"I DON' WANNA!"

Sometimes I think that Bronchitis is what happens when you deny the presence of a cold for too long; Karma bites you in the ass and suddennly you're too sick to even enjoy the lounging that is now required of you. One day I will learn the value of self-care, one day...

At least I listened to my friend Mark this afternoon, the first time he told me that I should go see a doctor. Albeit this was after several days of holding in and denying the total exhaustion and weakness that I've been feeling. I knew I was sick, but for some reason I just have this knee-jerk "I'm fine/Don't worry about me" reaction whenever I could actually really use someone to take care of me... In any case, I happen to be in Oakville with my, uh, 'almost-parents' so at least I'm being taken care of. Now that I've finally admitted how awful I feel.

This afternoon, as Holly and I sat in the waiting room of the local walk-in medical clinic, we watched as a mother struggled with her clearly unhappy 3 year old daughter. I'm not sure exactly what was wrong with the little girl, but it can be assumed (since we were sitting in a medical waiting room, and based on some of her mother's comments) that the little girl was sick. And sickness is typically uncomfortable. Hence her whining, and wailing, and occassional flailing. "I don' wanna see the doctor" she said calmly when her mother threatened her weakly with "I'm going to have to take you out of here and then you won't be able to see the doctor, and we won't be able to make you feel better..." Nice try mom. I could practically see the little girl lighting up at the thought of getting out of this stuffy and unpleasant waiting room. I wasn't exactly having a grand time myself.

As I watched this little girl, only slightly annoyed by the disruptive nature of her vocal displeasure, I mostly longed for that freedom of emotional expression that comes with being a child. Sometimes I long to be able to throw myself down on the floor and give voice to all my fear, anxiety, frustration and sadness with a hearty wail of "I DON' WANNA!"

And as my departure for St Louis (where I will be spending this summer, performing in a kids show) grows nearer, and my typical pre-departure travel anxiety begins to quietly set in, I find myself longing for an outlet to even gently whisper "I don' wanna leave my friends for the summer..." especially when so many of them won't be here when I get back in September, thanks to grad school and other wonderful life-moving-forward kind of opportunities.

Oh yes, there's lots I could whine about right now. But I think for the most part it's just the fever and the tightness in my chest trying be heard... So hopefully with this blog post, I've gotten a little bit of that out of my system. Next up: the mucus in my chest (Oh, SORRY! Was that too much information?)

Happy Valentines Day to Me!

Well, I'm sick. But actually, today I seem to be feeling a little better than I felt waking up over the last few days. Maybe that is partly because I don't have to work anywhere today. I'm certainly not feeling any better because of rest! Laura commented to me this morning that I "sure do have a remarkable resistance to sleep; to be able to not sleep despite sickness, exhaustion and neo-citran!" To which I replied, "Yeah, no kidding. Hence the premise of the one-woman show" (For those of you who don't know, I wrote, produced and performed my own one-woman show in 2006, the premise of which was a young woman trying to fall asleep... but it also dealt with some more interesting topics too!)

Okay, so I've been sick. And sleepless. But happy... Mostly.

Part of my happiness has to do with the fact that I have started teaching again!!! Would you believe it? I mean, some of you must be thinking... But she just quit the bookstore last week??? And I thought she had to stay until the end of the month??? Well, yes, you are right. I do have to fulfill my commitment to the bookstore until the end of the month, but I have negotiated some reduced hours, in order to accomodate my new teaching jobs.

You see, just a day before I had planned to give my notice to the bookstore (in order to make space in my life to pursue the things in life that truly inspire me and make me happy - and make me more money too!), I got an email from a company that I used to teach lunchtime and afterschool drama classes for asking me if I wanted to come back and teach some classes this term. Apparently they were really in need of teachers and would be so happy to have me back, they'd take me even if I had limited availability! So, I took on teaching three afterschool drama classes (Monday, Tuesday & Wednesday) and reduced my hours at the bookstore accordingly. I'm still leaving the bookstore though, because I know there are still bigger and better things out there for me!

I've also agreed to volunteer, with my friend Mark, to meet once a week with the teenagers that we worked with a few years ago (we helped them to create a memorial presentation about their friend Drew who was murdered in 2004, and then also a play about violence). I don't think that this time we will do theatre work with them, but rather I think we will meet once a week to hang out, eat, talk about our lives, how we are doing, and maybe start to think about personal goals and values. Mark is doing his Masters in Adult Education so he's a really great resource for these types of activities. And we've both been through so much with these "teenagers" (who are getting older!) that we just really felt like being a part of their lives again... for good times, and to see if we can't do something productive together again!

Oh, did I mention that we had our first meeting with this new "teen group" on Tuesday (after I taught my afterschool kids class)... in the middle of yet another snowstorm!?! Yes. Miraculously, 8 people showed up. And seemed interested in continuing to meet. Yay!!!

Ok, so anyhow, that's been my week so far. I've also had to put in some extra hours at the bookstore (because my boss is away, again) so you can probably understand why I'm underslept, overtired and sick!

But today is Valentines Day. And I decided to start the day off by writing a love letter to myself! Cheesy? Perhaps. But useful in bolstering one's sense of self and self-love? Absolutely! So I have no shame.

So far, it's been a lovely Valentines Day morning, just hangin' out with me, myself & I, and also my dear roomies Laura & Henry. I plan to just relax, take care of my still-sick self and take the day as it comes...

WITH LOVE!

X's & O's