Today's Plan of Attack

Well, since I last wrote on this here 'blog, things have continued to be busy, but not necessarily so gray... Some highlights include a FANTASTIC closing night show of The Burning Bush on Tuesday night - even I was laughing, and I've seen the show like, a million times! Followed by a really nice night out to a cozy, candlelit mediterranean-style bar, with the entire cast & crew of this interesting multi-media show from Israel called "Romeo's Seance". So, Tracey and I went to see "Romeo's Seance" last night, and it was indeed quite a spectacular presentation featuring one singer/dancer/actor, supported by a string quartet and about 3 video screens, not including the two that form the "cello-vision" (pretty much a play-able cello, with a body made of video screens, as opposed to wood!)... Oh my. It was beautiful, and moving, and funny, and bizarre, and dark, and bright, and lovely, and impressive!

But today's "plan of attack" - and I know, that term is so militaristic, but there is definitely something about today that feels as though it will be attacking something... if not myself, perhaps some difficult thoughts/feelings? Anyhow, I digress. So, today's plan is to go to the cemetary where my mother and grandparents are buried. I have not been there since my mother was buried 6 years ago. No one is making me do this, but it is something that I felt really strongly before I came here that I should do... I'm not sure what I'm hoping to get out of this experience, but maybe that's for the best. Have you ever noticed that when you have expectations, the experience is often disapointing in some way, but if you have no expectations, you're often pleasantly surprised? Yeah, well... So anyways, I guess this is what I am going to do with my day... Followed (hopefully) by dinner with my brother, then seeing another Chutzpah Festival show with Tracey and my friend Roselle, and then... my god, probably just collapsing into bed!

So, the theory that I am operating on these days is that eventually, you must face that which makes you want to turn and run in the opposite direction. Having recently realised that I have been, in a sense, "running in the opposite direction" of certain things for a number of years, I am attempting to face these things head-on. These "things" are namely, grief and anger. About some fairly specific events in my life, that pretty much anyone would agree I am justified in feeling angry and sad about. So, I guess those may be my expectations for today... Experiencing some sadness and anger? But then again, I may not feel those things at all today as I stand at the graves of my grandparents and my mother. In which case, maybe I will just hang out for a few moments and enjoy the opportunity to pretend as though they can hear me somewhere, wherever they are. And I will tell them about the play I wrote and performed this past summer, and how this summer I will be working in the south of France, and how I'm still very much single, but that's probably a good thing because I've got a lot of me to figure out before I am forced to negotiate my place as part of a pair, and how I live in a really great apartment, with a really great friend/neighbour/landlord, and a beautiful backyard and.... well, maybe I should save all this for later, and just see what comes up.

For now, I wait in a muted state of anticipation, for my dad's wife to return home from grocery shopping so that I can use the car to drive to the cemetary. No one (besides you, my savvy blog readers) knows of my plans for today. They are mine, just like the day.