Grumpster No More (at least for now)

So, the term I kept using to describe myself for much of last week was: "Grumpster". Yep, I felt like a real grumpster a lot of the time. And I think that it might have had a lot to do with the fact that I was without computer. And then that realisation made me even more frustrated (with myself), because I really didn't want to admit that a lack of internet access (and access to all of my work files, etc) could throw me off so seriously. I mean, what does that say about me and how I define my self, and more importantly, my happiness?!?

I guess a big part of my frustration/grumpiness/irritability (as a result of the lack of having a computer) was the fact that I couldn't work... On anything. Without all the files, I couldn't work on the grants that I said I would finish for the Real Food for Real Kids Education Program; Without regular internet access I couldn't follow-up on press, publicity and scheduling emails for Two in the Bush (Tracey's newest show); I couldn't even work on my own stuff - my writing, my work research/applications for NYC, and my blog! ;)

But as legitimately frustrating as all of these things are, I couldn't help but feel even more frustrated by the fact that I was so perturbed by this lack of work in my life. I mean, it's been beautiful (albeit friggin HOT) here lately. And I think I was equally disturbed by my inability to "unplug" and simply just Be for a few days. This addiction to work, and tendency to define myself by what I do is another very old issue for me. Something I've been aware of, and struggling with, for many years now. I guess this past week was simply another one of those annoyingly poignant reminders from the universe... And I think (hope?) that the message was sort of received...

With no work, no Facebook, minimal email access, and no blogging to "distract" me, I did find myself looking at my life, and the world around me, in an ever so slightly different way...

Some beautiful "unplugged" moments from the past week include:

Attending the Children's Peace Theatre's "Give Peace A Chance" fundraiser last Saturday afternoon, and savouring the beautiful, natural, open space of the Peace Theatre grounds in Taylor Creek Park, as well as the company of many beautiful people that I love dearly. I enjoyed a few still, solo moments amidst the crowd of people dressed (yes, sometimes a little bit cheesily) in 70's/hippie themed outfits, and I pretended silently that I was somewhere else, other than Toronto in 2007... Somewhere and some time with less... hustle? Distraction? Stress? It's hard to describe without sounding like I've smoked waaaaay too much dope, so I will simply say it was... Lovely.

The following, warm, Sunday afternoon found me on a spontaneous "swimming/play date" with my 6-year old friend Roxy and her dad (a friend from my old Annex 'hood). After we enjoyed ourselves thoroughly in the cool indoor pool, we emerged from the community centre near my house to find that there was some sort of festival happening in the park. There were rides, games, treats, music - the works! I had an hour or so to spare before I had to run off to work at the restaurant that night, so we bought some ride tickets and rode some swirly thing that looked small enough to feel safe, but reminded my body of the heart-stopping adventure I had at the Ex last summer with my teenage friends - oh my! We watched Roxy go bananas in TWO different inflatable bouncing castle thingies, and finally Roxy dragged me through a house of mirrors maze that ended with me going down a slide - something I have certainly not done in a long time! And again, it was... a very lovely afternoon.

The week found me slipping quickly into a real pit of grumpsterness, but THANK GOODNESS for those friends that know exactly what you need and when... I think it was Tuesday night that my dear friend Mark coaxed me out to have some patio beers with him, even though I definitely did not hold any promise of being anything close to good company! After I listened (as attentively as I could manage in my pathetic, self-involved grumpster state) to his reflections on our upcoming work together co-directing the Peace Theatre's Peace Camp production this summer, and his unpredictable dating life, he looked at me and said "Tell me what's good in Meghan's life right now" And when I was silent for so long (and probably looked like I might cry right then and there) he smiled compassionately and said, "Tell me what Meghan is looking forward to right now"...

I said that I was looking forward to the moment when I feel excited about life again, like I do so often; The time when I exclaim (as I am known to often exclaim) that "I am so excited about the future" or "I love life!"; and I said that I knew that that time must be coming soon, even though I couldn't feel a sliver of those feelings for the life of me, at that particular moment. And internally, I reminded myself to have faith in the cycles of the world, and wait for this dip to re-direct itself into an upswing again. And here I am.

I am excited about the future, and I do love this crazy life of mine, for all of its dips, peaks, connections, and malfunctions. Plugged/Unplugged, I am still here, still living... and loving.

So here I go... "unplugging" again, or rather simply signing off, for atleast another day or so ;)

NAMASTE

Thoughts From The Bedridden

It's wednesday afternoon here in Toronto. It is very, very warm. I am sitting outside, in "my favorite spot in the whole world", as I like to call it. I am sitting on my "deck" (or rather, our back porch) in a comfy, wooden "muskoka chair" that Guntar so kindly assembled for me last spring, feeling the warmth of the sun against my skin and enjoying the view of the colorful tulips that seem to be taking over the garden - in a beautiful way, of course. Apparently, the weather has been pretty nice here for the last few days, but I wouldn't know. I've been in my bed, sick, very, for at least the last two or three days (though, I've been sick for longer... maybe I should've started resting sooner?). In any case, I am starting to feel much, much better today.

The thing about being sick, is although you don't have the energy to DO much, you end up with a lot of time to think. Some of the things that I've been thinking about are...

My job(s)... I like the restaurant job, and I don't want to quit. I really like the people that I work with, and they've been surprising me with their kindness and compassion repeatedly over the last week or so. The recycling issue still bothers me, and I am going to see what I can do to change it. But in the end, I like being a server. I like working with people. And I like the money too, it's pretty decent. And it's flexible, which works for me and my one million and three other endeavors! Also, last week one of my tables left me a note on the back of their receipt, it read: "Meg you are awesome! Me and my friend both had shitty days and you made us smile!" (They knew my name because I have to write it at the top of all my credit card bills)... Isn't that nice? Sometimes you have no idea how much of a difference a little bit of friendliness can make!

I must confess though, that I did go for another job interview the other day, to be a "fitness technician" at a women's only gym. I know I'm not exactly trained to be a "Fitness Technician" but I convinced them that my enthusiasm and willingness to learn would make up for that, and they pretty much offered me a job. Oops. I think that maybe I shouldn't take it on... A girl can only do so much, right?

Another thing (or concept?) that has consumed much of my thoughts over the last few days as I lay in bed coughing and sniffling and trying to sleep, is the role that others play in my life, and vice versa.

It's lonely being sick. Since I moved out on my own (about 7 years ago) this is a lesson that never ceases to surprise me, just a little bit, each time it comes around. Perhaps it is because I live and thrive so wonderfully on my own, 98% of the time? I cherish my independence, even though I absolutely adore the dear friends that I choose to surround myself with. But each time I get sick - and I mean truly sick, that kind of sick that just sort of knocks you onto your back without you even realising that it was coming your way - I am reminded of how lonely independence can be. Of course, I find that the universe has a funny way of taking care of us... By pushing us to our limits, and then just when I really need someone - they show up! It was funny, I found myself really missing a certain friend this week while I was sick, and this friend is currently travelling on another continent! But we ended up chatting on the phone yesterday, and I felt better, just being reminded that those we love and those who love us, are always out there. I am often reminded of how lucky a girl I am, because it feels like there are many loved and loving ones out there!

Speaking of people "out there", another cool thing that has happened in recent days/weeks is that I have been reminded (or notified) that I have some regular blog readers out there! (You know who you are!) Which is TOO COOL in some ways (y'know, I really write this thing most of the time IMAGINING that SOMEONE, somewhere, MIGHT read it... sometime) but is also a little bit of a reality check. I mean, I'm not stupid here people. I realise that I am seriously putting myself out there by writing an "online journal", and I'm not terribly candid about who I am either. This is risky in a number of different ways...

I suppose it COULD be risky if I ever chose to talk negatively about someone, or represent myself in a negative manner that I wouldn't want certain people to read about... But I try to write this blog in the same way that I am trying to live my life which is: Honestly. Bravely. Kindly. Compassionately. And with fun, excitement and time for reflection. The way I see it, you don't have to love everything or everyone, or always be perfect, as long as you take ownership and responsibility for your actions and are honest with yourself and those you care about. Which is what I'm trying to do here with "Brave New Girl"... And by the way, THANK YOU to my dear friends and readers who leave comments for me - I love it! But I also invite you, even if I don't actually know you, to show the same courage that I do here on the internet when you are posting your comments to me... and dare to be something more than "Anonymous"...

"The Good Life"

I am struggling not to cripple myself with the uncontrollable guilt that I am presently feeling for living what I have come to call "The Good Life". I've been travelling with a theatre job for the last two months, followed by some vacation time with old friends, and now that I'm home in Toronto, I've pretty much just been hanging out with friends, eating, drinking, sleeping and hanging out on the internet. I was out with my friend Mark last night and made some sort of "good life" comment and he sort of scoffed and said "well, I guess that depends on how you define The Good Life". Point taken. I'm not exactly living the way I want to live forever these days... But that's all the more reason to enjoy this un-employed free-for-all of a life while it lasts, no?

Sooooooo, for those "good life" days when you have no major responsibilities, and it isn't quite Spring outside yet so you wanna stay in and loaf around on your computer all day (while you do this, I recommend listening to CBC, or NPR, or your region's equivalent to public radio, so that you can feel justified by your aural exposure to news, and cultural/political/social commentary)... I recommend the following:

Go to www.myheritage.com, and upload a photo of yourself. Do a search to see what celebrities you resemble, based on similarites of specific features like cheekbones, face shape, eye size & shape, mouth size & shape... It's wierd, and slightly disconcerting. And changes depending on what photo you give them to compare with.
For example, based on this photo of me (see below), which I don't really like but the site is sort of picky and you need to a have a headshot-like image of yourself for their scanning needs, MyHeritage.com told me that I most resemble Ashley Tisdale (whoever that is!), coming in second was Halle Berry (ha!), then Sophie Marceau (again, whoever that is), Hilary Swank (%76) and some GUY named Takuya Kimura (what?!?). Also, Kathy Bates and Melanie Griffith came up - oh brother!!



Two more searches, with different photos, turned up another slew of Asian celebrities that I have never heard of, Julianne Moore (%75), Sharon Stone (%75), Alexis Bledel (%74), Kiera Knightley (%68), Gael Garcia Bernal (%68 - hahaha!) and a young-looking Barbara Stanwyck (%74) - cool!

And when you get sick of public radio, go to http://txc.libsyn.com/ and listen to Tom X Chao's peculiar utterance of the day. He is a NYC-based playwright, comedian, performer, whatever... whom I met at the Frigid Festival in NYC earlier this year. He also wrote one of my two favorite shows from the festival, a play called "Can't Get Started". I laugh out loud listening to these random utterances.

If you're craving more mainstream, celebrity-based distractions, check out: www.laineygossip.com Robin and Sarah told me about this Vancouver-based Lainey, who is quite entertaining with her celebrity gossip blog. Also, I think she seems pretty cool, as Sarah tells me that she still volunteers for Covenant House in Vancouver (a safe-house for street youth) and I see that she has donated ad-space to them on her website. I'm not really a celebrity follower, but if you are, check out Lainey!

Finally, if you feel the need to redeem yourself and learn about something important, check out: www.milleniumcampaign.org, to learn about how you can help the world achieve a set of eight time-bound goals to end extreme poverty worldwide by 2015. We are the first generation that have the means to eradicate poverty, so join the campaign!

Alright, I'm gonna go look for a job on Good Work Canada now. And then hit the streets with my resume with the slightly more realistic ambition of finding a serving job for the summer. But first I think I'll google "Ashley Tisdale" because she came up TWICE on my MyHeritage.com celebrity look-alike search.

Preparing for "the good life" to end soon...