The Best Kind of Tears

This is the second day in a row now that I've spent the morning lounging around in my pyjamas, leasurely eating my breakfast and drinking my tea, followed by an easy 'trek' up the stairs to my room where I nonchalantly find myself settling in to some random task... sorting through my files or voyaging around the facebook (ummm, yes, I have files, I love filing things from my life into sometimes sensical and sometimes not so sensical order!) And then - for two days in a row now - I suddennly end up in tears. The good kind though.

I find myself seriously weeping - in gratitude and awe for the beauty of my life and the people in it!

And maybe I am also weeping for all the hurt that I have felt in my not-so-long life thus far. Perhaps part of this weeping is a mourning for those times when the beauty of this world was not as apparent to me as it is now, it was hard to find. Perhaps part of this weeping is a frustration about the fact that the beauty and love and light that I see and feel all around me right now, will not always be so easy to see... A resentment for the fact that 'the good times' are pretty much inherently defined by the existence of the not-so-good...

But mostly, I think I am weeping the very best kind of tears - the happy kind.

Yesterday they were brought on while I was filing some old resume/job/school application stuff and came across some old letters of reference... As I reread what my former employers had to say about me - from the camps that I used to teach at as a teenager, the community centre I pretty much ran when I first moved to Toronto, and even from my high school friends' parents when I needed to apply for scholarships and financial assistance in order to continue attending university! - I couldn't help but swell with intense gratitude, both for the kind words and recognition of these people whom I respect and admire so much, and also for those magical, challenging and life-changing experiences themselves! So then I cried a little.

And today, I was actually creeping around on the facebook, looking at the profile belonging to my roomate Laura's best friend (who lives in Vancouver and I've actually never met, but we're facebook friends - go figure! Whatevs.) So, even though I don't really actually know this woman personally, I just feel so connected to her, and I have this deep sense that we are sort of 'kindred spirits'... Maybe I feel that way so strongly because reading her fb profile today made me weep... Made me weep in awe of the beauty of the world and the fact that there are people out there who declare things in their "About Me" section on fb like:

"I love it when my boy wraps his arms around my neck...I've been waiting for that moment my whole life. I own a restaurant where the loveliest people work. I live in Vancouver and miss the east all the time because that is where my peeps are. I am so over crack addiction. I love revelations...learning how to live, laugh and cope. lately the world seems hard...but by now I know that it always gets better...long live hot days, tanned shoulders and the ocean. peace...is it too much to ask?"

And here I am, weeping again! And realising that you're probably not, and that's why this woman is probably a 'kindred spirit' of mine, because her very simple words and thoughts can make me weep and that is our connection. And it's a good thing. And I like it.

And for now, I think that's all I have to say.

Laura and Henry are away this week, skiing with Laura's parents. I miss them. So I decided to use the built in camera function on my MacBook and take this picture today:

EASTER KISSES FOR HENRY!

XOXO,
From "Mmmmm...bdgaiufha"

or however you say it Hen ;)

Update from The Junction

Yesterday I walked in the front door, home from teaching my Wednesday afterschool drama class that I enjoy so much, and found my two roomates, Laura & Henry, hangin' out on this red cushion here:
We chatted for a bit as I stood in the doorway taking off my boots, but they just looked so darn cute flopped there over that square red cushion that I had to whip out my camera and take a picture.

Soooooo, things are going well here as we approach the end of my first month of living in The Junction with Laura, Louis & Henry. Teaching my afterschool drama classes three days a week is also keeping me happy and stimulated. Unfortunately, earlier this month I endured a small fiasco with my former boss (the owner of The Bookstore) because she kinda lost it when I gave her my notice (three and a half weeks notice, by the way)! So I ended up terminating my employment immediately. Which certainly hasn't done wonders for my bank account, but it's given me lots of time to spend bonding with my new roomies, looking for exciting new work, volunteering with the teenagers that I used to work with and helping my friend Anthony with his one-man show, Art's Heart. Oh yeah, and unpacking. Little by little...

I woke up strangely early this morning, gripped with the sudden motivation to unpack and organise my boxes of books... Maybe this had something to do with the fact that Robin is coming in to town today, so that we can go see her cousin's band (AMOS THE TRANSPARENT) tonight at The Drake (yes, ugh, I know) and then she is staying over... Or maybe I've just reached the breaking point of staring at unpacked boxes...

In any case, books are finally unpacked and arranged on my new Ikea bookshelf (that I painstakingly assembled by myself last week!), and some are neatly re-packed and stored away in boxes in the basement, for the future... And my bedroom is one step closer to feeling settled into... My desk still needs to be organised, a couple shelves still need to be mounted on the wall, and then one day... I will even decorate and put my photos and posters up again...

One day...

Things That Break My Heart:

1. Goodbyes
2. Fires that destroy things
3. When death takes our loved ones
4. Lack of communication (also, Miscommunications)
5. War, and its impacts
6. When bad things happen to good people

----------------------------------------------------

Unless you live in a cave, or maybe a country other than Canada, you heard about the massive 6 alarm fire that destroyed practically an entire block of Toronto's famous Queen West last week. It was so surreal, and confusing - incomprehensible even - for me to wake up on Wednesday morning and hear on the radio that Queen Street was closed between Bathurst & Augusta because of a huge fire... WHAT?!?

This is the neighbourhood that I just moved from. (I lived maybe ten blocks or so west from where this fire began) These buildings had been a part of my daily landscape for the last two years, and prior to living in this neighbourhood, I spent a lot of time in this area... Because it was, in many ways, the heart of one of Toronto's hippest 'hoods, and very near to a few theatres that I try to frequent.

So on Thursday, on my way to rehearse his one-man show with my friend Anthony, of course I had to stop by, and pay my respects to these buildings... and the lost livelihood of so many...

B R E A K. M Y. H E A R T.

Ugh, my home burning down is one of my worst nightmares! It is one of only two recurring nightmares that I have ever had in my life. (The other is me drowning in a pit of snakes & spiders - thanks so much for that image Indiana Jones!) I can remember sitting in the backseat of our family car with my fingers crossed each time we returned home after being away for more than a few hours, silently praying as we approached our street, "please let the house not be on fire, please let the house not be on fire, please ..." I'm not sure where that fear comes from, but I was afraid of any kind of fire for a very, very long time. Funnily enough, my brother was afraid of water for a very, very long time. Conundrums.

Well, on a slightly more selfishly heart-breaking note (because it's actually a GREAT thing for my BFF, Alison), check out these pics from Saturday night, which was the Goodbye Party for my Best Friend Alison, who left on Sunday to move to Bathurst, New Brunswick to work for the CBC...

Sad Faces.
Toronto won't be the same without her.

I really don't think that I am exagerrating when I say that the last five years of my life in Toronto have been pretty much defined by my friendship with Alison. We lived together, on good ol' Vermont Avenue in The Annex from Sept '04 to Jan '06 - those were the magical, fantastic, super-fun, memorable, and some might even say infamous 'Sex and the Annex' years! (Some of you may remember that, slightly less mature but definitely juicy and exciting, blog of ours!) Winter '06 was tough when Ali spent the semester at journalism school in DENMARK(!), but upon her return in June '06 we resumed the excellentness of our inseperable friendship. We jokingly call each other "Life Partners."

So yeah, it's tough that she's moving away. I'm so, so, so, so, sooooooo happy for her though! It has been her dream since before she even went to journalism school (at Ryerson) to work for the CBC, and there was never a doubt in my mind that she could do it. So, those of you who are CBC radio listeners, keep an ear out on the national news reports for "Alison Northcott reporting for CBC News, Bathurst."

Well, since this post has been mostly such a downer, here's pic for y'all that should break your heart in the good way, with it's adorableness:

My roomies: Henry & SnoBear, dancing in my room last weekend.
Awwwwwww!

Happy Valentines Day to Me!

Well, I'm sick. But actually, today I seem to be feeling a little better than I felt waking up over the last few days. Maybe that is partly because I don't have to work anywhere today. I'm certainly not feeling any better because of rest! Laura commented to me this morning that I "sure do have a remarkable resistance to sleep; to be able to not sleep despite sickness, exhaustion and neo-citran!" To which I replied, "Yeah, no kidding. Hence the premise of the one-woman show" (For those of you who don't know, I wrote, produced and performed my own one-woman show in 2006, the premise of which was a young woman trying to fall asleep... but it also dealt with some more interesting topics too!)

Okay, so I've been sick. And sleepless. But happy... Mostly.

Part of my happiness has to do with the fact that I have started teaching again!!! Would you believe it? I mean, some of you must be thinking... But she just quit the bookstore last week??? And I thought she had to stay until the end of the month??? Well, yes, you are right. I do have to fulfill my commitment to the bookstore until the end of the month, but I have negotiated some reduced hours, in order to accomodate my new teaching jobs.

You see, just a day before I had planned to give my notice to the bookstore (in order to make space in my life to pursue the things in life that truly inspire me and make me happy - and make me more money too!), I got an email from a company that I used to teach lunchtime and afterschool drama classes for asking me if I wanted to come back and teach some classes this term. Apparently they were really in need of teachers and would be so happy to have me back, they'd take me even if I had limited availability! So, I took on teaching three afterschool drama classes (Monday, Tuesday & Wednesday) and reduced my hours at the bookstore accordingly. I'm still leaving the bookstore though, because I know there are still bigger and better things out there for me!

I've also agreed to volunteer, with my friend Mark, to meet once a week with the teenagers that we worked with a few years ago (we helped them to create a memorial presentation about their friend Drew who was murdered in 2004, and then also a play about violence). I don't think that this time we will do theatre work with them, but rather I think we will meet once a week to hang out, eat, talk about our lives, how we are doing, and maybe start to think about personal goals and values. Mark is doing his Masters in Adult Education so he's a really great resource for these types of activities. And we've both been through so much with these "teenagers" (who are getting older!) that we just really felt like being a part of their lives again... for good times, and to see if we can't do something productive together again!

Oh, did I mention that we had our first meeting with this new "teen group" on Tuesday (after I taught my afterschool kids class)... in the middle of yet another snowstorm!?! Yes. Miraculously, 8 people showed up. And seemed interested in continuing to meet. Yay!!!

Ok, so anyhow, that's been my week so far. I've also had to put in some extra hours at the bookstore (because my boss is away, again) so you can probably understand why I'm underslept, overtired and sick!

But today is Valentines Day. And I decided to start the day off by writing a love letter to myself! Cheesy? Perhaps. But useful in bolstering one's sense of self and self-love? Absolutely! So I have no shame.

So far, it's been a lovely Valentines Day morning, just hangin' out with me, myself & I, and also my dear roomies Laura & Henry. I plan to just relax, take care of my still-sick self and take the day as it comes...

WITH LOVE!

X's & O's