But What If I Have Bad Dreams?

Okay, so first of all, I'm much better now. ThankyouAntibiotics. I'm not 100% mind you, which is what made last night (as I type this it is 4:30 in the morning, and I have woken and cannot seem to find my way back to sleep...) so interesting. Although I had plans to hang out with a friend last night, I made a last minute arrangement to help another friend out and babysit her kids. This may seem really generous, but she coerced me with a bottle of wine and even ended up paying me (and my friend and I still got to hang out because he came over for dinner after les enfants went to bed), so hold off on congratulating me too hard now. In any case, I sure did give my lungs a workout in the early part of the evening when I found myself chasing her three year old and her one and a half year old around the playground at the local park!

But that's really neither here nor there at this point. It's 4:35am and I am wide awake, and for the first time in over a week, it's not because I'm coughing.

Maybe it's my good ol' travel anxiety rearing it's annoying head again? I do leave to go rehearse in Montreal for a week on Tuesday, after which I will be back in Toronto for a mere six days and then off again to St Louis. FOR THE ENTIRE SUMMMER. Yep, it's the longest I will be away from anywhere I've called home since I left Vancouver to move to England/Toronto almost ten years ago now. And it's not like all those mini (as in, a few days to a few weeks-long) absences have been easy to do...

Oh, what is it that makes it so hard for me to leave?!?!

(Oh fine, fine, I admit that that's a dumb rhetorical question, probably only there for dramatic effect. I know exactly what it is that makes leaving so hard for me, and there's just not really a need for me to explore that here and now.)

So, before my friend left me with her kids this evening she told me quickly and quietly that typically before her three year old son goes to sleep at night he asks "What if I have bad dreams?" Thank goodness she told me what the correct answer is to that question, because quite frankly, after about 25 years worth of bad dreams and sleeplessness, I certainly still haven't figured out how to deal! Apparently the answer is: "you just roll over and think about all the people that love you." Unfortunately, I think that's precisely what's keeping me awake right now.

"All the people that love me?" Well, there's my super-close, joined-at-the-brain sort of best friend, Devon, who moved back here to Toronto (after a very long absence) so recently that we will be missing our first summer together in years, because this time I will be away. Um, and isn't the summer what we Torontonians put up with this city for the other 9 months of the year for? Uh-huh, sure is. And then there's Thea, whom I would probably count among the reasons that I moved to this city in the first place (post-England.) When I say goodbye to Thea in a few weeks, it will be for much more than just three months; because before I return to Toronto from St Louis in September, Thea will have left for grad school in Texas. And she's not my only best friend who won't be here when I get back in the fall. It's looking like my dear, lovely and talented friend Anthony will have his american work visa sorted out by this summer and will be moving to New York City, liklely in July. Mark's girlfriend Christie meanwhile is leaving in a mere few weeks to move permanently to Peterborough, which means that if she makes it through her three month "probationary phase" and doesn't hate it, she will be staying, and Mark will be joining her. I'm not even sure how to count that loss - it's like an extremely painful two-for-one deal. Nevermind the fact that Alison has already left, to be a CBC reporter in New Brunswick for the year, but I'm not going to fool myself into believing that her work will take her back to Toronto anytime soon after this first contract is up.

No, I must accept that the landscape of my life here in the T-dot is changing drastically, whether I like it or not. So, maybe it's a good thing then for me to be going away myself for a few months...? To begin to explore the definition of my own life independent of the community I've worked so hard to create for myself over the last ten years?

Well, if I have to.

And I do have to. And I can. And I will. And I will survive - most likely I will thrive even. And I will count among my lucky stars the wonderful community of loved ones that I have spread all across the globe. Sounds like a good excuse for some anxiety-free travelling now doesn't it?

Just one last question though:
What do I do if I have bad dreams?

Baby's First Garden!

It was SUCH a beautiful day today here in Toronto! I awoke this morning (after a rare 'good sleep night'), lounged in my sunny bedroom for a while watching a documentary film on my laptop while laying in bed, followed by some invigorating sun salutations (yoga) and pilates. (Sorry, just had to brag about that. Don't worry, Laura already made fun of me and my "perky pants" self this morning for that keen-ness!)

I wasn't sure what I was going to do with myself on this irresistably sunny day. So when Laura invited me to join her on a field trip to the garden center, I though, "sure, why not?" I've never really gardened before. (Save for those days as a child, when I used to play in the dirt while my grandmother tended to her huge vegetable garden!) So I was excited about this new adventure!

And gardening didn't disapoint me. I feel totally satisfied with the dirt under my fingernails and the (perhaps not blatantly visible) progress that we made on the beautification of our front yard today! Do what you will with the photographic evidence:

Our front yard, PRE-gardening.

(I swear, the previous owners of this house must have NEVER raked the leaves... There were layers, upon layers of leaves to deal with before we could even think about gardening. We filled SEVEN giant, oversize-garbage-bag-sized garden waste bags with leaves and mulchy-ness!)

MID-GARDENING MAYHEM:

Featuring: My Ass

And Henry meets his first worm:

"Worm Learning" - Awwwwwww!

Finalement,
The Saturday Afternoon Gardening Adventure concludes...

And quite frankly, I don't care if you're impressed with us or not. 'Cause I sure am impressed with the work we did today! AND, I'm super-excited to return home from St Louis at the end of this summer and find the lilies and gladiola that I planted today in bloom!

But until then,
I'll just enjoy the immediate gratification of the pansies we potted today:

Me & the fleurs.

The Best Kind of Tears

This is the second day in a row now that I've spent the morning lounging around in my pyjamas, leasurely eating my breakfast and drinking my tea, followed by an easy 'trek' up the stairs to my room where I nonchalantly find myself settling in to some random task... sorting through my files or voyaging around the facebook (ummm, yes, I have files, I love filing things from my life into sometimes sensical and sometimes not so sensical order!) And then - for two days in a row now - I suddennly end up in tears. The good kind though.

I find myself seriously weeping - in gratitude and awe for the beauty of my life and the people in it!

And maybe I am also weeping for all the hurt that I have felt in my not-so-long life thus far. Perhaps part of this weeping is a mourning for those times when the beauty of this world was not as apparent to me as it is now, it was hard to find. Perhaps part of this weeping is a frustration about the fact that the beauty and love and light that I see and feel all around me right now, will not always be so easy to see... A resentment for the fact that 'the good times' are pretty much inherently defined by the existence of the not-so-good...

But mostly, I think I am weeping the very best kind of tears - the happy kind.

Yesterday they were brought on while I was filing some old resume/job/school application stuff and came across some old letters of reference... As I reread what my former employers had to say about me - from the camps that I used to teach at as a teenager, the community centre I pretty much ran when I first moved to Toronto, and even from my high school friends' parents when I needed to apply for scholarships and financial assistance in order to continue attending university! - I couldn't help but swell with intense gratitude, both for the kind words and recognition of these people whom I respect and admire so much, and also for those magical, challenging and life-changing experiences themselves! So then I cried a little.

And today, I was actually creeping around on the facebook, looking at the profile belonging to my roomate Laura's best friend (who lives in Vancouver and I've actually never met, but we're facebook friends - go figure! Whatevs.) So, even though I don't really actually know this woman personally, I just feel so connected to her, and I have this deep sense that we are sort of 'kindred spirits'... Maybe I feel that way so strongly because reading her fb profile today made me weep... Made me weep in awe of the beauty of the world and the fact that there are people out there who declare things in their "About Me" section on fb like:

"I love it when my boy wraps his arms around my neck...I've been waiting for that moment my whole life. I own a restaurant where the loveliest people work. I live in Vancouver and miss the east all the time because that is where my peeps are. I am so over crack addiction. I love revelations...learning how to live, laugh and cope. lately the world seems hard...but by now I know that it always gets better...long live hot days, tanned shoulders and the ocean. peace...is it too much to ask?"

And here I am, weeping again! And realising that you're probably not, and that's why this woman is probably a 'kindred spirit' of mine, because her very simple words and thoughts can make me weep and that is our connection. And it's a good thing. And I like it.

And for now, I think that's all I have to say.

Laura and Henry are away this week, skiing with Laura's parents. I miss them. So I decided to use the built in camera function on my MacBook and take this picture today:

EASTER KISSES FOR HENRY!

XOXO,
From "Mmmmm...bdgaiufha"

or however you say it Hen ;)

Gotta Love It (when life feels like 'Buffy')

WHOA! I can't believe how much time has flown by since my last post!

But mostly, I'm just really feeling quite pleased about why it's been so long since my last post...

My aunt Colleen in Vancouver often sends me little email notes in response to my bloggings, and when I've been absent from posting on my blog for an extended period of time she often writes to me saying something along the lines of "I hope the reason you haven't been writing on your blog much lately is that your life is so busy and full of wonderful things." But alas, often the case is the exact opposite. Usually, my absence from blogging is an indication that I'm feeling not-so-up-to-snuff... It usually means that I'm feeling so bogged down by the reality of my life (whether it be so insanely full it's overwhelming, or so uneventful it's depressing) that I can't even handle the self-reflection involved in writing and publishing the truth of it.

Well kids, that is NOT the case this month!

Considering I was unexpectedly unemployed as of the middle of February (I believe I mentioned the bookstore fiasco in a previous post), I have been surprisingly BUSY over the last few weeks! Conveniently, I have scored some drama teaching gigs with a few companies that I worked for years ago (and karmic-ly enough, THEY actually contacted me to ask me to come back and teach some classes and workshops for them, at pretty much the exact time that I needed to find work!) But I am definitely still on the hunt for more work (*and am currently accepting job offers by the way, both near and far, should any of you wish to propose an opportunity for me*), which keeps me busy... internet job searching, cover-letter writing, resume-updating, emailing, facebooking - oh wait, that last one has nothing to do with my job search, it's just an addiction!

Okay, so anyhow, that's pretty much my life in a nutshell these days: facebook, email, job search, teaching and hang-out time with my roomates... In a word: AWESOMENESS.

There have also been more than a few occurances of note over the last few weeks that I have meant to blog about, but just never got around to doing in a timely fashion. Thankfully, I've always been a big fan of that "better late than never" expression. So thus, I present to you,

A Few of My Favorite Thoughts (Inspired by the events of the last two weeks):

"I love it when my life feels like Buffy"
At the beginning of this month I got called in at the very last minute to lead a workshop for a children's theatre company that I used to work for, to replace one of their facilitators who got offered a supply teaching gig that she couldn't turn down. I have to admit, it felt pretty good walking back into that scene, because I was basically one of the original developers of the workshop we were to deliver. This, along with my genuinely enthusiastic personality, seems to make me quite popular amongst my co-facilitators. There were ten of us facilitators assembled that day - a blustery cold and snowy friday - each one of us would independently deliver a full-day workshop to either a grade 7 or 8 class (the older ones naturally being the more challenging). When we arrived at the school, buzzing with the excitement of the day ahead of us, the vice principal led the group of through the hallways of the school, pointing out the various classrooms. With each passing classroom, our supervisor Jason directed one of us to depart from the group and head to our respective "stations"; I giddily remarked that it felt like the final episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, when the gang assembles in the Sunnydale High School and prepares to seperate and take their respective places throughout the school for THE final battle. (Only true Buffy fans will appreciate this but,) I felt soooo much like we were living that moment! And, being the last facilitator to be stationed (and with one of the more challenging, grade 8 classes), I naturally felt like the Buffy of the group. Of course. What can I say? I really love it when my life feels like an episode of Buffy!

"Another Tuesday, Another Snowstorm"
Did you know that there have been minor to major snowstorms here in Toronto on 4 out of the last 5 Tuesday evenings? I do, because I have spent the last 5 Tuesday nights trudging through a park in the east end of the city to the Children's Peace Theatre where my friend Mark and I have been given space to facilitate a program with some teenagers we used to work with. We're basically just volunteerig to spend each Tuesday evening with them, to provide a space for all of us to take time away from our everyday lives, reflect on our personal goals and achievements and work towards our own personal successes. Sound vague to you? Yeah me too. We're still figuring it out, but no matter what it is that we are "officially" doing, we are definitely working together and having some laughs and good times along the way! I sure do love the time that I get to spend with them, but I am definitely ready to not have to trudge through the snow anymore!

"There is no good reason for me not to get my nails painted HOT PINK. In fact, there are many reasons to support such an act."
Somehow, at some point over the last month or so, I miraculously (and somewhat randomly) managed to stop biting my nails! I have been chewing my fingernails ever since I had teeth and fingernails to chew! I have tried multiple times to stop, but to no avail. I used to chew them so much, my hands would be bloody and raw. But somehow (maybe something major in my life, or just inside of me, shifted and changed and...) I just stopped. I noticed this a few weeks ago and then decided to make the stoppage more conscious. And then yesterday afternoon, I rewarded myself with my very first manicure. And since I'd never, ever, had a professional manicure before in my life, I chose a color that I have always wanted... ever since I was a little girl: A bubble-gum bright, irridescent, hot pink! Love it, love it, LOVE IT! (And the fact that my friend Jason actually NOTICED AND COMMENTED on the fact that my nails matched the hot pink ribbon I had in my hair yesterday is simply the icing on the cupcake)

"Don't be afraid of the egg"
It's so funny, just before I began to type this section "the egg" came and crawled into my lap (you'll understand in a sec...)

So, this past Monday night I gave my roomate Laura her (belated) birthday present of one night of free babysitting. I wasn't sure when she was going to redeem this gift from me, because Henry (my shortest and youngest -at 16 months old - roomate) has never had a babysitter before. Well, his grandparents have watched him for a few hours at a time, but I was to be his first non-familial babysitter. And I had bedtime to negotiate, since neither mama nor dada would be home before 11:3o/midnite. Right before he left the house, Louis shared with me a "tip" (that came in the form of a story) about "the transfer" - which is when I have to transfer the baby (Henry) into bed, once he falls asleep. Louis' story was about his mother, when she was a cook in the diner his parents used to own. Apparently she was really bad at making fried eggs, because she always broke the yolk. One day a man came in and ordered eggs. Louis' mother warned the man about her 'egg handicap' and the man simply told her: "don't be afraid of the egg." And well, she never broke another yolk. Louis told me that that's what he thinks about every time he has to transfer the precious sleeping Henry into the bed - don't be afraid, just do it - smoothly, quickly and confidently.

Well, the tip worked. I never broke another baby again. Er, I mean, I never woke another yolk... I mean...

Well, I think you know what I mean...

I mean...

SUCCESS!

(I get by) With A Little Help From My Friends

Alright, so my well-intentioned plans of writing on this thing every day have clearly not worked out. So it goes. I'm alright with it.

Not surprisingly, I've been busy, busy, BUSY! Turns out that simultaneously assistant directing the Peace Theatre Camp production and producing/stage managing Two in the Bush for the Fringe Festival was maybe not the wisest undertaking. But I made it through! The Fringe ends today, we had our final Two in the Bush performance this afternoon - that is, until we perform at the "Best of the Fringe" hold-over series at the Diesel Playhouse at the end of this month! Woo Hoo!!

What's kept me going, (although I am embarrassed to admit that I haven't had the time to properly acknowledge this by returning phone calls & emails) have been the lovely, often totally unexpected, and rather out-of-the-blue phone messages and emails (and blog comments!) from various people out there, simply sending me their love, support and thoughts. Truly, these have always arrived just when I need 'em the most, and have given me the hope, strength and inspiration to keep going... even in the face of total exhaustion and frustration.

Thank goodness for a little help from my friends!

I have to say, amidst all of this (great, important, and meaningful - to me atleast) work, I have felt a little bit lost... Lost in the sense that I've felt like I've been working so hard on other peoples' projects that I've forgotten a little bit about who I am, and what I want... But now that the Fringe is over, and Peace Camp will perform, and wrap up, at the end of this coming week, I am feeling as though I will have a little more time to focus on projects of my own, and I am feeling determined that I must do this.

At the top of my list of things to attend to are:
* My move to NYC - I gotta make this happen!!! I know that I owe it to myself!!!

* Research and writing of my book, and...

* A return to the writing of MY next show???

Okay, so there you have it my friends, the goals for the coming days & weeks, more updates to follow. Sooner rather than later. I promise.

XO,
MMM

The Top of the World?

So, I had a really great meeting tonight, with this exceptionally amazing young woman that I am going to be collaborating with this summer on the "movement & meditation" element of Peace Theatre Camp (but more about all of that later!), and at one point we were just chatting (or rather, I was going on and on) about what else we do with our lives, and I was telling her about all my various jobs and projects and volunteer endeavors and she started to get this look in her eyes... This look that kind of made me want to stop rambling on and on with such enthusiasm and gratitude. And when I finally stopped, she paused in a reflective moment, and then commented on how great my life seemed, and how listening to me, it made her realise that there were all sorts of things that she really wanted to do and she feels worried that she is sacrificing those goals too much these days in lieu of social time...

SOCIAL TIME?! I asked incredulously. "Well from the girl who is known among her friends for being too busy to show up for almost everything," I began, "let me just say, social time is indeed very important, and perhaps now I envy you a little for the amount of your life that you seem to presently dedicate to fun time with your friends..." Social time, and friendship time is indeed, very, very important.

Now, that being said, I think I have been able to find a workable balance lately. I'm sure all you blog-readers out there will agree that I do seem to be socialising enough these days - yes? But it bears reiterating that work, and projects, and goals, and all of that, are all really important, but at the end of the road (of life)... what will YOU want to look back on, and re-live, and remember with fondness?

(PLEASE TAKE A MOMENT RIGHT NOW AND ANSWER THAT QUESTION FOR YOURSELF)

So anyhow, I kinda feel on top of the world right now. Maybe it was just a really good day, or maybe some things are really and truly starting to come together in reward for all of my hard work and dedication lately... In any case, I am feelin' good (and of course, THANKFUL) again...

An update on "The (My) Good Life" in brief, is as follows:

- some recent developments have made my move to New York seem closer and more realise-able, or maybe I have just brought that particular goal more into focus as of late... But in any case, there is a possibility that I may be moving there as early as September!!! (Fingers crossed that I get accepted for the internship that I am applying for - or offered some other amazing and/or lucrative theatre-releated job, and that living situations work out... Fingers and toes and ankles and... everything CROSSED!!)

- Peace Theatre Camp is drawing nearer and I am feeling so pumped about it! I am excited to be the Assistant Director to two of my favorite theatre artist/educators (and friends!), as well as the co-leader of the movement and meditation/journalling element with a really amazing girl who might just be one of my new favorite people! Not to mention the fact that Peace Camp is always an amazing experience and I am just so looking forwarding to being back in our little natural "oasis" in the city, with all of the kids and youth that I know (and the ones that I don't know yet), and the other amazing artist guides that I know (and the ones that I don't know yet!), for the first three, sure-to-be-glorious weeks of July! YESSSSS!

- The Toronto FRINGE Theatre Festival is also drawing nearer, which means Tracey and I are getting closer and closer to premiering the also sure-to-be-glorious sequel to The Burning Bush show - Two in the Bush! We start rehearsals later this week, and I have been dilligently working on the choreography for our opening dance number (to my all-time favorite Madonna song - Lucky Star!), which it looks like I will also be dancing in, as well as doing my best to keep all "production-related" balls in the air in my role as artistic producer... And I feel like all of my work is coming to fruitition. I really feel like this is going to be a great production! One of my best acts as producer to date, I feel, is acquiring my "assistant stage manager" - a 19 year old girl that I met through the AMY Project last year, who is just so motivated, and dedicated, and truly fantastic... we are indeed SO lucky to have her on our team! Yay!!!

- It would also appear that all of my (albeit somewhat reluctant and/or resentful) hard work and dedication to my volunteer work for Real Food for Real Kids is starting to pay off... Today I had a meeting with Hope and another workshop facilitator, finalising our educational workshop plans, and it looks like once I'm done with the crazyness of my life in July (Peace Camp for the first three weeks with the FRINGE overlapping and happening during the first two weeks - oh my!) I will be able to return to my "day" (or rather night) job at the restaurant and also do a bunch of educational food/body awareness workshops with little ones at daycares in August - FUN! And I will get paid to do these workshops - BONUS! Also, I have been working closely with a high school student volunteer at RFRK to prepare some grant applications & proposals to get funding for RFRK's Educational Lending Library, and FINALLY, these proposals are ready to go out... Fingers crossed again, for generous funding!!! In any case, I feel great because my "supervisor" at RFRK seems to be feeling really great about all of this, and also really grateful and acknowledging of my efforts... so that makes me feel great too!

- I started riding "Boyfriend" (calm down! I'm referring to Thea's bike that she left in my care for the summer. The bike is named (by Thea) Boyfriend - ahahahaha, awesomeness!), and although it still feels harrowing at times to ride a bike through the city streets of Toronto (don't worry - I wear the helmet religiously!), I am persevering, and it feels good. Both to persevere AND to be active. I've also resumed my morning yoga routine, albeit in a strange sort of way... You see, I was finding it hard to be motivated to do my sun salutations when I wake up in the afternoons, as I do most days now (thanks to the overnight restaurant job). But now, on the days that I work, I do my routine in the mornings when I return home from work and before I go to bed... Kinda backwards, I know, but still, it feels good to be working my body in this way again. Really good. I also started going to Moksha (Hot) Yoga classes again, which is super challenging given my serious aversion to the heat, but I think ultimately good training for me... Both in terms of being able to be more flexible (physically) as a result of the heat relaxing my often incredibly tense muscles and me getting more used to the heat... training that will definnitely be useful this summer at Peace Camp, and in the future if I end up spending any summers in NYC... Phew!

- I have also been watching a lot of romantic comedies lately. And ya know what? I highly recommend this. They are often cheesy, inevitably imperfect, but light and easy to watch (and fall asleep to), and every now and then kind of uplifting and inspiring. My favorite recent rental (and possibly a new addition to my list of favorite movies) is "50 First Dates", starring my all-time favorite actress: Drew Barrymore, and one of my fave males: Adam Sandler. (NOTE: I am also a big fan of "The Wedding Singer"). Other recent romantic comedy watchings include "Music & Lyrics", "Failure to Launch" (both not as bad as I'd heard they were), "Love that Boy" (an indie-canadian film that I own, and LOVE, and highly recommend), "Amelie" (a french one that I also own and also ADORE and also INSIST that you watch, if you haven't already). I also finally got it together and had a long-overdue date with my good friend and former roomate, Reesa, last night and watched MY ALL-TIME FAVORITE MOVIE... Dirty Dancing, of course! *Sigh*

"I carried a watermelon?!" - my all-time favorite movie line. Who can't relate to that moment?

On that note, I shall sign off. Perhaps find another romantic comedy to watch, and fall asleep to. Or maybe I will do some work before I log off for the night. Or maybe I will check Facebook. Most likely, I will do all of the above.

Until next time my dears...

*NAMASTE*

Grumpster No More (at least for now)

So, the term I kept using to describe myself for much of last week was: "Grumpster". Yep, I felt like a real grumpster a lot of the time. And I think that it might have had a lot to do with the fact that I was without computer. And then that realisation made me even more frustrated (with myself), because I really didn't want to admit that a lack of internet access (and access to all of my work files, etc) could throw me off so seriously. I mean, what does that say about me and how I define my self, and more importantly, my happiness?!?

I guess a big part of my frustration/grumpiness/irritability (as a result of the lack of having a computer) was the fact that I couldn't work... On anything. Without all the files, I couldn't work on the grants that I said I would finish for the Real Food for Real Kids Education Program; Without regular internet access I couldn't follow-up on press, publicity and scheduling emails for Two in the Bush (Tracey's newest show); I couldn't even work on my own stuff - my writing, my work research/applications for NYC, and my blog! ;)

But as legitimately frustrating as all of these things are, I couldn't help but feel even more frustrated by the fact that I was so perturbed by this lack of work in my life. I mean, it's been beautiful (albeit friggin HOT) here lately. And I think I was equally disturbed by my inability to "unplug" and simply just Be for a few days. This addiction to work, and tendency to define myself by what I do is another very old issue for me. Something I've been aware of, and struggling with, for many years now. I guess this past week was simply another one of those annoyingly poignant reminders from the universe... And I think (hope?) that the message was sort of received...

With no work, no Facebook, minimal email access, and no blogging to "distract" me, I did find myself looking at my life, and the world around me, in an ever so slightly different way...

Some beautiful "unplugged" moments from the past week include:

Attending the Children's Peace Theatre's "Give Peace A Chance" fundraiser last Saturday afternoon, and savouring the beautiful, natural, open space of the Peace Theatre grounds in Taylor Creek Park, as well as the company of many beautiful people that I love dearly. I enjoyed a few still, solo moments amidst the crowd of people dressed (yes, sometimes a little bit cheesily) in 70's/hippie themed outfits, and I pretended silently that I was somewhere else, other than Toronto in 2007... Somewhere and some time with less... hustle? Distraction? Stress? It's hard to describe without sounding like I've smoked waaaaay too much dope, so I will simply say it was... Lovely.

The following, warm, Sunday afternoon found me on a spontaneous "swimming/play date" with my 6-year old friend Roxy and her dad (a friend from my old Annex 'hood). After we enjoyed ourselves thoroughly in the cool indoor pool, we emerged from the community centre near my house to find that there was some sort of festival happening in the park. There were rides, games, treats, music - the works! I had an hour or so to spare before I had to run off to work at the restaurant that night, so we bought some ride tickets and rode some swirly thing that looked small enough to feel safe, but reminded my body of the heart-stopping adventure I had at the Ex last summer with my teenage friends - oh my! We watched Roxy go bananas in TWO different inflatable bouncing castle thingies, and finally Roxy dragged me through a house of mirrors maze that ended with me going down a slide - something I have certainly not done in a long time! And again, it was... a very lovely afternoon.

The week found me slipping quickly into a real pit of grumpsterness, but THANK GOODNESS for those friends that know exactly what you need and when... I think it was Tuesday night that my dear friend Mark coaxed me out to have some patio beers with him, even though I definitely did not hold any promise of being anything close to good company! After I listened (as attentively as I could manage in my pathetic, self-involved grumpster state) to his reflections on our upcoming work together co-directing the Peace Theatre's Peace Camp production this summer, and his unpredictable dating life, he looked at me and said "Tell me what's good in Meghan's life right now" And when I was silent for so long (and probably looked like I might cry right then and there) he smiled compassionately and said, "Tell me what Meghan is looking forward to right now"...

I said that I was looking forward to the moment when I feel excited about life again, like I do so often; The time when I exclaim (as I am known to often exclaim) that "I am so excited about the future" or "I love life!"; and I said that I knew that that time must be coming soon, even though I couldn't feel a sliver of those feelings for the life of me, at that particular moment. And internally, I reminded myself to have faith in the cycles of the world, and wait for this dip to re-direct itself into an upswing again. And here I am.

I am excited about the future, and I do love this crazy life of mine, for all of its dips, peaks, connections, and malfunctions. Plugged/Unplugged, I am still here, still living... and loving.

So here I go... "unplugging" again, or rather simply signing off, for atleast another day or so ;)

NAMASTE

One Full Day

Yesterday was a DAY. A long one, a busy one, a tiring one, an inspiring one, a confusing one, a conflicted one… One full of good feelings, great feelings, not-so-great feelings and a lot of figuring things out…

Although I only went to bed a mere 3 or 4 hours earlier, my day yesterday began around 8am, as I opened just one eye to reluctantly peer at the orange numbers on my digital alarm clock. I prayed briefly for some miracle that would keep me from having to leave my bed at all that morning, let alone at that moment… But alas, no miracle, at least not that one.

I had only just gotten out of the shower when my phone rang – and it was Tracey. It was still a good 45 minutes earlier than I expected her to be at my place (for the first reading of her newest play) so I answered hoping this wasn’t one of those “Surprise! I’m totally early and standing outside” kinda calls. It wasn’t. Well, not quite… She was about 20 minutes away, and still very early. Ah well, she was probably nervous and excited.

She had invited about 10 or 15 of her "nearest and dearest" over to my place for an 11:30am reading of her newest show - Two in the Bush! For which I am the Artistic Producer (as well as choreographer, and... as the play stands right now at least... I have a little cameo appearance in the opening dance number - oh my!) Guntar had generously granted me permission to use his studio/dining room/living room space (what? did you actually think I was gonna host a reading of a play in my semi-basement apartment?!?!), and it didn't take much for TES and I to set up a little audience seating area, pop the veggie lasagna into the oven to cook and wait for her incredibly punctual guests to arrive.

The reading was lovely. I loved it, the audience loved it. It was very, very good. Not quite perfect, but likely on it's way to being practically perfect! I truly feel honoured to be such an integral part of such a genuinely inspiring and uplifting project. Yes, I am very, very proud.

After the reading I hosted (literally - my recently brushed up serving skills paid off!) a cozy little lunch gathering in our beautiful jungle of a backyard garden. I mixed up salad, plated up lasagna and served people (carrying 3-5 plates at a time!) while TES listened to and took notes about their feedback for her show. It sounded very productive. TES and her mom were the last ones to leave (around 2:00, maybe?) and I had just enough time to do the dishes and some other much-needed cleaning, while thinking to myself "why couldn't I have found the time to do this before I hosted the lunch party with actual grown-ups?!" Ah well, so it goes.

I had a 3:30 meeting at Real Food For Real Kids - to further devlop our plans for the new "Body Detective" nutrition/health workshop that I will soon be delivering in schools and daycares. It was an okay meeting. I met some new volunteer workshop facilitators and they seemed quiet and maybe a little bit turned off (or just overwhelmed?) by me. As I made my way home after the meeting I tried not to let that get to me. I found myself getting into quite the mental rut and I kept having to ask myself what is really bothering you right now???

After some very much-needed (though brief) "check-in" time with Alison I was off again (maybe I spent a little too much time with Ali because I found myself running down Queen street in order to make it on time) to see the Peace Theatre's Youth Leaders Theatre Project (YLTP) perform as the opening act for the preview performance of this year's AMY Project show - I AM HER. For those of you who may not be aware, the YLTP is a theatre program for teens that I started last fall at the Children's Peace Theatre. And the AMY Project is an incredible theatre program for at-rish girls run by my friend and hero (and actually a sometimes co-worker at the Peace Theatre!), Claire. Claire is an incredibly talented actress, but is also very gifted as a director and teacher with young people. She started the AMY Project two years ago - it stands for "Artists Mentoring Youth" and pairs each young female participant with a professional artsist of their choice to act as their mentor as they collaboratively create an original theatre piece with the other girls, that is directed by Claire. Last spring I was their stage manager, so I know many of the girls involved in that program too.

What a night! Talk about being reminded of what you are passionate about, what really matters to you, and what you are good at! It was wonderful, and inspiring, to see so many of the youth that I once worked with, continuing their work on stage. And it was even more wonderful to see them all after the show and see how happy they were to see me. It was very "affirming"... And I had this moment when I realised that yesterday had been such a gift of a day... Providing me with a range of experiences (both positive and not-so-positive) that helped me figure out exactly where my greatest passions are, and what I really want to be spending my energy on!

And on that note, I must get going... To spend some more much-needed "check-in time" with my best friend, then to the Opening Night Gala Fundraiser for the AMY Project, and then to meet up with my newest good friend, Laura, whom I work with at the restaurant.

So, uh... ciao for now!

(I think the fact that I actually just typed that is SO hilarious that I'm not even gonna delete it. Even though I know I should because of it's unbearable cheesiness. Oh my)

An Update About My Good Life

Wow. Life (and Facebook) have really kept me from my regular blog posts lately!

Well, just in case there is anyone out there still reading and wondering what I'm up to these days, how I am doing, etc... Here I am!!!

Last weekend I had my first of four training shifts at the bar/restaurant where I've just been hired. It's a 24-hour restaurant (which is pretty unique in Toronto), but it's also a pretty cool place. Downtown. Good martinis. And as far as I can tell, cool staff who seem to be happy in their jobs - bonus! Anyhow, my first shift was from 8pm until 7am the next morning. They call this "the hazing shift" - it's a rite of passage of sorts, I think. Where they give you the longest, hardest shift of your life for your first shift, just to see how hard you can work and how good your attitude is. Little did they realise who they were dealing with... Anyhow, I think I impressed them because I have been "fastracked" now, and only have to do two more training shifts, instead of the standard 3. Woo Hoo!

Actually, I really like my new job so far. Tonight I will be training on bar, and then tomorrow night I will be serving. I am scheduled quite a bit over the next week or so, but that's good, I need the money. It's also terribly exciting to have a job that I don't really have to prepare for, or work on outside of work hours, for a change. I have no lesson plans to make. No emails to send to performers, crews, theatre technicians, etc. All I have to do for this job is show up when they tell me to, be friendly and efficient, and then go home when my shift is done... Remarkable!!!

And the other bonus about having this bartending/serving job is the flexibility. I still have some time to pursue the projects that are dear to my heart, which at this time include producing Tracey's newest show for the Toronto Fringe Theatre Festival (it's called "Two in the Bush" and it's the sequel to "The Burning Bush" and it will partially tell the story of our world tour!), delivering "Conflict Transformation" workshops in high schools for the Children's Peace Theatre, probably delivering food education workshops in elementary schools for Real Food For Real Kids, as well as co-producing a short documentary video about that program with my friend Alison and some of her fellow Ryerson grads, and researching and writing a book (more info on that later)!

And also having the most kick-ass, totally super-awesome, out-of-your-mind-FUN, summer in Toronto ever. Because I think it'll be my last for a while. Yes, the plans to move to New York City are still on. And that's something else that I ought to be devoting some time to researching and planning!

Sooooo... basically my life in Toronto consists of spending time with the people I love and pursuing the projects that are important to me... I guess I'm a super lucky gal!

Just for fun, I shall conclude this email with a picture from New Year's Eve 2006 - good Toronto times! This is me and my very, very, VERY special friend Alison:

Woo Hoo! Life is good!

"The Good Life"

I am struggling not to cripple myself with the uncontrollable guilt that I am presently feeling for living what I have come to call "The Good Life". I've been travelling with a theatre job for the last two months, followed by some vacation time with old friends, and now that I'm home in Toronto, I've pretty much just been hanging out with friends, eating, drinking, sleeping and hanging out on the internet. I was out with my friend Mark last night and made some sort of "good life" comment and he sort of scoffed and said "well, I guess that depends on how you define The Good Life". Point taken. I'm not exactly living the way I want to live forever these days... But that's all the more reason to enjoy this un-employed free-for-all of a life while it lasts, no?

Sooooooo, for those "good life" days when you have no major responsibilities, and it isn't quite Spring outside yet so you wanna stay in and loaf around on your computer all day (while you do this, I recommend listening to CBC, or NPR, or your region's equivalent to public radio, so that you can feel justified by your aural exposure to news, and cultural/political/social commentary)... I recommend the following:

Go to www.myheritage.com, and upload a photo of yourself. Do a search to see what celebrities you resemble, based on similarites of specific features like cheekbones, face shape, eye size & shape, mouth size & shape... It's wierd, and slightly disconcerting. And changes depending on what photo you give them to compare with.
For example, based on this photo of me (see below), which I don't really like but the site is sort of picky and you need to a have a headshot-like image of yourself for their scanning needs, MyHeritage.com told me that I most resemble Ashley Tisdale (whoever that is!), coming in second was Halle Berry (ha!), then Sophie Marceau (again, whoever that is), Hilary Swank (%76) and some GUY named Takuya Kimura (what?!?). Also, Kathy Bates and Melanie Griffith came up - oh brother!!



Two more searches, with different photos, turned up another slew of Asian celebrities that I have never heard of, Julianne Moore (%75), Sharon Stone (%75), Alexis Bledel (%74), Kiera Knightley (%68), Gael Garcia Bernal (%68 - hahaha!) and a young-looking Barbara Stanwyck (%74) - cool!

And when you get sick of public radio, go to http://txc.libsyn.com/ and listen to Tom X Chao's peculiar utterance of the day. He is a NYC-based playwright, comedian, performer, whatever... whom I met at the Frigid Festival in NYC earlier this year. He also wrote one of my two favorite shows from the festival, a play called "Can't Get Started". I laugh out loud listening to these random utterances.

If you're craving more mainstream, celebrity-based distractions, check out: www.laineygossip.com Robin and Sarah told me about this Vancouver-based Lainey, who is quite entertaining with her celebrity gossip blog. Also, I think she seems pretty cool, as Sarah tells me that she still volunteers for Covenant House in Vancouver (a safe-house for street youth) and I see that she has donated ad-space to them on her website. I'm not really a celebrity follower, but if you are, check out Lainey!

Finally, if you feel the need to redeem yourself and learn about something important, check out: www.milleniumcampaign.org, to learn about how you can help the world achieve a set of eight time-bound goals to end extreme poverty worldwide by 2015. We are the first generation that have the means to eradicate poverty, so join the campaign!

Alright, I'm gonna go look for a job on Good Work Canada now. And then hit the streets with my resume with the slightly more realistic ambition of finding a serving job for the summer. But first I think I'll google "Ashley Tisdale" because she came up TWICE on my MyHeritage.com celebrity look-alike search.

Preparing for "the good life" to end soon...