I couldn't have said it better myself...

Ever since I started this online journal, that I make such a conscious effort to ensure is ultimately positive, life-affirming and optimistic, I've been thinking about writing a post that explains just how low I was in the months immediately preceeding the creation of this blog. Something along the lines of "You know, I'm not always this happy" in the hopes of legitimizing all of my current joy, hope and determination.

So yes, I pretty much spent the month of January crying often in the basement part of my apartment, attending weekly therapy sessions, writing in my journal a lot, and trying to enforce my self-imposed rule of having to leave my apartment at least once a day by going for walks through the nearby Trinity Bellwoods Park and feeling quite certain that if everyone's life wasn't way better than mine, we are all living in hell. This, of course, was after I had a mortifying mental/emotional breakdown at my former place of employment because the entry code had been changed over the Christmas holidays and no one had told me, so I was locked out on my first day back to work in January. I still haven't been back there. What can I say? Sometimes the universe has very unique ways of preparing you for your next journey.

So anyhow, I feel quite certain that there is no way that I would be where I am right now - geographically, emotionally, professionally, etc. - if I had not had the courage and blind faith to go where I went then. But the thing is, these kinds of "lessons" are not the kind that you can teach others... one really has to figure these things out on their own. So, although I'm always willing to tell the truth about the good, the bad and the ugly of my life experiences, I know that there is nothing that I can do to really change other people's perspectives. Imagine then, how gratifying it was for me to receive this email the other day, from my lovely friend, Jaya K:

"meghan... i wanted to let u know i have been thinking of what u said about really low points (crying in the basement for many weeks you said?) and needing them sometimes (you said this at the gathering at your home). i wanted to tell u i was in montreal last weekend and went to this place where they make u finish yr appetizer before you have your main meal, finish that before dessert...but it's all "waste not want not." our reservation was for 6pm, which is WAY early by montreal standards - the french, they sleep in ;) - so we had the place to ourselves and the (*crazy*) owner/cook/waiter all-in-one decided to give us a sermon on hinduism and the yogi/bogie conflict. all about detachment and suffering and the only way to free yourself from this hell that is life etc, etc.

and he was sort of on my case because i was laughing and joyous and he was saying that laughter = hell. that when you laugh you are suppressing so much suffering. and that the only way to heaven/paradise is to cry, to mourn, to be in touch with sorrowfulness. and although i continued laughing, and it was a wonderful night, we had wine and everything, i have thought a lot about what he said. and i have had some real sadness in the last while, and i am truly grateful for it.

mourning and sorrow are so real, and if we can accept them for what they are, i think we have a much better understanding of the world and of ourselves. i think if happiness is all you're seeking, you cannot accept the range of experience in the world, and you will look away from suffering, and deny it.

there's a lot of propaganda in the self-help world (from scientology to "the secret") that says you can't be around bad things, bad people. that you should surround yourself with success and symbols of success. but i think that's such an intense denial. love comes from all places--the good, the bad and the ugly! and love doesn't always look rosey. sometimes it grips and drowns. i want it all!

so this is my message to you, sweet meghan - thank you for your wisdom and i hope i haven't distorted it. Love to you, and strength for its many manifestations!"

Far from distorting my "wisdom", I feel that Jaya has really articulated what I truly believe. I couldn't have said it better myself.

*NAMASTE*