We're back in Toronto. Sarah and I drove "home" from Burlington, Vermont yesterday, and in less than an hour I will wake the princess one last time so that she can shower and dress and prepare to get on a plane to take her to her home in Vancouver later this morning. When we called Robin last night to let her know that we had arrived safe and sound in Toronto, she confessed that after we left yesterday she cried a little. And I think I know exactly what she was feeling. Something will definitely feel empty when Sarah leaves. And this trip will be over.
It was a GREAT trip though! We wandered the adorably quaint streets of "downtown Burlington" (well, Robin and I wandered alongside Sarah, who shopped, of course); We went out for an amazingly fresh sushi dinner with Robin's fella Ethan (I'm a big fan of this guy!) followed by "Thursday Night Trivia" at some bar that Robin and Ethan go to every Thursday night with their friends; I went to school with Robin and met one of her students that reminds her of "high-school Meghan" (while Sarah shopped some more); We went to the fantastic store "Cheese Traders" and came home and made fondue and drank red wine and piled on to Robin's bed and had a girls night in and watched the movie "Stick It!"; We hid easter eggs for each other and had an easter egg hunt; We went and got pedicures (my first time!); We cooked a delicious "easter dinner" and had Robin's friend Erin over before we went out on Saturday night to "Retronome" for 80's dance night!!! In short, it was a blast. Sarah will email me pictures soon, I'm sure and then I will share.
So yeah, it's a wierd, wistfull feeling that I'm feeling now... I keep marvelling at the journey that life has taken me on over the past few months, and how I never would have imagined that I would (or that I COULD) be where I am right now... Which is very happy to be home in my Toronto apartment, preparing to make a decision about whether I can go away and work in Europe this summmer or not (and leaning towards not) while thinking about my plans to move to New York City in the Fall or Winter. And best of all, just totally grounded in my own feeling of "no matter what happens it's going to be okay-ness"!
So far, my journey in 2007 has taken me down to the deepest, darkest depths of my memories and feelings, and then back up towards the light again... My work has taken me on a trip to visit my past, my "hometown" of Vancouver, where I visited the life I left behind and struggled with the realisation that I have truly moved onward... Then my journey took me to New York City, where I glimpsed my future, and met my "best self" (I think)... I then travelled east, to Halifax, a place that I have visited frequently over the past 5 years, and often in times of tribulation and transition. In Halifax I visited with some of my best friends from my university years, and was reminded of who I was, who I am and who I have always been. And then finally, this road-trip to be re-united with the two women without whom I'm not sure I would exist at all... Words cannot describe how special it was to spend time in the year 2007 with my two best friends from high school, Robin and Sarah, and though so much has changed... in most ways, our friendship hasn't changed at all.
And between it all, there has been Toronto. The life here that I have made for myself. The people I love dearly. The friends I love to care for, and those whom I let take care of me. The friends I love to party with, laugh with, chat with, drive with, dance with, drink with, talk with, cry with... My beautiful apartment, and the lovely backyard that is waiting for spring to finally arrive so that it can flourish into the beautiful garden that it is. It's nice to be home.
And who knows where the journey will take me next?
For now, it's going to take me downstairs to wake Sarah and then out the door and down the street to Starbucks to fetch her some coffee. 'Cause I know she needs it in the morning and I don't have a coffee maker. But most of all, because when you love someone, and they've been your best friend for this long... you want to do things like this. Because you can.
PS - Sarah and I randomly rented the movie "You, Me + Dupree" last night and laughed our asses off. It was surprisingly funny, and joyful, and I looooooove that Owen Wilson. Hotness, Adorableness & Humor-ness = Owen-ness. Watch the movie. You'll get the joke.
Monday, April 9, 2007
Thursday, April 5, 2007
My Travels Back To Winter
Oh, didn’t I think I was such a clever little thing? “Avoiding the winter” by traveling to Vancouver for the month of February, followed by NYC and Halifax in March. And save for one or two intensely cold days in NYC and some fierce Halifax winds, I really did succeed in my avoidance of the cold reality that is winter in Toronto. But smugness gets you nowhere kids. Or rather, smugness gets you driving a lemon of a rental car through April snowstorms to visit your best friend in Burlington, Vermont. Where there is more snow. And it is cold. It is April, but it might as well be February. Brrrrrrrrrrrr!
Other than the chill in the air, I must say it is truly fabulous to be here. I spent the day yesterday driving from Oakville, Ontario to Burlington, Vermont with my other best friend from high school, Sarah. She had flown to Toronto from Vancouver at the beginning of this week and Tuesday night was spent visiting Robin (the now-Burlington best friend)’s parents in Oakville. As far as spending about 12 hours in a car with someone you really haven’t spent any quality time with since approximately 2002, while driving a rental car that drives like a golf cart with poor alignment, in inclement weather through the back roads of the province of Quebec goes… I would say yesterday was a smashing success!
Sarah and I may have grown a little more into our differences (her boyfriend gave her a subscription to The Economist for her birthday last year, meanwhile I make the bulk of my living working in the non-profit sector, either as an artist or educator…), but I found that as long as we avoided political/ethical conversations to the best of our abilities, we were fine. We still have some overlapping tastes in music, and the fact of the matter is, she has a very, very good heart and a generally open spirit. So the best-friendship still works! We made it to Montreal just in time to spend a good hour or so sitting in rush-hour traffic, which was totally unnecessary, but we had decided that we wanted to have our meal for the day in downtown Montreal. And we are so glad that we did.
Upon completing our tasty meal of shared frites and mayo, plus salad for me and soup for Sarah (accompanied of course by une verre de biere locale – mais oui!), we asked our server if she could help point us in the right direction to get on the Autoroute 20, in order to get on our way to the U.S. of A. Unfortunately, she wasn’t a driver herself, but kindly took the googlemaps printout out of my hands and walked over to some regulars, sitting at the bar and posed our question to them. One friendly gentleman came over to help us, and although he realized immediately that we were Anglophones, he ended up giving us directions pretty much entirely en Francais, because we were doing such a good job of communicating with him in his mother tongue!
Apparently, the fact that we were Anglophones even bothering to make an effort to speak French in Montreal was cause for major recognition – I almost thought he was going to call Lucien Bouchard to tell him about these two young anomalies! In any case, we both felt very grateful for the helpful directions and flattered by the gratitude of this man, Regent, as well as our server, Karine. We left Montreal with a slight bounce in our step, and definitely a sense of pride in ourselves and our good efforts.
We arrived, finally, after a rather brutal 2-hour drive through the dark and snowy back-country roads of Quebec and Vermont, at the quaintest little house on Woodlawn Road in Burlington… Robin and Ethan’s house! It is totally adorable, and they were waiting with bottle of red wine already opened. I, of course, managed to spill copious amounts of red wine on their white futon couch within an hour of my arrival, but they assured me that it’s no big deal. What gracious hosts. Perhaps I’ll need to take a trip to Bed, Bath & Beyond while I’m here and buy them some sort of replacement sofa cover… Oh, I am a class act, no?
Alright, well, Robin and Ethan have gone to school for the morning (those dedicated little PhD students!) so it is my responsibility to wake Princess Sarah this morning. It’s almost 9:30 and I think it’s time for her to wakey-wakey soon…
Looking forward to a lovely (albeit snowy) Vermont day today!
PS – still haven’t got the UK work visa sorted out yet, looks like my summer plans may be shifting… stay tuned!!!
Other than the chill in the air, I must say it is truly fabulous to be here. I spent the day yesterday driving from Oakville, Ontario to Burlington, Vermont with my other best friend from high school, Sarah. She had flown to Toronto from Vancouver at the beginning of this week and Tuesday night was spent visiting Robin (the now-Burlington best friend)’s parents in Oakville. As far as spending about 12 hours in a car with someone you really haven’t spent any quality time with since approximately 2002, while driving a rental car that drives like a golf cart with poor alignment, in inclement weather through the back roads of the province of Quebec goes… I would say yesterday was a smashing success!
Sarah and I may have grown a little more into our differences (her boyfriend gave her a subscription to The Economist for her birthday last year, meanwhile I make the bulk of my living working in the non-profit sector, either as an artist or educator…), but I found that as long as we avoided political/ethical conversations to the best of our abilities, we were fine. We still have some overlapping tastes in music, and the fact of the matter is, she has a very, very good heart and a generally open spirit. So the best-friendship still works! We made it to Montreal just in time to spend a good hour or so sitting in rush-hour traffic, which was totally unnecessary, but we had decided that we wanted to have our meal for the day in downtown Montreal. And we are so glad that we did.
Upon completing our tasty meal of shared frites and mayo, plus salad for me and soup for Sarah (accompanied of course by une verre de biere locale – mais oui!), we asked our server if she could help point us in the right direction to get on the Autoroute 20, in order to get on our way to the U.S. of A. Unfortunately, she wasn’t a driver herself, but kindly took the googlemaps printout out of my hands and walked over to some regulars, sitting at the bar and posed our question to them. One friendly gentleman came over to help us, and although he realized immediately that we were Anglophones, he ended up giving us directions pretty much entirely en Francais, because we were doing such a good job of communicating with him in his mother tongue!
Apparently, the fact that we were Anglophones even bothering to make an effort to speak French in Montreal was cause for major recognition – I almost thought he was going to call Lucien Bouchard to tell him about these two young anomalies! In any case, we both felt very grateful for the helpful directions and flattered by the gratitude of this man, Regent, as well as our server, Karine. We left Montreal with a slight bounce in our step, and definitely a sense of pride in ourselves and our good efforts.
We arrived, finally, after a rather brutal 2-hour drive through the dark and snowy back-country roads of Quebec and Vermont, at the quaintest little house on Woodlawn Road in Burlington… Robin and Ethan’s house! It is totally adorable, and they were waiting with bottle of red wine already opened. I, of course, managed to spill copious amounts of red wine on their white futon couch within an hour of my arrival, but they assured me that it’s no big deal. What gracious hosts. Perhaps I’ll need to take a trip to Bed, Bath & Beyond while I’m here and buy them some sort of replacement sofa cover… Oh, I am a class act, no?
Alright, well, Robin and Ethan have gone to school for the morning (those dedicated little PhD students!) so it is my responsibility to wake Princess Sarah this morning. It’s almost 9:30 and I think it’s time for her to wakey-wakey soon…
Looking forward to a lovely (albeit snowy) Vermont day today!
PS – still haven’t got the UK work visa sorted out yet, looks like my summer plans may be shifting… stay tuned!!!
Sunday, April 1, 2007
The Joke's On Me
Today is not such a good day. But tomorrow WILL be better.
Not much time to write now, as I am upstairs at my friend/neighbour/landlord Guntar's house using his computer before we head out to see Daniel MacIvor's play "House", but in point form, here is how The Universe decided to play April Fool's tricks on me today...
1. Upon arrival at the Toronto airport this morning, I stopped dead in my tracks with the horrifying realisation that I HAD LEFT MY LAPTOP AT THE HALIFAX AIRPORT. Sh*t!
(Thankfully this has turned out to be a mere $70 mistake as opposed to a $2,000 one, as they have found my lost laptop and it is waiting safely at the security desk for my nice "friends" at FedEx to pick it up and expedite it to me tomorrow... for a cost, of course.)
And
2. Upon opening the mail I received while I was away, I learned today that the UK government has denied my application for a work permit (the company that has hired me to work in France is a UK-based company, hence the need for said permit). It's too complicated, and nonsensical, to explain to you WHY I have been refused this visa, but I will get it all sorted out tomorrow and I'm sure all will be fine.
I'm SURE all will be fine.
(I'm just gonna keep saying that over and over until all IS fine)
Atleast they gave me back my passport so that I can cross the border when I drive to Vermont later this week.
It's all about the small victories,
and trying to figure out the lessons that the universe it trying to teach you...
*sigh*
Not much time to write now, as I am upstairs at my friend/neighbour/landlord Guntar's house using his computer before we head out to see Daniel MacIvor's play "House", but in point form, here is how The Universe decided to play April Fool's tricks on me today...
1. Upon arrival at the Toronto airport this morning, I stopped dead in my tracks with the horrifying realisation that I HAD LEFT MY LAPTOP AT THE HALIFAX AIRPORT. Sh*t!
(Thankfully this has turned out to be a mere $70 mistake as opposed to a $2,000 one, as they have found my lost laptop and it is waiting safely at the security desk for my nice "friends" at FedEx to pick it up and expedite it to me tomorrow... for a cost, of course.)
And
2. Upon opening the mail I received while I was away, I learned today that the UK government has denied my application for a work permit (the company that has hired me to work in France is a UK-based company, hence the need for said permit). It's too complicated, and nonsensical, to explain to you WHY I have been refused this visa, but I will get it all sorted out tomorrow and I'm sure all will be fine.
I'm SURE all will be fine.
(I'm just gonna keep saying that over and over until all IS fine)
Atleast they gave me back my passport so that I can cross the border when I drive to Vermont later this week.
It's all about the small victories,
and trying to figure out the lessons that the universe it trying to teach you...
*sigh*
Saturday, March 31, 2007
I couldn't have said it better myself...
Ever since I started this online journal, that I make such a conscious effort to ensure is ultimately positive, life-affirming and optimistic, I've been thinking about writing a post that explains just how low I was in the months immediately preceeding the creation of this blog. Something along the lines of "You know, I'm not always this happy" in the hopes of legitimizing all of my current joy, hope and determination.
So yes, I pretty much spent the month of January crying often in the basement part of my apartment, attending weekly therapy sessions, writing in my journal a lot, and trying to enforce my self-imposed rule of having to leave my apartment at least once a day by going for walks through the nearby Trinity Bellwoods Park and feeling quite certain that if everyone's life wasn't way better than mine, we are all living in hell. This, of course, was after I had a mortifying mental/emotional breakdown at my former place of employment because the entry code had been changed over the Christmas holidays and no one had told me, so I was locked out on my first day back to work in January. I still haven't been back there. What can I say? Sometimes the universe has very unique ways of preparing you for your next journey.
So anyhow, I feel quite certain that there is no way that I would be where I am right now - geographically, emotionally, professionally, etc. - if I had not had the courage and blind faith to go where I went then. But the thing is, these kinds of "lessons" are not the kind that you can teach others... one really has to figure these things out on their own. So, although I'm always willing to tell the truth about the good, the bad and the ugly of my life experiences, I know that there is nothing that I can do to really change other people's perspectives. Imagine then, how gratifying it was for me to receive this email the other day, from my lovely friend, Jaya K:
"meghan... i wanted to let u know i have been thinking of what u said about really low points (crying in the basement for many weeks you said?) and needing them sometimes (you said this at the gathering at your home). i wanted to tell u i was in montreal last weekend and went to this place where they make u finish yr appetizer before you have your main meal, finish that before dessert...but it's all "waste not want not." our reservation was for 6pm, which is WAY early by montreal standards - the french, they sleep in ;) - so we had the place to ourselves and the (*crazy*) owner/cook/waiter all-in-one decided to give us a sermon on hinduism and the yogi/bogie conflict. all about detachment and suffering and the only way to free yourself from this hell that is life etc, etc.
and he was sort of on my case because i was laughing and joyous and he was saying that laughter = hell. that when you laugh you are suppressing so much suffering. and that the only way to heaven/paradise is to cry, to mourn, to be in touch with sorrowfulness. and although i continued laughing, and it was a wonderful night, we had wine and everything, i have thought a lot about what he said. and i have had some real sadness in the last while, and i am truly grateful for it.
mourning and sorrow are so real, and if we can accept them for what they are, i think we have a much better understanding of the world and of ourselves. i think if happiness is all you're seeking, you cannot accept the range of experience in the world, and you will look away from suffering, and deny it.
there's a lot of propaganda in the self-help world (from scientology to "the secret") that says you can't be around bad things, bad people. that you should surround yourself with success and symbols of success. but i think that's such an intense denial. love comes from all places--the good, the bad and the ugly! and love doesn't always look rosey. sometimes it grips and drowns. i want it all!
so this is my message to you, sweet meghan - thank you for your wisdom and i hope i haven't distorted it. Love to you, and strength for its many manifestations!"
Far from distorting my "wisdom", I feel that Jaya has really articulated what I truly believe. I couldn't have said it better myself.
*NAMASTE*
So yes, I pretty much spent the month of January crying often in the basement part of my apartment, attending weekly therapy sessions, writing in my journal a lot, and trying to enforce my self-imposed rule of having to leave my apartment at least once a day by going for walks through the nearby Trinity Bellwoods Park and feeling quite certain that if everyone's life wasn't way better than mine, we are all living in hell. This, of course, was after I had a mortifying mental/emotional breakdown at my former place of employment because the entry code had been changed over the Christmas holidays and no one had told me, so I was locked out on my first day back to work in January. I still haven't been back there. What can I say? Sometimes the universe has very unique ways of preparing you for your next journey.
So anyhow, I feel quite certain that there is no way that I would be where I am right now - geographically, emotionally, professionally, etc. - if I had not had the courage and blind faith to go where I went then. But the thing is, these kinds of "lessons" are not the kind that you can teach others... one really has to figure these things out on their own. So, although I'm always willing to tell the truth about the good, the bad and the ugly of my life experiences, I know that there is nothing that I can do to really change other people's perspectives. Imagine then, how gratifying it was for me to receive this email the other day, from my lovely friend, Jaya K:
"meghan... i wanted to let u know i have been thinking of what u said about really low points (crying in the basement for many weeks you said?) and needing them sometimes (you said this at the gathering at your home). i wanted to tell u i was in montreal last weekend and went to this place where they make u finish yr appetizer before you have your main meal, finish that before dessert...but it's all "waste not want not." our reservation was for 6pm, which is WAY early by montreal standards - the french, they sleep in ;) - so we had the place to ourselves and the (*crazy*) owner/cook/waiter all-in-one decided to give us a sermon on hinduism and the yogi/bogie conflict. all about detachment and suffering and the only way to free yourself from this hell that is life etc, etc.
and he was sort of on my case because i was laughing and joyous and he was saying that laughter = hell. that when you laugh you are suppressing so much suffering. and that the only way to heaven/paradise is to cry, to mourn, to be in touch with sorrowfulness. and although i continued laughing, and it was a wonderful night, we had wine and everything, i have thought a lot about what he said. and i have had some real sadness in the last while, and i am truly grateful for it.
mourning and sorrow are so real, and if we can accept them for what they are, i think we have a much better understanding of the world and of ourselves. i think if happiness is all you're seeking, you cannot accept the range of experience in the world, and you will look away from suffering, and deny it.
there's a lot of propaganda in the self-help world (from scientology to "the secret") that says you can't be around bad things, bad people. that you should surround yourself with success and symbols of success. but i think that's such an intense denial. love comes from all places--the good, the bad and the ugly! and love doesn't always look rosey. sometimes it grips and drowns. i want it all!
so this is my message to you, sweet meghan - thank you for your wisdom and i hope i haven't distorted it. Love to you, and strength for its many manifestations!"
Far from distorting my "wisdom", I feel that Jaya has really articulated what I truly believe. I couldn't have said it better myself.
*NAMASTE*
A Glorified Check-List Disguised as a Post
It's 9:34am on Saturday morning in Halifax. I made the decision on Tuesday night to extend my stay based on the premise of having more time to spend with my friends here, but also having my days to myself to get some work done. So far, not much work has gotten done. And I've spent the first 45 minutes or so of my day today on myspace.com, doing really healthy things like exploring every possible corner of my ex-boyfriends' myspace pages. Good stuff Meghan, good stuff. And now I'm writing on my blog. Grrrrrrrrreat.
Okay, so let me tell you what I should be doing now, get over it, finish writing this post, and then get to it! According to the list I made in my work-notebook, complete with little blank squares waiting to be checked, I should be writing and sending reply emails to certain heart-felt, lovely, personal email messages sent from various friends over the past week, or month... There are at least 5 of these, if I'm being gentle with myself and only listing the truly pressing ones. I should also be writing and sending emails related to the further coordination of the next Burning Bush show - at the Toronto FRINGE Festival Fundraiser on April 16 (come one, come all!)- there are at least 3 of these, not counting the one, mass, promotional message that I have been meaning to send to everyone I know in Toronto for the last two weeks. There are also about 3-5 more emails that are sort of a cross between business and pleasure that I really ought to get around to writing and sending today.
Then there is the correspondence with my summer employers in the UK and France, as well as further research/planning/scheduling for my travels and work in the UK and France. I also need to go pick up a CD with photos from our show in Halifax from my friend Brendan, re-pack my suitcase yet again (since tomorrow, I actually must get on a plane to Toronto) and get my butt downtown (a windy, hilly, 20-minute walk) to meet dear Devon for lunch during her break from rehearsal today at 1pm. Nevermind all the writing that I've been planning on doing since before I went to Vancouver! That new show doesn't need to get written, or even thought about, until like, 2009, right? WRONG. And as far as researching American work visas and possible ways for me to move to NYC in 2008... I don't need to be doing that kind of research now, do I? Naw, it'll probably be super-simple to move to the USA - they're really open, right?
Umm, ya know what? Now that I've gotten all of that out of my swirling thoughts and down in writing (yes, for the second time - my list w/check-boxes was the first)... I think I am feeling compelled to actually go get some of it DONE... Sorry for the lame-ass blog post. I signed in hoping to sort out through writing some major thoughts I've been having lately about Love, and the kind of lost that you feel when your 'real life' is spread out around the globe, and my vast, un-predictable future... But I guess that'll all have to wait until another post.
I'm gonna go get some items CHECKED OFF MY LIST!!!
Woo Hoo!
Okay, so let me tell you what I should be doing now, get over it, finish writing this post, and then get to it! According to the list I made in my work-notebook, complete with little blank squares waiting to be checked, I should be writing and sending reply emails to certain heart-felt, lovely, personal email messages sent from various friends over the past week, or month... There are at least 5 of these, if I'm being gentle with myself and only listing the truly pressing ones. I should also be writing and sending emails related to the further coordination of the next Burning Bush show - at the Toronto FRINGE Festival Fundraiser on April 16 (come one, come all!)- there are at least 3 of these, not counting the one, mass, promotional message that I have been meaning to send to everyone I know in Toronto for the last two weeks. There are also about 3-5 more emails that are sort of a cross between business and pleasure that I really ought to get around to writing and sending today.
Then there is the correspondence with my summer employers in the UK and France, as well as further research/planning/scheduling for my travels and work in the UK and France. I also need to go pick up a CD with photos from our show in Halifax from my friend Brendan, re-pack my suitcase yet again (since tomorrow, I actually must get on a plane to Toronto) and get my butt downtown (a windy, hilly, 20-minute walk) to meet dear Devon for lunch during her break from rehearsal today at 1pm. Nevermind all the writing that I've been planning on doing since before I went to Vancouver! That new show doesn't need to get written, or even thought about, until like, 2009, right? WRONG. And as far as researching American work visas and possible ways for me to move to NYC in 2008... I don't need to be doing that kind of research now, do I? Naw, it'll probably be super-simple to move to the USA - they're really open, right?
Umm, ya know what? Now that I've gotten all of that out of my swirling thoughts and down in writing (yes, for the second time - my list w/check-boxes was the first)... I think I am feeling compelled to actually go get some of it DONE... Sorry for the lame-ass blog post. I signed in hoping to sort out through writing some major thoughts I've been having lately about Love, and the kind of lost that you feel when your 'real life' is spread out around the globe, and my vast, un-predictable future... But I guess that'll all have to wait until another post.
I'm gonna go get some items CHECKED OFF MY LIST!!!
Woo Hoo!
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