It's My Day Off and I'll Be Lazy If I Want To

As I was walking to work on Monday, I felt good. (Actually, I usually feel good on my walks to work. Maybe that is something worth noticing...?) The weather was really grey and misty and on the verge of rainy - totally the kind of weather that most people grumble about. But to me, it was familiar, and comforting. I distinctly remember thinking to myself: "This is the kind of November that I am used to" (Or rather, that I grew up with in Vancouver)

Now, I know it's not particularly normal to long for grey and rainy days, but that is what I have always missed about Vancouver.

I enjoyed my misty walk to work on Monday (even though my hair was a bit of a disaster by the time I got to work!) and took these pictures as I walked through the park that I am so lucky to live so near to:









I think it's another grey-ish day out there, but no rain. I think it's really the water that I like. Not the color grey.

I have the whole day off today. My first day off after working five days straight at the new bookstore job. I realise that five days may not seem like a lot of days to work in a row to some (and probably even to me, at another point in my life!) but compared to the pace of life that I've been living, and how I've been feeling, it's a lot. And newness can be exhausting too.

So anyhow, I have today off and there are really so many things I should be doing... But I just feel tired. And somewhat unmotivated. My house is a mess, but I certainly don't feel like cleaning it! I am doing laundry though - hooray for small victories, right???

I'm trying so hard to "simply" live in the moments, "be here now", and not get wrapped up in regret or worry, but that's damn hard! All I can think about right now is the fact that I made a goal for myself to move to New York City by January 2008 and it doesn't look at all like that is going to happen. And if I'm honest with myself, it's probably not the right thing right now anyways.

Ugh, enough of this grumpster-ness. I am going to go make myself some lunch (<--Hooray! Another small victory, not eating out!) and curl up with a book. It's my day off, I can do what I want!

Where The Journey Takes Us...

We're back in Toronto. Sarah and I drove "home" from Burlington, Vermont yesterday, and in less than an hour I will wake the princess one last time so that she can shower and dress and prepare to get on a plane to take her to her home in Vancouver later this morning. When we called Robin last night to let her know that we had arrived safe and sound in Toronto, she confessed that after we left yesterday she cried a little. And I think I know exactly what she was feeling. Something will definitely feel empty when Sarah leaves. And this trip will be over.

It was a GREAT trip though! We wandered the adorably quaint streets of "downtown Burlington" (well, Robin and I wandered alongside Sarah, who shopped, of course); We went out for an amazingly fresh sushi dinner with Robin's fella Ethan (I'm a big fan of this guy!) followed by "Thursday Night Trivia" at some bar that Robin and Ethan go to every Thursday night with their friends; I went to school with Robin and met one of her students that reminds her of "high-school Meghan" (while Sarah shopped some more); We went to the fantastic store "Cheese Traders" and came home and made fondue and drank red wine and piled on to Robin's bed and had a girls night in and watched the movie "Stick It!"; We hid easter eggs for each other and had an easter egg hunt; We went and got pedicures (my first time!); We cooked a delicious "easter dinner" and had Robin's friend Erin over before we went out on Saturday night to "Retronome" for 80's dance night!!! In short, it was a blast. Sarah will email me pictures soon, I'm sure and then I will share.

So yeah, it's a wierd, wistfull feeling that I'm feeling now... I keep marvelling at the journey that life has taken me on over the past few months, and how I never would have imagined that I would (or that I COULD) be where I am right now... Which is very happy to be home in my Toronto apartment, preparing to make a decision about whether I can go away and work in Europe this summmer or not (and leaning towards not) while thinking about my plans to move to New York City in the Fall or Winter. And best of all, just totally grounded in my own feeling of "no matter what happens it's going to be okay-ness"!

So far, my journey in 2007 has taken me down to the deepest, darkest depths of my memories and feelings, and then back up towards the light again... My work has taken me on a trip to visit my past, my "hometown" of Vancouver, where I visited the life I left behind and struggled with the realisation that I have truly moved onward... Then my journey took me to New York City, where I glimpsed my future, and met my "best self" (I think)... I then travelled east, to Halifax, a place that I have visited frequently over the past 5 years, and often in times of tribulation and transition. In Halifax I visited with some of my best friends from my university years, and was reminded of who I was, who I am and who I have always been. And then finally, this road-trip to be re-united with the two women without whom I'm not sure I would exist at all... Words cannot describe how special it was to spend time in the year 2007 with my two best friends from high school, Robin and Sarah, and though so much has changed... in most ways, our friendship hasn't changed at all.

And between it all, there has been Toronto. The life here that I have made for myself. The people I love dearly. The friends I love to care for, and those whom I let take care of me. The friends I love to party with, laugh with, chat with, drive with, dance with, drink with, talk with, cry with... My beautiful apartment, and the lovely backyard that is waiting for spring to finally arrive so that it can flourish into the beautiful garden that it is. It's nice to be home.

And who knows where the journey will take me next?

For now, it's going to take me downstairs to wake Sarah and then out the door and down the street to Starbucks to fetch her some coffee. 'Cause I know she needs it in the morning and I don't have a coffee maker. But most of all, because when you love someone, and they've been your best friend for this long... you want to do things like this. Because you can.

PS - Sarah and I randomly rented the movie "You, Me + Dupree" last night and laughed our asses off. It was surprisingly funny, and joyful, and I looooooove that Owen Wilson. Hotness, Adorableness & Humor-ness = Owen-ness. Watch the movie. You'll get the joke.

More Rain Before I Leave

Oh yes, it's raining. Again. But you know, I've actually always liked the rain. (Oh my goodness, I just had a sudden flashback memory of saying that to my friend Kathy on Canada Day last year, as we walked down the street to the park, just hours before we got struck by lightning - yes, it actually happened! But anyhow, there's no thunder and lighting here right now. Yikes, famous last words!) But yes, I like the rain. I like getting wet too - I don't believe in umbrellas, never really have. I also like the fresh smell of rain. I like the medium-ness of the temperature that rain is typically a symptom of... I remarked to my friend Sarah today that Vancouver is the land of the perpetually "inadequately dressed" - niether of us were wearing coats this morning!

So it's raining again, and I'm starting to feel wistful because I have just one more day in this city, before I get on yet another plane at an ungodly hour of the morning, and return home to Toronto (for just 5 short days before I head to New York City!). I'm wistful because, of course, I feel slightly regretful that I didn't see more of certain people, that I didn't get in touch with some of my friends sooner, that I've been away for over 2 years and I'm slightly worried that I will let that much time pass again before I come back. But I won't. Or at least I'll sure try not to let that much time pass before I'm back here again. I have an almost 3 year-old ("step") nephew now, and it was such a pleasure to spend time with him. We got along swimmingly. And I think he needs a little bit more of my slightly stern, yet still fun(!) self around because it seems like practically everyone else spoils him rotten! But he's great. Hilarious. As I said goodbye to him this afternoon, I jokingly told him I would see him when he's six. But that's not really funny. These early years fly by, and I don't really want to just be an image in a photograph and a vague memory...

Hmmm, so I'm feeling thankful for lots of things that I did manage to do on this trip, things I set out to do... In addition to doing the job that brought me here (and doing it pretty well, I think - Tracey and I got a lovely email from the Artistic Director of the Chutzpah Festival telling us that we were a pleasure to work with and that we will always get rave reviews from them!)... I spent time with my family, I visited the gravesite of my grandparents and my mother, I did some personal research that I needed to do here, I saw some good old friends (Roselle, Sarah, Graham), I was able to attend the celebration of my friend Emily's life...

They say, or maybe it's just me that says this, but I do believe that the things you regret the most are the things you never do. So I guess I am most thankful that I am here, and I am alive, and I am doing the things that I want to do. I'm still feeling slightly wistful that I have just one more day here, but I'm also reeeeally looking forward to getting home to Toronto and having some time in the place where I feel most at home, the place where I have built my life...

See you soon T.O!

Food, Glorious Food

For all the griping I've been doing lately about Vancouver (and trust me, I've been doing a lot more than I've posted here for all to read!), I must say that tonight I was reminded of one very, very, very special thing about Vancouver that might just make all the rest of it worth it - the FOOD!

It wasn't that I hadn't had the pleasure so far on this trip of savouring some of the totally fresh, often quite healthy, and amazingly flavourful food that Vancouver has to offer... But tonight, after watching yet another Chutzpah Festival show (Betsey Salkind's "Anne Frank Superstar" - pretty funny, but not flawless), I went out for drink and a bite to eat with my dear, lovely and longtime friend Roselle, and had a "culinary experience" worth writing about! Now, we almost ended up at yet another typical Vancouver hippy-staffed vegetarian restaurant (and if those of you from Toronto are picturing anything at all like "FRESH", you're picturing something way too polished and sleek), though I'm sure it would have been quite tasty, however flaky. But as we waited forever to be seated by the slower than molasses servers, and compared our own tales of liking Toronto and Montreal way more than we like Vancouver, Roselle suddenly remembered a new place up the street that might be a little bit more "buzzing", as she put it. So we walked a block and a half to "HABIT".

Now, even though the place was pretty much empty by 11pm (hey, we are still in Vancouver, and it's a Thursday, not yet the weekend after all!) HABIT definitely had more of an awake, city vibe going on. And oh my lord, The Food. The glorious food was soooooo good! I had almost forgotten what it was like to eat fresher than fresh fish, when you're in a coastal city! Roselle and I split a crisp and fresh beet salad, as well as the freshest, most succulent sesame encrusted albacore tuna... ever! And to top it off, this place declares on their menu that they get their fish from sustainable fisheries and their meat from humane farms - something that really means a lot to me, as I am struggling to find ways to live more sustainably in these somewhat terrifying times.

So yes, the options for healthy, tasty food in Vancouver are quite abundant. As I drove home this evening I found myself reminiscing over my lunch of fresh salmon salad roll with lemon & spinach cous-cous that I had the other day at Granville Island (picture the St. Lawrence Market, only way bigger, fresher, juicier, healthier... better), and my late lunch/early dinner today with my brother at the Havana Cafe, where I had the freshest (ooh, there's that succulent word again!) portebello mushroom wrap - oh my. Mmmm, and tomorrow my parents are taking me out to one of our favorite Indian restaurants, the Samosa Garden... And now all I can think about is making sure I go for sushi sometime before I fly home on Monday morning...

Yes my dears, if you're ever looking for a vacation with moderate weather (the rain is sort of a perpetual threat) and fabulous food - come to Vancouver. The view of the mountains and the proximity of the ocean are an added bonus.

Mouth wateringly yours,
Triple M.

Today's Plan of Attack

Well, since I last wrote on this here 'blog, things have continued to be busy, but not necessarily so gray... Some highlights include a FANTASTIC closing night show of The Burning Bush on Tuesday night - even I was laughing, and I've seen the show like, a million times! Followed by a really nice night out to a cozy, candlelit mediterranean-style bar, with the entire cast & crew of this interesting multi-media show from Israel called "Romeo's Seance". So, Tracey and I went to see "Romeo's Seance" last night, and it was indeed quite a spectacular presentation featuring one singer/dancer/actor, supported by a string quartet and about 3 video screens, not including the two that form the "cello-vision" (pretty much a play-able cello, with a body made of video screens, as opposed to wood!)... Oh my. It was beautiful, and moving, and funny, and bizarre, and dark, and bright, and lovely, and impressive!

But today's "plan of attack" - and I know, that term is so militaristic, but there is definitely something about today that feels as though it will be attacking something... if not myself, perhaps some difficult thoughts/feelings? Anyhow, I digress. So, today's plan is to go to the cemetary where my mother and grandparents are buried. I have not been there since my mother was buried 6 years ago. No one is making me do this, but it is something that I felt really strongly before I came here that I should do... I'm not sure what I'm hoping to get out of this experience, but maybe that's for the best. Have you ever noticed that when you have expectations, the experience is often disapointing in some way, but if you have no expectations, you're often pleasantly surprised? Yeah, well... So anyways, I guess this is what I am going to do with my day... Followed (hopefully) by dinner with my brother, then seeing another Chutzpah Festival show with Tracey and my friend Roselle, and then... my god, probably just collapsing into bed!

So, the theory that I am operating on these days is that eventually, you must face that which makes you want to turn and run in the opposite direction. Having recently realised that I have been, in a sense, "running in the opposite direction" of certain things for a number of years, I am attempting to face these things head-on. These "things" are namely, grief and anger. About some fairly specific events in my life, that pretty much anyone would agree I am justified in feeling angry and sad about. So, I guess those may be my expectations for today... Experiencing some sadness and anger? But then again, I may not feel those things at all today as I stand at the graves of my grandparents and my mother. In which case, maybe I will just hang out for a few moments and enjoy the opportunity to pretend as though they can hear me somewhere, wherever they are. And I will tell them about the play I wrote and performed this past summer, and how this summer I will be working in the south of France, and how I'm still very much single, but that's probably a good thing because I've got a lot of me to figure out before I am forced to negotiate my place as part of a pair, and how I live in a really great apartment, with a really great friend/neighbour/landlord, and a beautiful backyard and.... well, maybe I should save all this for later, and just see what comes up.

For now, I wait in a muted state of anticipation, for my dad's wife to return home from grocery shopping so that I can use the car to drive to the cemetary. No one (besides you, my savvy blog readers) knows of my plans for today. They are mine, just like the day.

Some days are longer than others...

It is about 4:30pm on a rainy Monday afternoon in Vancouver. I am feeling about as gray as the day is out there. I've been trying really hard over the last few days to manifest my own positive reality here, and focus on the things that are lovely about Vancouver, but I am getting frustrated with myself for not always being able to do that! Maybe I am being too hard on myself. The last few days have certainly been long and intense, and it's understandable that I might be feeling a little run down and weak, right? Alright, so in the spirit of letting go and moving forward, I shall proceed to purge myself here, of the thoughts and feelings that are keeping me exhausted...

First off, I think I may simply be suffering from a lack of personal space. I am here with my (new) friend Tracey, whom I am actually here working for as her production/stage manager. Now, as lovely as Tracey is, I have to admit that we have been spending a lot more time together than I initially imagined we would, and it often feels like work... Well, because it is work. And hey, that's why I'm here, right? So, of course I'm thankful! The thing is, is that when Tracey and I part ways after long, intense days, I end up at "home", at my dad's place. And again, I love my dad - I think he is one of the nicest, most laid-back and helpful people I know - and his wife too, but being so used to living by myself, I think I may simply just be craving some personal space, ya know? I also have a nephew now, my step-sister's almost three-year old son. Jacob, who is totally adorable, spends at least one night a week at "Grandma & Grandpa's" (aka Here) and three-year old energy is a lot to keep up with as well! Yesterday afternoon, before I went to meet Tracey at the theatre before our very first performance (sold out, btw - woo hoo!), I stole away for just an hour and sat by myself for the first time since I arrived here last wednesday, and savoured my own thoughts. As Tracey put it, it was as thoguh I needed to re-fill my own aura with ME again... I think my aura tank is still running low...

So my work here. It's great. Really and truly. Saturday was a tough day because we spent an intense 5 hour-long Tech Rehearsal with what I can only describe diplomatically as a stage manager who did not meet our hopes and expectations... You see, the Chutzpah Festival has their own stage manager. So although I know the show best, and will be the stage manager when Tracey and I go to New York next month, for the Vancouver shows, it is someone else calling the show, and thus, running the Tech Rehearsal. For those of you who don't know theatre that well, that pretty much means that the festival stage manager is the one who watches the show from the tech booth and calls the lighting and sound cues. She also has other responsibilities, but I have taken it upon myself to alleviate her of as many responsibilities as possible. So Saturday was a tough day, and though Tracey and I walked out of there trying to be really positive, it was difficult. And I had to try really hard in my head not to be super judgemental and think things like "Is the vibe here in Vancouver just too laid back? Is that why she seems so inefficient?" followed by self-chastising thoughts like "No judgements Meghan, c'mon now! Manifest your own positive reality here!". It gets exhausting to fight with yourself like that.

Saturday didn't get much easier because I had to run straight from our Tech Rehearsal to a "Celebration of Life" for my friend Emily, who died in a fire in Chile two weeks ago. I am thankful that fate had me here for work anyhow, and that I was even able to attend this lovely gathering in her memory, and I was able to bring with me a book full of photos and messages compiled by some of our other friends in Toronto. Yes, for that opportunity I am indeed very thankful.

Yesterday, Sunday, was a bright and lovely sunny day that Tracey and I took advantage of by having a morning meeting/rehearsal, followed by brunch at Vancouver's oldest health food restaurant, The Naam, and a drive along the water. I am thankful also, soooo thankful really, to be in such close proximity to the ocean these days. Last night was also our opening night show, which was sold out and thankfully, nearly flawless. Though Ms. Vancouver Stage Manager hasn't exactly won me over with her sparkling personality just yet, she at least managed to call almost all of the technical cues perfectly last night. And Tracey shone onstage, of course. She is really quite a talented performer (and writer!). I am privileged to be spending so much time with her, and to have this exceptional learning opportunity!

Naturally we had to go out for at least one drink last night to celebrate opening night, and a few of Tracey's friends were around so we all agreed to meet at a bar downtown called Subeez. Unfortunately, Tracey was travelling in another friend's car, which left me on my own in my dad's Izuzu Trooper that I've been driving while I'm here (incidentally, the car I learned to drive on!), and I was given slightly poor directions. But that's okay, I made it to the bar, finally and had a really great time. I was home and in bed by midnite, which was good because I was up this morning at 5am!

Tracey and I had to be back at the theatre this morning at 7am (and I had to pick Tracey up at her hotel beforehand) because she had appearances on two of the local morning television shows! It was very fun and interesting, followed by yet another lunch out (I feel like I am eating constantly here!) and finally, I was able to return "home" for a much needed, mid-day nap. Followed by a chat with my dad's wife Ann, who is certainly sweet and friendly, but sure does love to chat! Now, I am hiding out upstairs in the gray-walled office, looking out the window at a the gray, rainy sky. Still feeling a little worse for the wear, but determined to move on...

So there you have it! My main gripes are:
Long, busy and intense days that have so far not left me with much time for my own mental/emotional space, let alone time to attend to some of the tasks that I want/need to do - like following up on my applications for school next year (I'm thinking about going back to theatre school and/or getting my teaching degree, FYI), or looking into work visas and travel plans for my upcoming summer job in France!

But my gratitude exceeds my gripes by far, I swear! I am thankful:
- that I got to fly home to Vancouver for free as a result of this job with Tracey
- that I am getting to spend so much time with, and learn from, someone as talented and lovely as Tracey Erin Smith
- that I happened to be here for, and was able to attend the celebration of my friend Emily's life
- that I am alive and healthy, and as of Wednesday, will have a lot more free time
- that I have been reminded, since being here, that I have some really wonderful friends, and a really wonderful life, back home in Toronto, that I am looking forward to returning to

Alright, I'm being called for dinner... gotta run now.

NAMASTE

(Not so) Fucked Up

So, my First Love was/is a straight-edge hardcore punk rocker. For years a good friend of mine found it really funny to say things like "Meghan works for the Children's Peace Theatre and her ex-boyfriend is in a band called Fucked Up." Admittedly, the polarity is somewhat amusing, but he's really just kind of a loud-mouthed teddy bear. Incidentally, our break-up (which began about 6 years ago now) was an incredibly long and painfully drawn-out ordeal which resulted in us finally not really speaking to one another for a number of years. However, just recently we reconnected and have found that we can be friends! He's happily married now too. Which is not at all surprising to me, and also makes me very happy for him, truly.

So anyhow, right now I am in Vancouver, the city I grew up in but visit somewhat rarely. I actually happen to be here production managing a really great play ("The Burning Bush" written & performed by Tracey Erin Smith, Soul-O Theatre) which will be performed at the Chutzpah Festival here this week (www.chutzpahfestival.com). Strangely enough, Damian, my Ex, is here this weekend as well, on tour with his band 'Fucked Up'. So of course, I had to go to check out his show last night.

After the first few terrifyingly "high energy" songs, both the crowd in the mosh pit, and the tensed muscles in my body, relaxed slightly. And though I remained firmly pressed up against a pillar that allowed me to "safely" watch the show from the centre of the pub, and from just behind the mosh pit, I was able to somewhat enjoy simply watching the craziness that is a hardcore show. Clearly, this is not my bag. But I have to say, it's not like I find it impossible to understand. Sure, it seems a little scary and un-safe to push and thrash and jump around like they do at these shows (or at the good ones atleast), but I must admit that it does not appear necessarily violent or vindictive. In fact, I noticed that everytime someone actually fell to the floor, at least two or three hands were immediately stretched down by the nearest "moshers", to pull this person back to their feet. Now that's community working for ya! And I've enjoyed enough nights out dancing to appreciate the pent up physical energy that gets released by such activity, and as long as I remained firmly pressed up against my pillar, I could enjoy and appreciate the release of energy as it exploded all around me.

Still, I feel that I must have stuck out like a sore thumb, or atleast a slightly sprained pinky finger. As I looked around I felt like I was the only one who wasn't nodding my head rythmically or shouting along with the lyrics. But in reality, I don't really think anyone noticed me at all. It was during the second to last song that a friendly faced, totally sweaty and tatooed dude came up to me and asked if I would hold his beer for a moment. "Sure" I said with an amused smile, and as he handed me his beer to babysit he also handed me his baseball hat. He went and jumped and thrashed around for a bit and then returned to my side. He looked at me (and probably noticed the somewhat strained expression on my face - hey, the last two songs really had the crowd going wild, I was a little scared again) and asked me, "So, what are you doing here?" Finally, the question I had imagined everyone around me to be thinking.

"That's my ex-boyfriend" I replied and pointed to Damian, the, uh, "Lead Vocalist" for the band. After asking me a few more key questions along the lines of "So you're from Toronto?" "Well, originally I'm from here, but yes I do live in Toronto now", "Does he know you're here?" "Yes", "So you're friends?" "Yes", and then some question about another Toronto hardcore band that revealed that I had absolutely no knowledge or interest in this scene, that made him reflect "So you went out with him (pointing onstage to Damian) but you aren't into hardcore at all? Hmm... Well, he actually seems like he's really just a big crazy teddy bear." I smiled, "Something like that." And then Scott, as he introduced himselt to me as, went on to tell me about his hippy girlfriend who rides a ten-speed and isn't really into hardcore either, but that's okay, because sometimes opposites attract, right? And it was an oddly sweet experience to chat with this random punk-rocker who wasn't at all hitting on me, at my ex-love's show, in Vancouver, in February 2007.

After the show I needed to get going pretty quick - I have to work today! - but as Damian walked with me through the bar, to escort me to hail a cab outside, my spirit was warmed by the friendly and generous attitude of absolutely everyone we passed. Several people, whom I learned were complete strangers to Damian, would come up and give him a hug or a high five as though they were old friends and say genuinely gracious, yet casual, things like "Thanks so much for coming out here man." How lovely. I mean, I've been to enough indie-rock shows in Toronto to make note here that I never really saw such a casual warmth like that when I frequented that scene. Whether that says more about Toronto and Vancouver, or the hipster indie-rock scene versus the hardcore punk rock scene, I don't know (though I have a pretty strong feeling it's reflective of the latter). I just know that although I don't plan on attending another punk rock show anytime soon, it's not at all because I think there is something wrong with it. In fact, my 'Fucked Up' night just might go down as one of the least fucked up nights I've ever spent in Vancouver. So, thanks Damian. XXX OOO