimes I thought that was exactly what I was being given) and I do believe that I will never be given anything that I cannot handle. Or perhaps I simply believe that I can handle anything. I’m still working on the core truth of that one…

Finally (for now), I know that many (if not all) of the best moments (of my life at least) are small and simple, and can easily go un-noted… but these are precisely the moments worth noting.

I know and believe that so completely that I feel it bears repeating:

I know that many, if not all,
of the best moments in life
are small and simple,
and can easily go un-noted...
but these are precisely the moments worth noting.

And so I shall go forth and attempt as best I can to take perpetual note of the little things – those lovely little things that bring me large, large joy.

One Week In

So here's the thing about being on tour - well, this tour at least: there's NO time to do anything besides ride in the truck, eat, sleep, un-load the set in to the current venue, perform at the current venue or load the set out of the current venue. Yes, that's really pretty much all I do.

Thankfully, I am in very good company. Yes, I love my tour-mates - Bryan and Dave - I think we are all so very lucky to be with each other on this tour. We work hard and well together, we have faced (many) challenges with determination and optimism, and we've enjoyed some good chats and very good laughs together while riding for hours in our truck as well! Here we are, a week ago today, setting out on the road together for the first time from South Carolina:

TEXAS HERE WE COME!!!

But not without a few delays first... You see, somewhere in Alabama our engine light came on and all of a sudden the truck wouldn't go above 40mph. Our show manager (and also my CSI co-star), Dave, called the truck company and arranged for us to take our truck in to a shop somewhere in Alabama to get looked at and hopefully fixed.

Turns out that getting our big yellow truck fixed was not gonna happen. We needed a new truck. It took the Alabama guys about an hour or so to get us our new truck, but we passed the time by unloading all of our gear, set, equipment out of the back of our first truck and in to the parking lot. And then we waited.

And if all that wasn't bad enough, the new truck was 2 ft shorter (lengthwise, and a little bit shorter heightwise) than our original - Tetris anyone? Well, we got the new truck loaded up and I think we were back on the road just after 8pm. In the end it was really only a 5 hour delay in Alabama... (I wish there was a button I could hit here to denote my sarcasm) So we drove and drove and drove, in the darkness of the night, trying to catch up for lost road time. Apparently the universe wanted us to stop driving just after midnite, because that's when we blew a tire. Yup, no joke. We pulled in to a hotel and poor Dave had to stay up until about 2am for the tow-truck driver who came and fixed it for us. And then bright and early the next morning, we were on the road again - we needed to get to Texas by that afternoon!

So we got to Texas... And I loved it there!

We performed first at a little theatre in Waco where the crew were so great and so cool and we loved them...

Then we moved on to the University of Texas in Tyler, TX and performed in a huge theatre that made us feel like rockstars...


We stayed in some nice hotels...

And even went out for dinner and mini-golf one night...


And then it was time to move on to Colorado, which is where I am now. We loaded our set in to the theatre yesterday and in about 15 minutes I will head out the door so we can go do our two shows here and then load our stuff out again. We get to stay here tonight and then it's on to Montana tomorrow. It's ridiculously gorgeous where I am here in Colorado - in the mountains just outside of Denver. I will take some more pics and hopefully write another blog entry sooner rather than later.

Anyhow, time to run out the door and go be an actor again!

For the record - I really love my life right now!










This is Sydney Mathis, CSI: Live, signing off... for now.