Some days are longer than others...

It is about 4:30pm on a rainy Monday afternoon in Vancouver. I am feeling about as gray as the day is out there. I've been trying really hard over the last few days to manifest my own positive reality here, and focus on the things that are lovely about Vancouver, but I am getting frustrated with myself for not always being able to do that! Maybe I am being too hard on myself. The last few days have certainly been long and intense, and it's understandable that I might be feeling a little run down and weak, right? Alright, so in the spirit of letting go and moving forward, I shall proceed to purge myself here, of the thoughts and feelings that are keeping me exhausted...

First off, I think I may simply be suffering from a lack of personal space. I am here with my (new) friend Tracey, whom I am actually here working for as her production/stage manager. Now, as lovely as Tracey is, I have to admit that we have been spending a lot more time together than I initially imagined we would, and it often feels like work... Well, because it is work. And hey, that's why I'm here, right? So, of course I'm thankful! The thing is, is that when Tracey and I part ways after long, intense days, I end up at "home", at my dad's place. And again, I love my dad - I think he is one of the nicest, most laid-back and helpful people I know - and his wife too, but being so used to living by myself, I think I may simply just be craving some personal space, ya know? I also have a nephew now, my step-sister's almost three-year old son. Jacob, who is totally adorable, spends at least one night a week at "Grandma & Grandpa's" (aka Here) and three-year old energy is a lot to keep up with as well! Yesterday afternoon, before I went to meet Tracey at the theatre before our very first performance (sold out, btw - woo hoo!), I stole away for just an hour and sat by myself for the first time since I arrived here last wednesday, and savoured my own thoughts. As Tracey put it, it was as thoguh I needed to re-fill my own aura with ME again... I think my aura tank is still running low...

So my work here. It's great. Really and truly. Saturday was a tough day because we spent an intense 5 hour-long Tech Rehearsal with what I can only describe diplomatically as a stage manager who did not meet our hopes and expectations... You see, the Chutzpah Festival has their own stage manager. So although I know the show best, and will be the stage manager when Tracey and I go to New York next month, for the Vancouver shows, it is someone else calling the show, and thus, running the Tech Rehearsal. For those of you who don't know theatre that well, that pretty much means that the festival stage manager is the one who watches the show from the tech booth and calls the lighting and sound cues. She also has other responsibilities, but I have taken it upon myself to alleviate her of as many responsibilities as possible. So Saturday was a tough day, and though Tracey and I walked out of there trying to be really positive, it was difficult. And I had to try really hard in my head not to be super judgemental and think things like "Is the vibe here in Vancouver just too laid back? Is that why she seems so inefficient?" followed by self-chastising thoughts like "No judgements Meghan, c'mon now! Manifest your own positive reality here!". It gets exhausting to fight with yourself like that.

Saturday didn't get much easier because I had to run straight from our Tech Rehearsal to a "Celebration of Life" for my friend Emily, who died in a fire in Chile two weeks ago. I am thankful that fate had me here for work anyhow, and that I was even able to attend this lovely gathering in her memory, and I was able to bring with me a book full of photos and messages compiled by some of our other friends in Toronto. Yes, for that opportunity I am indeed very thankful.

Yesterday, Sunday, was a bright and lovely sunny day that Tracey and I took advantage of by having a morning meeting/rehearsal, followed by brunch at Vancouver's oldest health food restaurant, The Naam, and a drive along the water. I am thankful also, soooo thankful really, to be in such close proximity to the ocean these days. Last night was also our opening night show, which was sold out and thankfully, nearly flawless. Though Ms. Vancouver Stage Manager hasn't exactly won me over with her sparkling personality just yet, she at least managed to call almost all of the technical cues perfectly last night. And Tracey shone onstage, of course. She is really quite a talented performer (and writer!). I am privileged to be spending so much time with her, and to have this exceptional learning opportunity!

Naturally we had to go out for at least one drink last night to celebrate opening night, and a few of Tracey's friends were around so we all agreed to meet at a bar downtown called Subeez. Unfortunately, Tracey was travelling in another friend's car, which left me on my own in my dad's Izuzu Trooper that I've been driving while I'm here (incidentally, the car I learned to drive on!), and I was given slightly poor directions. But that's okay, I made it to the bar, finally and had a really great time. I was home and in bed by midnite, which was good because I was up this morning at 5am!

Tracey and I had to be back at the theatre this morning at 7am (and I had to pick Tracey up at her hotel beforehand) because she had appearances on two of the local morning television shows! It was very fun and interesting, followed by yet another lunch out (I feel like I am eating constantly here!) and finally, I was able to return "home" for a much needed, mid-day nap. Followed by a chat with my dad's wife Ann, who is certainly sweet and friendly, but sure does love to chat! Now, I am hiding out upstairs in the gray-walled office, looking out the window at a the gray, rainy sky. Still feeling a little worse for the wear, but determined to move on...

So there you have it! My main gripes are:
Long, busy and intense days that have so far not left me with much time for my own mental/emotional space, let alone time to attend to some of the tasks that I want/need to do - like following up on my applications for school next year (I'm thinking about going back to theatre school and/or getting my teaching degree, FYI), or looking into work visas and travel plans for my upcoming summer job in France!

But my gratitude exceeds my gripes by far, I swear! I am thankful:
- that I got to fly home to Vancouver for free as a result of this job with Tracey
- that I am getting to spend so much time with, and learn from, someone as talented and lovely as Tracey Erin Smith
- that I happened to be here for, and was able to attend the celebration of my friend Emily's life
- that I am alive and healthy, and as of Wednesday, will have a lot more free time
- that I have been reminded, since being here, that I have some really wonderful friends, and a really wonderful life, back home in Toronto, that I am looking forward to returning to

Alright, I'm being called for dinner... gotta run now.

NAMASTE