"I DON' WANNA!"

Sometimes I think that Bronchitis is what happens when you deny the presence of a cold for too long; Karma bites you in the ass and suddennly you're too sick to even enjoy the lounging that is now required of you. One day I will learn the value of self-care, one day...

At least I listened to my friend Mark this afternoon, the first time he told me that I should go see a doctor. Albeit this was after several days of holding in and denying the total exhaustion and weakness that I've been feeling. I knew I was sick, but for some reason I just have this knee-jerk "I'm fine/Don't worry about me" reaction whenever I could actually really use someone to take care of me... In any case, I happen to be in Oakville with my, uh, 'almost-parents' so at least I'm being taken care of. Now that I've finally admitted how awful I feel.

This afternoon, as Holly and I sat in the waiting room of the local walk-in medical clinic, we watched as a mother struggled with her clearly unhappy 3 year old daughter. I'm not sure exactly what was wrong with the little girl, but it can be assumed (since we were sitting in a medical waiting room, and based on some of her mother's comments) that the little girl was sick. And sickness is typically uncomfortable. Hence her whining, and wailing, and occassional flailing. "I don' wanna see the doctor" she said calmly when her mother threatened her weakly with "I'm going to have to take you out of here and then you won't be able to see the doctor, and we won't be able to make you feel better..." Nice try mom. I could practically see the little girl lighting up at the thought of getting out of this stuffy and unpleasant waiting room. I wasn't exactly having a grand time myself.

As I watched this little girl, only slightly annoyed by the disruptive nature of her vocal displeasure, I mostly longed for that freedom of emotional expression that comes with being a child. Sometimes I long to be able to throw myself down on the floor and give voice to all my fear, anxiety, frustration and sadness with a hearty wail of "I DON' WANNA!"

And as my departure for St Louis (where I will be spending this summer, performing in a kids show) grows nearer, and my typical pre-departure travel anxiety begins to quietly set in, I find myself longing for an outlet to even gently whisper "I don' wanna leave my friends for the summer..." especially when so many of them won't be here when I get back in September, thanks to grad school and other wonderful life-moving-forward kind of opportunities.

Oh yes, there's lots I could whine about right now. But I think for the most part it's just the fever and the tightness in my chest trying be heard... So hopefully with this blog post, I've gotten a little bit of that out of my system. Next up: the mucus in my chest (Oh, SORRY! Was that too much information?)