But What If I Have Bad Dreams?

Okay, so first of all, I'm much better now. ThankyouAntibiotics. I'm not 100% mind you, which is what made last night (as I type this it is 4:30 in the morning, and I have woken and cannot seem to find my way back to sleep...) so interesting. Although I had plans to hang out with a friend last night, I made a last minute arrangement to help another friend out and babysit her kids. This may seem really generous, but she coerced me with a bottle of wine and even ended up paying me (and my friend and I still got to hang out because he came over for dinner after les enfants went to bed), so hold off on congratulating me too hard now. In any case, I sure did give my lungs a workout in the early part of the evening when I found myself chasing her three year old and her one and a half year old around the playground at the local park!

But that's really neither here nor there at this point. It's 4:35am and I am wide awake, and for the first time in over a week, it's not because I'm coughing.

Maybe it's my good ol' travel anxiety rearing it's annoying head again? I do leave to go rehearse in Montreal for a week on Tuesday, after which I will be back in Toronto for a mere six days and then off again to St Louis. FOR THE ENTIRE SUMMMER. Yep, it's the longest I will be away from anywhere I've called home since I left Vancouver to move to England/Toronto almost ten years ago now. And it's not like all those mini (as in, a few days to a few weeks-long) absences have been easy to do...

Oh, what is it that makes it so hard for me to leave?!?!

(Oh fine, fine, I admit that that's a dumb rhetorical question, probably only there for dramatic effect. I know exactly what it is that makes leaving so hard for me, and there's just not really a need for me to explore that here and now.)

So, before my friend left me with her kids this evening she told me quickly and quietly that typically before her three year old son goes to sleep at night he asks "What if I have bad dreams?" Thank goodness she told me what the correct answer is to that question, because quite frankly, after about 25 years worth of bad dreams and sleeplessness, I certainly still haven't figured out how to deal! Apparently the answer is: "you just roll over and think about all the people that love you." Unfortunately, I think that's precisely what's keeping me awake right now.

"All the people that love me?" Well, there's my super-close, joined-at-the-brain sort of best friend, Devon, who moved back here to Toronto (after a very long absence) so recently that we will be missing our first summer together in years, because this time I will be away. Um, and isn't the summer what we Torontonians put up with this city for the other 9 months of the year for? Uh-huh, sure is. And then there's Thea, whom I would probably count among the reasons that I moved to this city in the first place (post-England.) When I say goodbye to Thea in a few weeks, it will be for much more than just three months; because before I return to Toronto from St Louis in September, Thea will have left for grad school in Texas. And she's not my only best friend who won't be here when I get back in the fall. It's looking like my dear, lovely and talented friend Anthony will have his american work visa sorted out by this summer and will be moving to New York City, liklely in July. Mark's girlfriend Christie meanwhile is leaving in a mere few weeks to move permanently to Peterborough, which means that if she makes it through her three month "probationary phase" and doesn't hate it, she will be staying, and Mark will be joining her. I'm not even sure how to count that loss - it's like an extremely painful two-for-one deal. Nevermind the fact that Alison has already left, to be a CBC reporter in New Brunswick for the year, but I'm not going to fool myself into believing that her work will take her back to Toronto anytime soon after this first contract is up.

No, I must accept that the landscape of my life here in the T-dot is changing drastically, whether I like it or not. So, maybe it's a good thing then for me to be going away myself for a few months...? To begin to explore the definition of my own life independent of the community I've worked so hard to create for myself over the last ten years?

Well, if I have to.

And I do have to. And I can. And I will. And I will survive - most likely I will thrive even. And I will count among my lucky stars the wonderful community of loved ones that I have spread all across the globe. Sounds like a good excuse for some anxiety-free travelling now doesn't it?

Just one last question though:
What do I do if I have bad dreams?

Big Moves, Big News, Intense Days...

Well, I did it. I moved. And I did it the day after the biggest snowstorm of the year, driving a cube van (aka a small TRUCK) and with the generously free labour of my very bestest friends ever!

But I'm not even sure if that is the most intense/exciting/noteworthy event of the last few days...

The last few days have definitely been jam-packed with intensity... From lovely reunions with very old friends, to packing stress, to work stress, to snowstorm stress, and moving stress (which includes but is not limited to anxiety, excitement, grief, optimism, exhaustion and the giddyness that comes beyond exhaustion)... and beyond!

But let's just start "at the beginning" (aka a mere 5 days ago) shall we?

So this is what the day looked like last Saturday morning - my moving day!

And these are pictures of the best moving team, ever!

Above: The Team (0n the load-in end of things); From L to R we have: Devon in front, Alison and Mark in the truck, Thea & Brandon. At my new place, Alison and Brandon were replaced by the amazing Johnny Hall (who can always be counted on to be there for me when I need him!) and my new roomies Laura and Louis.

Above: My Bestest Friends; Mark, Dev & Ali

Would you believe me if I told you that my move, from start to finish, took a mere 2 hours? Well, it did. Thanks to the above pictured (and some not pictured) SUPERSTARS! Sure, I got stuck a few times in the snow driving the cube van, but with what my friends like to call my "freakishly organised" packing style, and the hardest working, most generous and dedicated friends (and new roomies) a girl could wish for, it was all over in just two hours!

And did I mention that I did all this on just two hours of sleep because I stayed up until 5:30am the night before hanging out with an old friend from my Vancouver Youth Theatre days that I hadn't seen for 10 years? 'Cause yeah, that's what happened.

So, once I had returned the cube van (small TRUCK) and the lovely Devon had dropped me off back at home, I unpacked my bedding. Made my first bed in my new home. Took these photos...

My New Room!!!

First Dinner with the new roomies - they treated me to the freshest, tastiest indian food and champagne to celebrate! Yay!!! Below: Louis, Laura & Henry - LOVE!

And then, later that night, after my crazy intense move (and having had just 2 hours of sleep) I went to my long-lost friend David's band's show...

And here he is (below, with me), all growed up... after 10 years... And the totally dynamic and talented bassist of the Vancouver-based band 'Hey Ocean' - they rocked the party big time at The El Mocambo in Toronto on Saturday night!

Of course, all my super fantastic friends were too exhausted after helping me move, so none of them joined me at the Hey Ocean show on Saturday night. So I made some new, super fun (and uh, did I mention YOUNG) friends... We danced up a storm front and centre during the totally energetic and upbeat Hey Ocean show. Good times. Love, love, LOVED IT!

Below: Me and the gorgeous and fun Mor

Below: The Super Fun Girls: Piper, Catherine & Mor!

The following day, February 3rd, was the one year anniversary of my friend Emily's death. So Thea had the really lovely idea of gathering just a few of us together to honour that... I'm really glad that she did. Below: Jenn, Thea & I (Naz was taking the photo). I'll say it again: I'm really thankful that I had the opportunity to gather with other loved ones and think of Emily with love and remember her and laugh and smile and mourn...

On Monday night, Hey Ocean was playing in Hamilton. And it just so happens that my "faux cousin" (aka Holly's neice/Robin's cousin) Lindsay, goes to school there. She's a fun girl whom I figured would be up for a crazy fun adventure so I called her on Monday morning and proposed that I drive out to Hamilton, pick her up from her rehearsal at McMaster University and then take her out to see the amazing Hey Ocean at The PepperJack Cafe in dreary, awful, armpit-of-Ontario, Hamilton. She was in. It was fun. Here we are, with the fun-having:

And the last little bit of exciting news that I have to share is that I have decided that my future holds more exciting, challenging, stimulating and lucrative opportunities for me than working at a bookstore... So, today I gave my notice. As of the end of this month, I will no longer be working for practically no money, doing practically nothing. Hopefully by then some totally fantastically exciting new opportunity will have arisen for me... And if anyone out there has any great offers for me... Be in touch!