So I feel the need to share this with you: I have been feeling angry lately. I haven't been acting angry lately, I don't think. But I have definitely been feeling it. Not rageful, off-the-wall, crazy-frustrated angry. No, it's more like a dull, insiduous, peeved/irked sorta feeling. I just feel more easily irritated by some things. Like the fact that out of lazyness today I went to Dominion to do my grocery shopping instead of Kensington Market (an irksome enough fact, given that I am making a conscious effort as of late to shop locally and support smaller businesses - see? I'm even irritated by myself!) and when I went to buy my organic bananas, they were wrapped in plastic!!! Ridiculously excessive? Yes. Cause for a bad day? Probably not. But it got to me, ruined the rest of my grocery shopping experience, I think. And grocery shopping is actually one of my favorite activities!
Oh my. Something is clearly wrong (with me?)...
Maybe I'm not getting enough sleep. Alright, alright, I know I am definitely not getting enough sleep. But you know, it feels ironic for me to cite 'lack of sleep' as the cause for my crankiness, given my self-proffessed acceptance of my long-standing insomnia (I mean, I did write and perform my own play about facing those particular demons)... But I think the problem isn't so much lack of sleep (cause I really don't typically sleep many hours a night), but rather lack of time in my bed. As long as I'm confessing things here, I might as well tell you that for the last three nights (or rather "sleep times" given my recent semi-nocturnal work schedule), I have only spent 4-5 hours in my bed. That's really probably not enough rest for someone who is waitressing overnight, and spending her days teaching theatre workshops to high school students, doing research for the book she is writing, having meetings and photoshoots for the play she is producing, as well as meetings for the documentary video she is producing for the organisation that she is also helping to develop new food education workshops with. I'm not even going to tell you about the social life I am trying to maintain... now that patio season is fully upon us.
Oh my. Something is clearly wrong with me.
Alright, not to worry! It may be friday night, but I am determined to remedy myself! I have made a firm decision: tonight, I will not go out, and party like the fun-loving gal that I am. No, I shall go make myself a nice healthy dinner, and then promptly settle into bed while watching a movie. I've been wanting to see that "Freedom Writers" one for a while now.
Ah yes, it's settled. Tonight is about rest, and that feels better, and less irksome, already.
(If it weren't unbearably cheesy I would put a little emoticom smiley face here)
Friday, May 4, 2007
Tuesday, May 1, 2007
The Night Shift
So it's May now. And I just flipped the month over on my "Quotes of the Month" calendar and this month's quote is an ancient sanskrit proverb:
look to this day for it is life
in its brief course lie all
the realities and truths of existence,
the joy of growth, the glory of action,
the splendor of beauty...
today well lived makes every
yesterday a memory of happiness
and every tomorrow a vision of hope.
look well, therefore, to this day...
My "day" today began less than an hour ago, when I finally woke around 2pm... such a strange time for me to wake. Naturally, I am much more of an "early to bed, early to rise" kinda gal. But I work the night shift now, alot. (Well, someone's gotta work all night at the restaurant to serve the strippers when they get off work!) Last night I worked 11pm until 7am this morning, and tonight I do the same, only I start at midnite.
It's a truly bizarre and fascinating insight into another aspect of humanity to be heading to work at 11pm on a Monday night. And to work the overnight shift at a 24 hour restaurant. I wish I could further articulate what my observations, and conclusions, about humanity based on this "study" are... But at this point, it is all still so new, and just generally foreign to me, that that is the extent of my observations at this point.
I will confess that interacting with all the strippers and servers from the club across the street has got me thinking much more specifically again about what it would be like to exist in that world. And okay, the confession goes deeper: I've actually always (or okay, for the last 6 or 7 years) had a bit of an interest in becoming a part of "that" world. My first summer in Toronto, when I was just 19 years old, saw the crumbling of my relationship and me moving rather abruptly out of the house I was living in with my boyfriend, and generally broke. Broke, and a little broken too. I needed money and I looooove to dance, so I seriously considered trying to become a stripper for a little while.
And if I'm being really honest, the attraction to the job wasn't just the money either. I imagine strippers to be these sexy, powerful, fit women who get to control their income through their sensuality and the weaknesses of men's libidos. I'm sure I'm unfairly glamorizing and idealising the situation, and I don't necessarily still hold those exact beliefs anymore. But I am still curious. Hmmmmmmmmm, maybe after a few months at the restaurant I will apply to be a server at the strip club (I'm not really sure I have the physical confidence to dance naked on stage like that anymore), and then I can see more for myself. Maybe....
In any case, the "study" continues. And I shall do my best not to let the distractions of my new life as a night-shift server, and a Facebook addict, as well as many other things, take me away from my responsibilities as a blogger. And until your eyes meet my words again, I shall leave you with this twist on an ancient sanskrit proverb:
look to this night for its life.
in its breif course lie all
the realities and truths of existence...
look to this day for it is life
in its brief course lie all
the realities and truths of existence,
the joy of growth, the glory of action,
the splendor of beauty...
today well lived makes every
yesterday a memory of happiness
and every tomorrow a vision of hope.
look well, therefore, to this day...
My "day" today began less than an hour ago, when I finally woke around 2pm... such a strange time for me to wake. Naturally, I am much more of an "early to bed, early to rise" kinda gal. But I work the night shift now, alot. (Well, someone's gotta work all night at the restaurant to serve the strippers when they get off work!) Last night I worked 11pm until 7am this morning, and tonight I do the same, only I start at midnite.
It's a truly bizarre and fascinating insight into another aspect of humanity to be heading to work at 11pm on a Monday night. And to work the overnight shift at a 24 hour restaurant. I wish I could further articulate what my observations, and conclusions, about humanity based on this "study" are... But at this point, it is all still so new, and just generally foreign to me, that that is the extent of my observations at this point.
I will confess that interacting with all the strippers and servers from the club across the street has got me thinking much more specifically again about what it would be like to exist in that world. And okay, the confession goes deeper: I've actually always (or okay, for the last 6 or 7 years) had a bit of an interest in becoming a part of "that" world. My first summer in Toronto, when I was just 19 years old, saw the crumbling of my relationship and me moving rather abruptly out of the house I was living in with my boyfriend, and generally broke. Broke, and a little broken too. I needed money and I looooove to dance, so I seriously considered trying to become a stripper for a little while.
And if I'm being really honest, the attraction to the job wasn't just the money either. I imagine strippers to be these sexy, powerful, fit women who get to control their income through their sensuality and the weaknesses of men's libidos. I'm sure I'm unfairly glamorizing and idealising the situation, and I don't necessarily still hold those exact beliefs anymore. But I am still curious. Hmmmmmmmmm, maybe after a few months at the restaurant I will apply to be a server at the strip club (I'm not really sure I have the physical confidence to dance naked on stage like that anymore), and then I can see more for myself. Maybe....
In any case, the "study" continues. And I shall do my best not to let the distractions of my new life as a night-shift server, and a Facebook addict, as well as many other things, take me away from my responsibilities as a blogger. And until your eyes meet my words again, I shall leave you with this twist on an ancient sanskrit proverb:
look to this night for its life.
in its breif course lie all
the realities and truths of existence...
Thursday, April 26, 2007
An Update About My Good Life
Wow. Life (and Facebook) have really kept me from my regular blog posts lately!
Well, just in case there is anyone out there still reading and wondering what I'm up to these days, how I am doing, etc... Here I am!!!
Last weekend I had my first of four training shifts at the bar/restaurant where I've just been hired. It's a 24-hour restaurant (which is pretty unique in Toronto), but it's also a pretty cool place. Downtown. Good martinis. And as far as I can tell, cool staff who seem to be happy in their jobs - bonus! Anyhow, my first shift was from 8pm until 7am the next morning. They call this "the hazing shift" - it's a rite of passage of sorts, I think. Where they give you the longest, hardest shift of your life for your first shift, just to see how hard you can work and how good your attitude is. Little did they realise who they were dealing with... Anyhow, I think I impressed them because I have been "fastracked" now, and only have to do two more training shifts, instead of the standard 3. Woo Hoo!
Actually, I really like my new job so far. Tonight I will be training on bar, and then tomorrow night I will be serving. I am scheduled quite a bit over the next week or so, but that's good, I need the money. It's also terribly exciting to have a job that I don't really have to prepare for, or work on outside of work hours, for a change. I have no lesson plans to make. No emails to send to performers, crews, theatre technicians, etc. All I have to do for this job is show up when they tell me to, be friendly and efficient, and then go home when my shift is done... Remarkable!!!
And the other bonus about having this bartending/serving job is the flexibility. I still have some time to pursue the projects that are dear to my heart, which at this time include producing Tracey's newest show for the Toronto Fringe Theatre Festival (it's called "Two in the Bush" and it's the sequel to "The Burning Bush" and it will partially tell the story of our world tour!), delivering "Conflict Transformation" workshops in high schools for the Children's Peace Theatre, probably delivering food education workshops in elementary schools for Real Food For Real Kids, as well as co-producing a short documentary video about that program with my friend Alison and some of her fellow Ryerson grads, and researching and writing a book (more info on that later)!
And also having the most kick-ass, totally super-awesome, out-of-your-mind-FUN, summer in Toronto ever. Because I think it'll be my last for a while. Yes, the plans to move to New York City are still on. And that's something else that I ought to be devoting some time to researching and planning!
Sooooo... basically my life in Toronto consists of spending time with the people I love and pursuing the projects that are important to me... I guess I'm a super lucky gal!
Just for fun, I shall conclude this email with a picture from New Year's Eve 2006 - good Toronto times! This is me and my very, very, VERY special friend Alison:
Woo Hoo! Life is good!
Well, just in case there is anyone out there still reading and wondering what I'm up to these days, how I am doing, etc... Here I am!!!
Last weekend I had my first of four training shifts at the bar/restaurant where I've just been hired. It's a 24-hour restaurant (which is pretty unique in Toronto), but it's also a pretty cool place. Downtown. Good martinis. And as far as I can tell, cool staff who seem to be happy in their jobs - bonus! Anyhow, my first shift was from 8pm until 7am the next morning. They call this "the hazing shift" - it's a rite of passage of sorts, I think. Where they give you the longest, hardest shift of your life for your first shift, just to see how hard you can work and how good your attitude is. Little did they realise who they were dealing with... Anyhow, I think I impressed them because I have been "fastracked" now, and only have to do two more training shifts, instead of the standard 3. Woo Hoo!
Actually, I really like my new job so far. Tonight I will be training on bar, and then tomorrow night I will be serving. I am scheduled quite a bit over the next week or so, but that's good, I need the money. It's also terribly exciting to have a job that I don't really have to prepare for, or work on outside of work hours, for a change. I have no lesson plans to make. No emails to send to performers, crews, theatre technicians, etc. All I have to do for this job is show up when they tell me to, be friendly and efficient, and then go home when my shift is done... Remarkable!!!
And the other bonus about having this bartending/serving job is the flexibility. I still have some time to pursue the projects that are dear to my heart, which at this time include producing Tracey's newest show for the Toronto Fringe Theatre Festival (it's called "Two in the Bush" and it's the sequel to "The Burning Bush" and it will partially tell the story of our world tour!), delivering "Conflict Transformation" workshops in high schools for the Children's Peace Theatre, probably delivering food education workshops in elementary schools for Real Food For Real Kids, as well as co-producing a short documentary video about that program with my friend Alison and some of her fellow Ryerson grads, and researching and writing a book (more info on that later)!
And also having the most kick-ass, totally super-awesome, out-of-your-mind-FUN, summer in Toronto ever. Because I think it'll be my last for a while. Yes, the plans to move to New York City are still on. And that's something else that I ought to be devoting some time to researching and planning!
Sooooo... basically my life in Toronto consists of spending time with the people I love and pursuing the projects that are important to me... I guess I'm a super lucky gal!
Just for fun, I shall conclude this email with a picture from New Year's Eve 2006 - good Toronto times! This is me and my very, very, VERY special friend Alison:
Woo Hoo! Life is good!
Thursday, April 19, 2007
I wish I was stronger... Facebook is glad I'm not
I am not as strong as I pretend to be. I talk a good game about how f***d up Facebook is: how it has pretty much been designed by former US Bureau of Investigation spies, how it tracks our every move, message, friend, thought, etc., and then sells all this information to marketing companies and major corporations, how we all love it because it is new and exciting and so thorough(!) but essentially we are simply fodder for millionaires to make more millions, by tracking us and then selling this information... Yeah, I still believe all of this, but I am weak. About a week ago I caved in and joined Facebook.
When I first joined, it was because a group of women that I used to run a dance company with told me that it was their primary method of communication. Not wanting to miss a social engagement with these ladies whom I see rarely enough as it is, I reluctantly signed on to Facebook. But I immediately posted on my own wall, stating my disdain for Facebook, a link to an informative website about the evils of Facebook, and declaring that I was only on there to make brunch plans with the OHDC ladies. Even though I don't even like brunch!
I also made a few other ground rules for myself:
1. I would not post a photo of myself (i used a photo of a beach in Africa that a friend took instead)
2. I would not enter ANY information about myself on my "profile"
3. I would not seek out any friends (or do any other active Facebook actions, like writing on friends' walls, commenting on photos, etc.) but rather, I would let the masses come to me, and I would allow my friend count to build slowly, through my "word of mouth campaign"
I have since broken ALL of those rules. And it's barely been a week.
Not only that, but I end up talking about Facebook all the time now too. And here I am writing about it - ACK!!! This has got to stop!
It is a beautifully sunshiney day out there today, and I've already taken one stroll through the nearby Trinity Bellwoods Park, where it seems all of Toronto has decided to go and frolick today. I'm gonna go enjoy my own backyard for a few hours. Before I head off to my first shift at the bar that I just got a job at.
Yes folks, it's all true; I'm on Facebook and I'm a waitress now.
Joy to the world.
Oh my.
When I first joined, it was because a group of women that I used to run a dance company with told me that it was their primary method of communication. Not wanting to miss a social engagement with these ladies whom I see rarely enough as it is, I reluctantly signed on to Facebook. But I immediately posted on my own wall, stating my disdain for Facebook, a link to an informative website about the evils of Facebook, and declaring that I was only on there to make brunch plans with the OHDC ladies. Even though I don't even like brunch!
I also made a few other ground rules for myself:
1. I would not post a photo of myself (i used a photo of a beach in Africa that a friend took instead)
2. I would not enter ANY information about myself on my "profile"
3. I would not seek out any friends (or do any other active Facebook actions, like writing on friends' walls, commenting on photos, etc.) but rather, I would let the masses come to me, and I would allow my friend count to build slowly, through my "word of mouth campaign"
I have since broken ALL of those rules. And it's barely been a week.
Not only that, but I end up talking about Facebook all the time now too. And here I am writing about it - ACK!!! This has got to stop!
It is a beautifully sunshiney day out there today, and I've already taken one stroll through the nearby Trinity Bellwoods Park, where it seems all of Toronto has decided to go and frolick today. I'm gonna go enjoy my own backyard for a few hours. Before I head off to my first shift at the bar that I just got a job at.
Yes folks, it's all true; I'm on Facebook and I'm a waitress now.
Joy to the world.
Oh my.
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
what the world needs NOW...
Sometimes, okay, oftentimes actually. I feel so deeply the sentiment that "this world is just TOO MUCH for me". Sometimes it's too beautiful, so beautiful it hurts. But often it's just too painful in it's uglyness.
Now, I don't read newspapers. And I haven't watched TV (other than occassionally, when on vacation or at other peoples' homes) in over 8 years! These are choices. Conscious choices that I have made to avoid "the media", as much as humanly possible. Once I changed my homepage on my computer to be the Toronto Star Online, so that every morning when I logged on to the internet I would see the day's headlines. That lasted about a month, maybe.
The thing is, I really don't want to come off like a moron when conversing with others about current events. So I try to stay in the loop via CBC radio, which I listen to every morning (even though "Metro Morning" kind of drives me nuts, especially when that dolt Karen Horseman subs in for Andy Barrie, who at least drives me nuts the way your dorky dad might drive you nuts). But "The Current" and "Sounds Like Canada" are often pretty good shows. But still, I have too many days when I just desperately want to turn the radio off - because some days are just too much for me...
Ever since I took my first History class in high school, I have been obsessed with the question "what will the history books fifty, a hundred, or even 500 years from now, say about the time that I am living in, now?"
Well, it would appear that the signs of our times are the internet and student killing rampages. Oh yeah, and a ridiculous war spearheaded by the ridiculous leader of a bully of a country. Bullying - now there's a trend. World leaders do it on an international scale, and yet we're trying to convince our kids not to be bullies? And we care so much about what's cool, and making money, and celebrating violence and indifference through the music we listen to and the TV shows that that we watch, that we forget to just be nice and love each other. And then we wonder why young people break, how they shatter completely, and go out and hurt others... And our response to their violence is talk of the need for more security (what? more guns you mean?) in schools. Because no one wants to admit what the real problem, or rather the root, of all our problems is...
In my humble opinion, the great, huge, unfathomably large, real problems of our world today, all come down to the fact that we do not know how to love. We are scared, hurt, angry, sad and weak... as nations, individuals, as members of families, as employees, as husbands/wives... and from our weaknesses, and that place where we want and need so badly to be loved, but don't know how to give love, or even ask for the love that we need, comes the defensive. The way to conceal our weaknesses is to take power over others. And sadly, too often, this power comes in the form of violence.
This may seem like an overly simplistic diagnosis of all the problems of the world, but contrary to being simple, I think that to work towards rectifying this problem, to work towards solving this problem of the "lack of love" in our world is actually so impossibly huge, it makes me feel a little hopeless sometimes. Sometimes.
But only sometimes.
I have a little article that was published in NOW Magazine the week of September 11th, 2001, and the title is "I Vow To Steer Fear Towards Love". It was written by Rob Brezny. It has been taped to every mirror, in every home I have lived in since it was published. Lest I ever forget my vow to steer fear towards love, always.
Lest we never forget.
Now, I don't read newspapers. And I haven't watched TV (other than occassionally, when on vacation or at other peoples' homes) in over 8 years! These are choices. Conscious choices that I have made to avoid "the media", as much as humanly possible. Once I changed my homepage on my computer to be the Toronto Star Online, so that every morning when I logged on to the internet I would see the day's headlines. That lasted about a month, maybe.
The thing is, I really don't want to come off like a moron when conversing with others about current events. So I try to stay in the loop via CBC radio, which I listen to every morning (even though "Metro Morning" kind of drives me nuts, especially when that dolt Karen Horseman subs in for Andy Barrie, who at least drives me nuts the way your dorky dad might drive you nuts). But "The Current" and "Sounds Like Canada" are often pretty good shows. But still, I have too many days when I just desperately want to turn the radio off - because some days are just too much for me...
Ever since I took my first History class in high school, I have been obsessed with the question "what will the history books fifty, a hundred, or even 500 years from now, say about the time that I am living in, now?"
Well, it would appear that the signs of our times are the internet and student killing rampages. Oh yeah, and a ridiculous war spearheaded by the ridiculous leader of a bully of a country. Bullying - now there's a trend. World leaders do it on an international scale, and yet we're trying to convince our kids not to be bullies? And we care so much about what's cool, and making money, and celebrating violence and indifference through the music we listen to and the TV shows that that we watch, that we forget to just be nice and love each other. And then we wonder why young people break, how they shatter completely, and go out and hurt others... And our response to their violence is talk of the need for more security (what? more guns you mean?) in schools. Because no one wants to admit what the real problem, or rather the root, of all our problems is...
In my humble opinion, the great, huge, unfathomably large, real problems of our world today, all come down to the fact that we do not know how to love. We are scared, hurt, angry, sad and weak... as nations, individuals, as members of families, as employees, as husbands/wives... and from our weaknesses, and that place where we want and need so badly to be loved, but don't know how to give love, or even ask for the love that we need, comes the defensive. The way to conceal our weaknesses is to take power over others. And sadly, too often, this power comes in the form of violence.
This may seem like an overly simplistic diagnosis of all the problems of the world, but contrary to being simple, I think that to work towards rectifying this problem, to work towards solving this problem of the "lack of love" in our world is actually so impossibly huge, it makes me feel a little hopeless sometimes. Sometimes.
But only sometimes.
I have a little article that was published in NOW Magazine the week of September 11th, 2001, and the title is "I Vow To Steer Fear Towards Love". It was written by Rob Brezny. It has been taped to every mirror, in every home I have lived in since it was published. Lest I ever forget my vow to steer fear towards love, always.
Lest we never forget.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
