We're back in Toronto. Sarah and I drove "home" from Burlington, Vermont yesterday, and in less than an hour I will wake the princess one last time so that she can shower and dress and prepare to get on a plane to take her to her home in Vancouver later this morning. When we called Robin last night to let her know that we had arrived safe and sound in Toronto, she confessed that after we left yesterday she cried a little. And I think I know exactly what she was feeling. Something will definitely feel empty when Sarah leaves. And this trip will be over.
It was a GREAT trip though! We wandered the adorably quaint streets of "downtown Burlington" (well, Robin and I wandered alongside Sarah, who shopped, of course); We went out for an amazingly fresh sushi dinner with Robin's fella Ethan (I'm a big fan of this guy!) followed by "Thursday Night Trivia" at some bar that Robin and Ethan go to every Thursday night with their friends; I went to school with Robin and met one of her students that reminds her of "high-school Meghan" (while Sarah shopped some more); We went to the fantastic store "Cheese Traders" and came home and made fondue and drank red wine and piled on to Robin's bed and had a girls night in and watched the movie "Stick It!"; We hid easter eggs for each other and had an easter egg hunt; We went and got pedicures (my first time!); We cooked a delicious "easter dinner" and had Robin's friend Erin over before we went out on Saturday night to "Retronome" for 80's dance night!!! In short, it was a blast. Sarah will email me pictures soon, I'm sure and then I will share.
So yeah, it's a wierd, wistfull feeling that I'm feeling now... I keep marvelling at the journey that life has taken me on over the past few months, and how I never would have imagined that I would (or that I COULD) be where I am right now... Which is very happy to be home in my Toronto apartment, preparing to make a decision about whether I can go away and work in Europe this summmer or not (and leaning towards not) while thinking about my plans to move to New York City in the Fall or Winter. And best of all, just totally grounded in my own feeling of "no matter what happens it's going to be okay-ness"!
So far, my journey in 2007 has taken me down to the deepest, darkest depths of my memories and feelings, and then back up towards the light again... My work has taken me on a trip to visit my past, my "hometown" of Vancouver, where I visited the life I left behind and struggled with the realisation that I have truly moved onward... Then my journey took me to New York City, where I glimpsed my future, and met my "best self" (I think)... I then travelled east, to Halifax, a place that I have visited frequently over the past 5 years, and often in times of tribulation and transition. In Halifax I visited with some of my best friends from my university years, and was reminded of who I was, who I am and who I have always been. And then finally, this road-trip to be re-united with the two women without whom I'm not sure I would exist at all... Words cannot describe how special it was to spend time in the year 2007 with my two best friends from high school, Robin and Sarah, and though so much has changed... in most ways, our friendship hasn't changed at all.
And between it all, there has been Toronto. The life here that I have made for myself. The people I love dearly. The friends I love to care for, and those whom I let take care of me. The friends I love to party with, laugh with, chat with, drive with, dance with, drink with, talk with, cry with... My beautiful apartment, and the lovely backyard that is waiting for spring to finally arrive so that it can flourish into the beautiful garden that it is. It's nice to be home.
And who knows where the journey will take me next?
For now, it's going to take me downstairs to wake Sarah and then out the door and down the street to Starbucks to fetch her some coffee. 'Cause I know she needs it in the morning and I don't have a coffee maker. But most of all, because when you love someone, and they've been your best friend for this long... you want to do things like this. Because you can.
PS - Sarah and I randomly rented the movie "You, Me + Dupree" last night and laughed our asses off. It was surprisingly funny, and joyful, and I looooooove that Owen Wilson. Hotness, Adorableness & Humor-ness = Owen-ness. Watch the movie. You'll get the joke.
Showing posts with label Journeys. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Journeys. Show all posts
Monday, April 9, 2007
Saturday, March 31, 2007
I couldn't have said it better myself...
Ever since I started this online journal, that I make such a conscious effort to ensure is ultimately positive, life-affirming and optimistic, I've been thinking about writing a post that explains just how low I was in the months immediately preceeding the creation of this blog. Something along the lines of "You know, I'm not always this happy" in the hopes of legitimizing all of my current joy, hope and determination.
So yes, I pretty much spent the month of January crying often in the basement part of my apartment, attending weekly therapy sessions, writing in my journal a lot, and trying to enforce my self-imposed rule of having to leave my apartment at least once a day by going for walks through the nearby Trinity Bellwoods Park and feeling quite certain that if everyone's life wasn't way better than mine, we are all living in hell. This, of course, was after I had a mortifying mental/emotional breakdown at my former place of employment because the entry code had been changed over the Christmas holidays and no one had told me, so I was locked out on my first day back to work in January. I still haven't been back there. What can I say? Sometimes the universe has very unique ways of preparing you for your next journey.
So anyhow, I feel quite certain that there is no way that I would be where I am right now - geographically, emotionally, professionally, etc. - if I had not had the courage and blind faith to go where I went then. But the thing is, these kinds of "lessons" are not the kind that you can teach others... one really has to figure these things out on their own. So, although I'm always willing to tell the truth about the good, the bad and the ugly of my life experiences, I know that there is nothing that I can do to really change other people's perspectives. Imagine then, how gratifying it was for me to receive this email the other day, from my lovely friend, Jaya K:
"meghan... i wanted to let u know i have been thinking of what u said about really low points (crying in the basement for many weeks you said?) and needing them sometimes (you said this at the gathering at your home). i wanted to tell u i was in montreal last weekend and went to this place where they make u finish yr appetizer before you have your main meal, finish that before dessert...but it's all "waste not want not." our reservation was for 6pm, which is WAY early by montreal standards - the french, they sleep in ;) - so we had the place to ourselves and the (*crazy*) owner/cook/waiter all-in-one decided to give us a sermon on hinduism and the yogi/bogie conflict. all about detachment and suffering and the only way to free yourself from this hell that is life etc, etc.
and he was sort of on my case because i was laughing and joyous and he was saying that laughter = hell. that when you laugh you are suppressing so much suffering. and that the only way to heaven/paradise is to cry, to mourn, to be in touch with sorrowfulness. and although i continued laughing, and it was a wonderful night, we had wine and everything, i have thought a lot about what he said. and i have had some real sadness in the last while, and i am truly grateful for it.
mourning and sorrow are so real, and if we can accept them for what they are, i think we have a much better understanding of the world and of ourselves. i think if happiness is all you're seeking, you cannot accept the range of experience in the world, and you will look away from suffering, and deny it.
there's a lot of propaganda in the self-help world (from scientology to "the secret") that says you can't be around bad things, bad people. that you should surround yourself with success and symbols of success. but i think that's such an intense denial. love comes from all places--the good, the bad and the ugly! and love doesn't always look rosey. sometimes it grips and drowns. i want it all!
so this is my message to you, sweet meghan - thank you for your wisdom and i hope i haven't distorted it. Love to you, and strength for its many manifestations!"
Far from distorting my "wisdom", I feel that Jaya has really articulated what I truly believe. I couldn't have said it better myself.
*NAMASTE*
So yes, I pretty much spent the month of January crying often in the basement part of my apartment, attending weekly therapy sessions, writing in my journal a lot, and trying to enforce my self-imposed rule of having to leave my apartment at least once a day by going for walks through the nearby Trinity Bellwoods Park and feeling quite certain that if everyone's life wasn't way better than mine, we are all living in hell. This, of course, was after I had a mortifying mental/emotional breakdown at my former place of employment because the entry code had been changed over the Christmas holidays and no one had told me, so I was locked out on my first day back to work in January. I still haven't been back there. What can I say? Sometimes the universe has very unique ways of preparing you for your next journey.
So anyhow, I feel quite certain that there is no way that I would be where I am right now - geographically, emotionally, professionally, etc. - if I had not had the courage and blind faith to go where I went then. But the thing is, these kinds of "lessons" are not the kind that you can teach others... one really has to figure these things out on their own. So, although I'm always willing to tell the truth about the good, the bad and the ugly of my life experiences, I know that there is nothing that I can do to really change other people's perspectives. Imagine then, how gratifying it was for me to receive this email the other day, from my lovely friend, Jaya K:
"meghan... i wanted to let u know i have been thinking of what u said about really low points (crying in the basement for many weeks you said?) and needing them sometimes (you said this at the gathering at your home). i wanted to tell u i was in montreal last weekend and went to this place where they make u finish yr appetizer before you have your main meal, finish that before dessert...but it's all "waste not want not." our reservation was for 6pm, which is WAY early by montreal standards - the french, they sleep in ;) - so we had the place to ourselves and the (*crazy*) owner/cook/waiter all-in-one decided to give us a sermon on hinduism and the yogi/bogie conflict. all about detachment and suffering and the only way to free yourself from this hell that is life etc, etc.
and he was sort of on my case because i was laughing and joyous and he was saying that laughter = hell. that when you laugh you are suppressing so much suffering. and that the only way to heaven/paradise is to cry, to mourn, to be in touch with sorrowfulness. and although i continued laughing, and it was a wonderful night, we had wine and everything, i have thought a lot about what he said. and i have had some real sadness in the last while, and i am truly grateful for it.
mourning and sorrow are so real, and if we can accept them for what they are, i think we have a much better understanding of the world and of ourselves. i think if happiness is all you're seeking, you cannot accept the range of experience in the world, and you will look away from suffering, and deny it.
there's a lot of propaganda in the self-help world (from scientology to "the secret") that says you can't be around bad things, bad people. that you should surround yourself with success and symbols of success. but i think that's such an intense denial. love comes from all places--the good, the bad and the ugly! and love doesn't always look rosey. sometimes it grips and drowns. i want it all!
so this is my message to you, sweet meghan - thank you for your wisdom and i hope i haven't distorted it. Love to you, and strength for its many manifestations!"
Far from distorting my "wisdom", I feel that Jaya has really articulated what I truly believe. I couldn't have said it better myself.
*NAMASTE*
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