Grumpster No More (at least for now)

So, the term I kept using to describe myself for much of last week was: "Grumpster". Yep, I felt like a real grumpster a lot of the time. And I think that it might have had a lot to do with the fact that I was without computer. And then that realisation made me even more frustrated (with myself), because I really didn't want to admit that a lack of internet access (and access to all of my work files, etc) could throw me off so seriously. I mean, what does that say about me and how I define my self, and more importantly, my happiness?!?

I guess a big part of my frustration/grumpiness/irritability (as a result of the lack of having a computer) was the fact that I couldn't work... On anything. Without all the files, I couldn't work on the grants that I said I would finish for the Real Food for Real Kids Education Program; Without regular internet access I couldn't follow-up on press, publicity and scheduling emails for Two in the Bush (Tracey's newest show); I couldn't even work on my own stuff - my writing, my work research/applications for NYC, and my blog! ;)

But as legitimately frustrating as all of these things are, I couldn't help but feel even more frustrated by the fact that I was so perturbed by this lack of work in my life. I mean, it's been beautiful (albeit friggin HOT) here lately. And I think I was equally disturbed by my inability to "unplug" and simply just Be for a few days. This addiction to work, and tendency to define myself by what I do is another very old issue for me. Something I've been aware of, and struggling with, for many years now. I guess this past week was simply another one of those annoyingly poignant reminders from the universe... And I think (hope?) that the message was sort of received...

With no work, no Facebook, minimal email access, and no blogging to "distract" me, I did find myself looking at my life, and the world around me, in an ever so slightly different way...

Some beautiful "unplugged" moments from the past week include:

Attending the Children's Peace Theatre's "Give Peace A Chance" fundraiser last Saturday afternoon, and savouring the beautiful, natural, open space of the Peace Theatre grounds in Taylor Creek Park, as well as the company of many beautiful people that I love dearly. I enjoyed a few still, solo moments amidst the crowd of people dressed (yes, sometimes a little bit cheesily) in 70's/hippie themed outfits, and I pretended silently that I was somewhere else, other than Toronto in 2007... Somewhere and some time with less... hustle? Distraction? Stress? It's hard to describe without sounding like I've smoked waaaaay too much dope, so I will simply say it was... Lovely.

The following, warm, Sunday afternoon found me on a spontaneous "swimming/play date" with my 6-year old friend Roxy and her dad (a friend from my old Annex 'hood). After we enjoyed ourselves thoroughly in the cool indoor pool, we emerged from the community centre near my house to find that there was some sort of festival happening in the park. There were rides, games, treats, music - the works! I had an hour or so to spare before I had to run off to work at the restaurant that night, so we bought some ride tickets and rode some swirly thing that looked small enough to feel safe, but reminded my body of the heart-stopping adventure I had at the Ex last summer with my teenage friends - oh my! We watched Roxy go bananas in TWO different inflatable bouncing castle thingies, and finally Roxy dragged me through a house of mirrors maze that ended with me going down a slide - something I have certainly not done in a long time! And again, it was... a very lovely afternoon.

The week found me slipping quickly into a real pit of grumpsterness, but THANK GOODNESS for those friends that know exactly what you need and when... I think it was Tuesday night that my dear friend Mark coaxed me out to have some patio beers with him, even though I definitely did not hold any promise of being anything close to good company! After I listened (as attentively as I could manage in my pathetic, self-involved grumpster state) to his reflections on our upcoming work together co-directing the Peace Theatre's Peace Camp production this summer, and his unpredictable dating life, he looked at me and said "Tell me what's good in Meghan's life right now" And when I was silent for so long (and probably looked like I might cry right then and there) he smiled compassionately and said, "Tell me what Meghan is looking forward to right now"...

I said that I was looking forward to the moment when I feel excited about life again, like I do so often; The time when I exclaim (as I am known to often exclaim) that "I am so excited about the future" or "I love life!"; and I said that I knew that that time must be coming soon, even though I couldn't feel a sliver of those feelings for the life of me, at that particular moment. And internally, I reminded myself to have faith in the cycles of the world, and wait for this dip to re-direct itself into an upswing again. And here I am.

I am excited about the future, and I do love this crazy life of mine, for all of its dips, peaks, connections, and malfunctions. Plugged/Unplugged, I am still here, still living... and loving.

So here I go... "unplugging" again, or rather simply signing off, for atleast another day or so ;)

NAMASTE