Snippets and Snapshots of My Life Right Now

So, this is what Toronto looked like today:
Above: The view looking southwards down the street that I currently live on...

I say "currently" because I have decided to move. Alas, not yet to New York (I'm a firm believer in timing, and the timing just isn't right for me right now), but I definitely need to get myself out of this BASEMENT that I am living in! However lovely as it may be. So I gave my two months notice at the beginning of this month and began the constant perusal of Craiglist. I have decided that not only do I want to live above ground, but I also want to live with people again. Enough of this alone stuff! So I randomly answered an ad that I guess most people wouldn't...

I actually just went into my email account and found the copy of the ad that I sent myself before I replied, here it is:

"We are about to buy a house in our beloved neighbourhood of the JUNCTION. We're devoted to this great little community...but we're also devoted to living from just one income while we raise our little boy (13 mos). Sooooo how to buy a house, stay in the junction, and still be an at-home-mama??????

Well, we are wondering if there are any peaceful, cool, open, child-friendly, creative, interesting, community-minded people out there that would like to rent a room (the bedrooms are HUGE) in our new house. Its a great place. You and possibly another would have the run of the upstairs, with a huge bathroom and laundry. We would share the living space (living w. fireplace, dining, kitchen, den, patio, garage, wireless internet, ample street parking). Who knows maybe we could even make a room/board arrangement of sorts and I will cook for us all...for a bit extra.

We are looking for Feb.08. If this interests you - let me know. It could be the start of something really great."

Well, I guess I felt like this really could be the start of something quite great so I wrote an email to this anonymous craigslist post-er... Only to find out that this woman is in fact someone I would consider a "long lost friend", someone that I worked with during the first year that I lived in Toronto (when I was 19!)and have some really great memories with, someone I have often thought about over the past few years... Crazy!

So anyhow, after some excited emails and then some missed emails and a lot of hilarious drama that thankfully worked out in the end, Laura and I ended up meeting for hot chocolate this afternoon. And I met her lovely little 13 month old son, Henry. We spent an amazingly lovely afternoon together and then her husband Louis came home from work and we enjoyed a nice dinner together. And I think this IS the beginning of something really great!


So here is what The Junction looked like last Thursday (not as snowy as it was today), when I took my own little private field-trip out to check out the neighbourhood on my own (before meeting up with Laura this week):







And just for fun, here are some pics that I took last weekend, of the lovely little bookstore where I currently work:


(Above: The View From My Desk)



So, I guess my life's not lookin' too bad these days, hey?

It's My Day Off and I'll Be Lazy If I Want To

As I was walking to work on Monday, I felt good. (Actually, I usually feel good on my walks to work. Maybe that is something worth noticing...?) The weather was really grey and misty and on the verge of rainy - totally the kind of weather that most people grumble about. But to me, it was familiar, and comforting. I distinctly remember thinking to myself: "This is the kind of November that I am used to" (Or rather, that I grew up with in Vancouver)

Now, I know it's not particularly normal to long for grey and rainy days, but that is what I have always missed about Vancouver.

I enjoyed my misty walk to work on Monday (even though my hair was a bit of a disaster by the time I got to work!) and took these pictures as I walked through the park that I am so lucky to live so near to:









I think it's another grey-ish day out there, but no rain. I think it's really the water that I like. Not the color grey.

I have the whole day off today. My first day off after working five days straight at the new bookstore job. I realise that five days may not seem like a lot of days to work in a row to some (and probably even to me, at another point in my life!) but compared to the pace of life that I've been living, and how I've been feeling, it's a lot. And newness can be exhausting too.

So anyhow, I have today off and there are really so many things I should be doing... But I just feel tired. And somewhat unmotivated. My house is a mess, but I certainly don't feel like cleaning it! I am doing laundry though - hooray for small victories, right???

I'm trying so hard to "simply" live in the moments, "be here now", and not get wrapped up in regret or worry, but that's damn hard! All I can think about right now is the fact that I made a goal for myself to move to New York City by January 2008 and it doesn't look at all like that is going to happen. And if I'm honest with myself, it's probably not the right thing right now anyways.

Ugh, enough of this grumpster-ness. I am going to go make myself some lunch (<--Hooray! Another small victory, not eating out!) and curl up with a book. It's my day off, I can do what I want!

"Taking The Long Way"?

I truly believe that if we listen carefully enough, the universe is providing us with all the answers, information and messages that we need. The forms that these messages come in however, are often unexpected and/or unconventional.

Take for example, the last week or so of my life... In some ways, I think even my getting sick and bedridden was a way for the universe to get to me to slow down enough to take some much-needed time for reflection and evaluation, of where I am at, and where I am headed. Throughout the last week or so, I have found myself asking myself, over and over again, the oh-so-important questions of:
What are you working towards???
What is/are the ultimate goal(s) that you are working (so hard!) to achieve?
And are you working hard at the right things in order to achieve these goals???


I truly believe that I needed both the wake-up call from my body (Hello! Remember to take care of me too!!!) in order to take the time, to find myself asking these questions.

The answers have come in interesting forms as well...

Naturally, I have done a lot of thinking, and a little bit of writing, about these questions and have found myself reaching my own, intellectual answers. I have also had some random, yet important, conversations with friends that have led me to some interesting answers. And these conversations haven't necessarily been directly related to my internal questioning either.

No, these conversations have moreso taken the form of long-overdue check-ins with best friends, old friends, new friends and even "business" meetings with Tracey! In fact, after our meeting last night, TES sent me a somewhat random email that quoted a wesite called Genius Press (www.geniuspress.com), which provided me with a much-needed reminder, that I wish to share with you, my dear readers, as well...

At this time, I wish to remind you (courtesy of Genius Press) that...

(Among other things), You are a genius!
You are one of a kind. What you love is what you're gifted at. Your talent is coded into your genes and filters everything that has happened in your unique history. You have original vision and that makes you a genius. The only way to feel satisfied is to listen to your own nature; in other words, to do what you were born to do!

And... It's time to rediscover your dreams and put them back on that table!
There are dozens of practical, realistic ways to make every dream possible...

Self-helpey? Yes, absolutely. But still worth listening to? I think so. And I feel like these were words that I really needed to hear at this point in time, to remind me to keep my own dreams on the table, always.

And so, in the interest of using this online journal of mine as my "table", and recording my dreams & goals for myself and for the universe to bear witness to, here are my dreams and goals, both grand and "small", as of today...

* To move to New York City by January 2008
* To make a living working in theatre and education
* To write and publish my book (about grief, and grieving as a "young person")
* To live in Manhattan (one day, at least)
* To own a house and a dog (one day...)
* To make a positive impact on someone else's life
* To be a foster parent (one day...)
* To be able to take care of my loved ones, when they need it...

You know, it's funny, but looking at those things in writing, well... They don't really seem so un-achievable to me, not at all. In fact, that list appears totally manageable to me!

So there you have it. I've recorded it for all to see... My dreams and goals at this point in time, mid-way through my 26th year of living on this planet, from my home in Toronto, Canada.

And I'm okay with "taking the long way" to achieve these goals, if the long way is as The Dixie Chicks describe it in their song... ;)

Difficult Decisions/Dangerous(?) Confessions...

How do I reconcile the fact that I work at a restaurant that doesn't recycle because "it's too expensive" with the reality of the way I live my life? A life where I believe that the only real difference I can make in this world is by my own personal actions... Like selling my car, trying to generate only one (small, kitchen-sized) bag of garbage a week, recycling, composting, volunteering and working for organisations that aim to teach young people about peace (with themselves, the environment, their bodies, their peers, strangers, etc)... With every thing that I do, I am trying to make the most positive impact that I can make on this world, and yet... Something doesn't fit right now.

Big decisions ahead. Not just about what to do about the restaurant job (and yes, it does feel a little dangerous to be questioning the ethics of my employer on the internet)...

Like? Do I return to work this summer for the organisation that I left in January? I love this organisation, I love the people that I get to work with, and obviously I love the young people... But is there such a thing as "a time to move on"???

Sometimes I get so busy, doing the things that I love, the things that I want to be doing, and the things that I think I ought to be doing... that I wonder if I am really taking care of myself. Such an old problem for me: I can take care of everything and everyone else around me, but can I really take care of me?

I think I can. No, I know I can. And maybe all this questioning is a way of doing just that. Maybe this is just the way for me to figure out what the right next steps are. Maybe listening to how I am feeling right now is the first step to making sure that I feel differently, that I feel solid and right, in the near future.

I think it is...

An Update About My Good Life

Wow. Life (and Facebook) have really kept me from my regular blog posts lately!

Well, just in case there is anyone out there still reading and wondering what I'm up to these days, how I am doing, etc... Here I am!!!

Last weekend I had my first of four training shifts at the bar/restaurant where I've just been hired. It's a 24-hour restaurant (which is pretty unique in Toronto), but it's also a pretty cool place. Downtown. Good martinis. And as far as I can tell, cool staff who seem to be happy in their jobs - bonus! Anyhow, my first shift was from 8pm until 7am the next morning. They call this "the hazing shift" - it's a rite of passage of sorts, I think. Where they give you the longest, hardest shift of your life for your first shift, just to see how hard you can work and how good your attitude is. Little did they realise who they were dealing with... Anyhow, I think I impressed them because I have been "fastracked" now, and only have to do two more training shifts, instead of the standard 3. Woo Hoo!

Actually, I really like my new job so far. Tonight I will be training on bar, and then tomorrow night I will be serving. I am scheduled quite a bit over the next week or so, but that's good, I need the money. It's also terribly exciting to have a job that I don't really have to prepare for, or work on outside of work hours, for a change. I have no lesson plans to make. No emails to send to performers, crews, theatre technicians, etc. All I have to do for this job is show up when they tell me to, be friendly and efficient, and then go home when my shift is done... Remarkable!!!

And the other bonus about having this bartending/serving job is the flexibility. I still have some time to pursue the projects that are dear to my heart, which at this time include producing Tracey's newest show for the Toronto Fringe Theatre Festival (it's called "Two in the Bush" and it's the sequel to "The Burning Bush" and it will partially tell the story of our world tour!), delivering "Conflict Transformation" workshops in high schools for the Children's Peace Theatre, probably delivering food education workshops in elementary schools for Real Food For Real Kids, as well as co-producing a short documentary video about that program with my friend Alison and some of her fellow Ryerson grads, and researching and writing a book (more info on that later)!

And also having the most kick-ass, totally super-awesome, out-of-your-mind-FUN, summer in Toronto ever. Because I think it'll be my last for a while. Yes, the plans to move to New York City are still on. And that's something else that I ought to be devoting some time to researching and planning!

Sooooo... basically my life in Toronto consists of spending time with the people I love and pursuing the projects that are important to me... I guess I'm a super lucky gal!

Just for fun, I shall conclude this email with a picture from New Year's Eve 2006 - good Toronto times! This is me and my very, very, VERY special friend Alison:

Woo Hoo! Life is good!

This Ain't Oprah Y'All!

I recently received some gentle feedback from a friend and loyal blog reader. Apparently, I've gone "a little too Oprah" on here lately. Alright, point taken.

I can relate to this feedback in the following way: I really like songs that are kinda sad or melancholy, definitely on the quieter, more melodious side (oh, THANK GOD I am not a music critic, hey? what a way to describe songs! oh my...) but sometimes, the feeling just comes over me and I exclaim, "Alright! We gotta kick it up a notch here!" Because sometimes you just wanna have fun. And fun is good, fun is great. Fun is why I just turned off CBC radio and put on Britney's "Brave New Girl" song - it's our shared anthem. (Please see my first-ever blog entry here, where it will be reiterated to you that I HAD THE IDEA FOR THIS NAME LONG BEFORE BRITNEY EVEN RECORDED THIS ALBUM!!! I don't mind the song though, it's fun and dance-able)

Speaking of brave girls and fun,
wanna see what I did on Christmas Day in Las Vegas last year?

Check it:


FYI, "Brave" was the name of the main character in the first play that I wrote. A one-woman show called "The Light Between" that I performed at the Fringe of Toronto Theatre Festival last summer. FUN! (And a little scary)

Oh, and guess what?
France is off this summer. UK work permits haven't been sorted out yet, and I have just decided that I don't want to spend any more time and/or money on this battle. I'm not at all disapointed at the prospect of staying put here in Toronto for the summer. One of the reasons why is because this is my backyard:



Wouldn't you be excited to hang out here all summer too? Well, you can! Call me and I'll invite you over for a visit! It will be FUN!!!

Another reason that I'm not terribly broken up about not working for 4 months as a chaperone for groups of children and teenagers at an outdoor education centre in France is that I read on the company's website that "some centres have internet access" - WHAT?!?! I would be living in a glorified tent all summer AND I might not be able to blog about it regularly? Well, that's just not fair to you, my dear readers!

A week in Paris sounds way more up my alley, and it may end up happening if I can't cancel my flight outright. Oui, dear readers, I am considering a little jaunt over to Paris in May... to meet up and hang out with my friend Mark, who was originally going to visit me in the South of France during his European travels... We'll see... I've been there once before, but Paris could be fun again... Especially in the Springtime!

Another friend of mine is going to be living and doing job training (for her new job in Switzerland!!!) in NJ/NY this summer, so it looks like I'll get to visit the home of my heart again this summer - yay!

So, fear not, there promises to be lots of exciting adventures ahead for me to blog about and I further promise not to go all Oprah on y'all all the time here, only every now and then... okay?

Aiight, I'm gonna go bite the bullet now and consider joining facebook. Because apparently, I am wrong when I declare that "facebook is for highschool kids". Apparently, facebook is for everyone on the friggin' planet. Ugh.

"Fun..."

Where The Journey Takes Us...

We're back in Toronto. Sarah and I drove "home" from Burlington, Vermont yesterday, and in less than an hour I will wake the princess one last time so that she can shower and dress and prepare to get on a plane to take her to her home in Vancouver later this morning. When we called Robin last night to let her know that we had arrived safe and sound in Toronto, she confessed that after we left yesterday she cried a little. And I think I know exactly what she was feeling. Something will definitely feel empty when Sarah leaves. And this trip will be over.

It was a GREAT trip though! We wandered the adorably quaint streets of "downtown Burlington" (well, Robin and I wandered alongside Sarah, who shopped, of course); We went out for an amazingly fresh sushi dinner with Robin's fella Ethan (I'm a big fan of this guy!) followed by "Thursday Night Trivia" at some bar that Robin and Ethan go to every Thursday night with their friends; I went to school with Robin and met one of her students that reminds her of "high-school Meghan" (while Sarah shopped some more); We went to the fantastic store "Cheese Traders" and came home and made fondue and drank red wine and piled on to Robin's bed and had a girls night in and watched the movie "Stick It!"; We hid easter eggs for each other and had an easter egg hunt; We went and got pedicures (my first time!); We cooked a delicious "easter dinner" and had Robin's friend Erin over before we went out on Saturday night to "Retronome" for 80's dance night!!! In short, it was a blast. Sarah will email me pictures soon, I'm sure and then I will share.

So yeah, it's a wierd, wistfull feeling that I'm feeling now... I keep marvelling at the journey that life has taken me on over the past few months, and how I never would have imagined that I would (or that I COULD) be where I am right now... Which is very happy to be home in my Toronto apartment, preparing to make a decision about whether I can go away and work in Europe this summmer or not (and leaning towards not) while thinking about my plans to move to New York City in the Fall or Winter. And best of all, just totally grounded in my own feeling of "no matter what happens it's going to be okay-ness"!

So far, my journey in 2007 has taken me down to the deepest, darkest depths of my memories and feelings, and then back up towards the light again... My work has taken me on a trip to visit my past, my "hometown" of Vancouver, where I visited the life I left behind and struggled with the realisation that I have truly moved onward... Then my journey took me to New York City, where I glimpsed my future, and met my "best self" (I think)... I then travelled east, to Halifax, a place that I have visited frequently over the past 5 years, and often in times of tribulation and transition. In Halifax I visited with some of my best friends from my university years, and was reminded of who I was, who I am and who I have always been. And then finally, this road-trip to be re-united with the two women without whom I'm not sure I would exist at all... Words cannot describe how special it was to spend time in the year 2007 with my two best friends from high school, Robin and Sarah, and though so much has changed... in most ways, our friendship hasn't changed at all.

And between it all, there has been Toronto. The life here that I have made for myself. The people I love dearly. The friends I love to care for, and those whom I let take care of me. The friends I love to party with, laugh with, chat with, drive with, dance with, drink with, talk with, cry with... My beautiful apartment, and the lovely backyard that is waiting for spring to finally arrive so that it can flourish into the beautiful garden that it is. It's nice to be home.

And who knows where the journey will take me next?

For now, it's going to take me downstairs to wake Sarah and then out the door and down the street to Starbucks to fetch her some coffee. 'Cause I know she needs it in the morning and I don't have a coffee maker. But most of all, because when you love someone, and they've been your best friend for this long... you want to do things like this. Because you can.

PS - Sarah and I randomly rented the movie "You, Me + Dupree" last night and laughed our asses off. It was surprisingly funny, and joyful, and I looooooove that Owen Wilson. Hotness, Adorableness & Humor-ness = Owen-ness. Watch the movie. You'll get the joke.

Being Here Now

So, I've been back "home" in Toronto for just over 24 hours now, but I find myself feeling kind of like I'm not even in my own body... It's not that I'm sad to be here - on the contrary! I'm so thankful to be back home in my beautiful apartment, that is in the house belonging to my lovely friend Guntar, and to be making plans to get together with many of the lovely other great friends that I have here. They are what makes my life in Toronto so wonderful.

No, more likely than anything else, I am simply tired. A little overwhelmed, probably. I find myself wanting so desperately to simply be able to just Be Here - if even simply in my own flesh and bones and space - and yet the reality of my life right now is that my brief time here in Toronto must be spent making plans and working towards my future travels. Tracey and I leave again this Saturday morning for the whirlwind Halifax leg of our "World Tour". Before the week is up I must also get it together and set the wheels in motion for my French and UK work visas, which require the relinquishing of my passport temporarily. I will be needing said passport in less than 2 weeks for my road-trip to Vermont (Thank you American Government for that new law!). And then there are those pesky school applications to follow-up on... I don't even think I want to go back to school next year anymore!

In any case, it's hard to Be Here when my thoughts and actions must be focused on other places and other times. Nevermind the fact that I barely even have the time to miss New York. Though I do, quite a bit.

To comfort myself, I have been stealing moments here and there (damnit, smoking a cigarrette every now and then... Bad, Bad, BAD!) and listening to my ipod... I put on the playlist that I listened to most when I was wandering the streets of NY, and I lose myself in the cheesy, yet lovely lyrics of Whitney Houston's "My Love is Your Love"... And I comfort myself with thoughts of all the beautiful people I know and have known and the times we've shared and what wonderful things are still to come...

And I listen to Beth Orton's "Central Reservation Line" and am reminded that "Today is whatever I want it to mean..." And I remind myself that wherever I am, it's best to simply Be There. And I even find myself doing my own version of "praying", to the universe - promising that I will continue to give all that I can with this life of mine, if things continue to be so beautiful and so full, all around me. And so...

If tomorrow was judgement day,
and I'm standing on the frontline,
and the lord asked me what I did with my life,
I will say, I spent it with You...

Peace Everyone.

PRE-Post-Partum?

This time tomorrow morning I will be in LaGuardia Airport, likely waiting in a lineup to check my bags or go through airport security or something. And by tomorrow afternoon, I will be back "home" in Toronto.

I wasn't feeling too excited about that fact, until my friend Mark called me - just now - and we chatted for a bit about plans to meet up while he's travelling in Europe this Spring and I am working in South-Central France. And we also talked about my hopes and plans for moving to New York next year, and the busyness of my next few weeks before I go to France, when I will be doing one more leg of The Burning Bush's World Tour in Halifax (this weekend!!!) and taking a road-trip to Vermont with my high school friend Sarah... Oh, the future is so exciting!!

But most of all, I think I am feeling better after talking to Mark because even just hearing his voice, and talking for a few minutes, helped me to remember the fabulousness of my life in Toronto that awaits me, and most of all the people there that I love! I'm looking forward to a whirlwind few days of "home" before Halifax this weekend.

And speaking of whirlwind - these last few days sure have been! Agressive New York snowstorms arriving hot on the heels of springtime-like sunshine and morning walks through Central Park; Days of living with laughter and love, peppered with watching theatre and doing theatre and meeting theatre people and talking about theatre and raising our glasses to the theatre...

And New York City. The land of the Jews and the Irish, and realising that I might actually be a little bit of both - so of course I heart NY and loved stage managing the show about the stripping Rabbi on St Patrick's Day!

And solidifying fond new friendships, and falling in love, and always, working to the bone, and still loving...
Every Single Moment...

I get creative and installation-artsy on the snowy day of shabat


The loveable character of "Christy" - the opening act for The Burning Bush, with the most generous man in New York City and my new friend Joe "De la Heyman" (Uncle to my favorite NYC sketch comedy troupe, the super smart and funny 'Drop Six')


Tracey with Erez - Director of the NY FRIGID Festival, and one of my new best friends in New York City. He and his wife Laura are SO gonna be my peeps when I move here. Yeah!


Audiences wait in the crowded warmth of the lobby on a frigid St Patrick's Day... I think this is what success looks like, no?


Tracey, er, I mean Christy & Megs steal one last backstage moment together before the final NY FRIGID Fest performance of The Burning Bush. In case you're wondering, this is what Jewish bling looks like (Big Sis & Lil Sis versions, respectively)

And so we beat on, boats against the current... or something like that.

NAMASTE

The City Was My Boyfriend

Dear Toronto,

Oh, where to begin? You know, these letters are never easy. But I feel that I really need to share some things with you.

First and foremost, you need to know that you Changed My Life. You helped make me who I am today, and for that I will be forever indebted to you! When we met, just over six years ago now, I was in a crazy place - emotionally, mentally… Hell, I was 18 and about to move in with my first real boyfriend – what?! Anyhow, you took me in right away. And I fell in love with you quickly and easily.

You need to believe me when I tell you that it was so easy for me to love you – you were everything I’d always wanted, and all that I could handle at that point in my life. You were busy and bustling, full of flagship stores and “Centre of the Universe” energy. You were new and exciting and full of the potential of my own future. You were the new home of most of my best friends, and best of all, you were not at all the place where I grew up. Theoretically, I could understand what some native Torontonians had to bitch about when they complained of your frigid weather and your lack of natural beauty, but in my heart I loved you unconditionally.

I made you My Home. You were the first home I ever made for myself. And that ain’t nothin’. How comforting it was, each time that I had to leave you – for funeral after funeral in BC, followed eventually by some experimental trips “just for… fun?” – to have that reassuring, heart-felt feeling in the centre of my being each time that my plane touched down at Pearson Airport, that I had once again arrived at Home. And how impressed I have come to be with myself for having had the ability to make such a home of you and your sprawling yet densely populated self!

I can proudly say that I have come to know you very well. And not just your popular side! I am quite confident that in a mere six and a half years, I was able to get to know you inside and out, far and wide… And from your Harbourfront that reminded me of my childhood home (in a nice way) to your imposing Bay Street; From my 6 year Annex home-base to my ongoing love affair with spending time in the east end (yes, even The Beaches); From the UofT Scarborough campus to the community centres of Brampton, Oakville & Missisauga (to name but a few); I enjoyed brief flirtations with the consumerism of Yonge & Eglinton, the sometimes nauseatingly hip Queen West West, Kensington Market and even various surburban pockets of life sprinkled throughout the entire GTA, where I taught every now and then… No, I will never say that you gave me nothing. You gave me so, so, sooo much.

Most importantly, you gave me a place where the people I needed around me, could each simply Live and Be, each in his or her own unique way. Certainly the greatest gift of the last 6 years of my life with you has been the sharing of it with the people who became My Family. And the greatest thing about Family, is that no matter where you go, your Family will always be your Family. So perhaps along those lines, Toronto will always be my Home… in a way.

But the thing is, though I can’t speak for you, and I can only speak for myself, I think we need to seperate in order to keep growing… And let me tell you, it breaks my heart to have to tell you this, but… I’m breaking up with you. You may not want to hear about this now, and it hurts me like hell to have to let go of this deep love affair we’ve been having. But I suddenly understand the truth behind every cheesy break-up cliché: It’s not you, and it is me! And in order to keep growing, to keep moving towards my bright and beautiful future, I need to move on from you. I need more space. I need a city that will challenge me further. It may sound vain, but I need a city that’s bigger, older, wiser, louder, faster, brighter, stronger… and yes, even sexier.

Alright, I guess I’ve said my peace now. I’m sorry if my truth hurts you, but to quote a dear friend of mine “spiritual growth hurts, Rabbi” (Barbara Baumawitz, aka The Burning Bush). I’ll need some time to sort myself out before I move to New York City, which is why I am planning this move for January 2008. And between now and then I will work on slowly weaning myself away from your nurturing breast by traveling quite a bit throughout the rest of this year. First I will be off to Halifax for a few short days with The Burning Bush again, and then on a road-trip to Vermont with a little blast from my past, followed by 4 months this summer in South-Central France, and possibly a jaunt over to Israel with The Burning Bush again in the fall. Hopefully this will ease the shock of my departure for both of us a little.

Oh Toronto, it is so important to me that you know how much you’ve meant to me. We had our good times, and our bad times, but always we were there for each other. I was so in love…

And now, instead of goodbye, I am going to quote another lady whose singing voice I am quite a fan of, and simply sign off by saying that:
“I-eeeeeeeee, Will ALWAYS, Love Youuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!”

XOXO

There is only one Today

As many of my very good friends already know, I suffer from what I have come to refer to as my severe "travel anxiety". I'm not afraid of flying, and I actually love to travel and have new and exciting adventures, but there is something about the thought of LEAVING that fills me to the brim with anxiety. I have come to attribute this partly to my own "control issues" (if I'm not around, I can't control what is happening... Which I realise is a joke in itself because AS IF I can actually control life as it unfolds around me when I am home! Ha!) and also I think it may have to do with the fact that early in my life, some terrible things have happened when I have been "away". In any case, I seem to forcing myself to confront these "travel demons" with vigor these days, as I have travelled both to Las Vegas and Vancouver within the last 3 months, I am about to leave again for New York City in 3 days, after which I will be home in Toronto for a month before I leave again to work in the south of France for 4 monhts this summer! Add to that a little road-trip to Vermont that I will be taking sometime between NYC and France, to visit my friend Robin with my friend Sarah, so that this Best Friend Trio can be reunited in the same place for the first time in about 5 years!

So yes. I am confronting the "travel demons". But that doesn't mean I'm not totally flipping out about it. My hands are shaking as I type these words right now. I've only been back home in Toronto since Monday afternoon, and I have to leave again for NYC on Saturday morning. While I am here I am desperately struggling to sort out all sorts of beurocratic details pertaining to French and British work visas (I will be working for a UK company while I am in France, you can check them out at: www.pgl.co.uk, I will be working at the centre called "Hameau les Ages" this summer - totally adorable looking!), school applications (even though I'm not even sure I want to go back to school in the fall, I am sick of wondering all the time about it, so I have just decided to go for it and apply to go back to theatre school and/or teachers college - you know, simple application processes, Ha!) and I'm also trying to make time to spend with the people here in Toronto that I love and miss when I am away... Did I mention that another one of my best friends is flying in from Halifax tomorrow and I also want to be sure to have some time with her before I leave on Saturday morning? Oh my.

Anyhow, it's so great to be home. I love my apartment. I love that Toronto is my home. I love my friends here, who really are essentially my family. I love this life that is MINE. My sweet friend Mandy just called me, and we haven't spoken for about 2 months now, and it was great to chat with her. I caught her up on all the crazy ups and downs that have been my life for the last few months and then admitted that I was feeling a little bit anxious at the moment. She wisely said to me "Meghan, it sounds like you are doing great. You're doing great things... just live your life. You will only ever have ONE February 28th, 2007, so just live it and make the best of it." I think that I was meant to get that particular advice at this particular moment.

It's great to be home. I am going to go now and try to enjoy it while it lasts. Next time I write will likely be sometime next week when I am in NEW YORK CITY - woo hoo!!!