But What If I Have Bad Dreams?

Okay, so first of all, I'm much better now. ThankyouAntibiotics. I'm not 100% mind you, which is what made last night (as I type this it is 4:30 in the morning, and I have woken and cannot seem to find my way back to sleep...) so interesting. Although I had plans to hang out with a friend last night, I made a last minute arrangement to help another friend out and babysit her kids. This may seem really generous, but she coerced me with a bottle of wine and even ended up paying me (and my friend and I still got to hang out because he came over for dinner after les enfants went to bed), so hold off on congratulating me too hard now. In any case, I sure did give my lungs a workout in the early part of the evening when I found myself chasing her three year old and her one and a half year old around the playground at the local park!

But that's really neither here nor there at this point. It's 4:35am and I am wide awake, and for the first time in over a week, it's not because I'm coughing.

Maybe it's my good ol' travel anxiety rearing it's annoying head again? I do leave to go rehearse in Montreal for a week on Tuesday, after which I will be back in Toronto for a mere six days and then off again to St Louis. FOR THE ENTIRE SUMMMER. Yep, it's the longest I will be away from anywhere I've called home since I left Vancouver to move to England/Toronto almost ten years ago now. And it's not like all those mini (as in, a few days to a few weeks-long) absences have been easy to do...

Oh, what is it that makes it so hard for me to leave?!?!

(Oh fine, fine, I admit that that's a dumb rhetorical question, probably only there for dramatic effect. I know exactly what it is that makes leaving so hard for me, and there's just not really a need for me to explore that here and now.)

So, before my friend left me with her kids this evening she told me quickly and quietly that typically before her three year old son goes to sleep at night he asks "What if I have bad dreams?" Thank goodness she told me what the correct answer is to that question, because quite frankly, after about 25 years worth of bad dreams and sleeplessness, I certainly still haven't figured out how to deal! Apparently the answer is: "you just roll over and think about all the people that love you." Unfortunately, I think that's precisely what's keeping me awake right now.

"All the people that love me?" Well, there's my super-close, joined-at-the-brain sort of best friend, Devon, who moved back here to Toronto (after a very long absence) so recently that we will be missing our first summer together in years, because this time I will be away. Um, and isn't the summer what we Torontonians put up with this city for the other 9 months of the year for? Uh-huh, sure is. And then there's Thea, whom I would probably count among the reasons that I moved to this city in the first place (post-England.) When I say goodbye to Thea in a few weeks, it will be for much more than just three months; because before I return to Toronto from St Louis in September, Thea will have left for grad school in Texas. And she's not my only best friend who won't be here when I get back in the fall. It's looking like my dear, lovely and talented friend Anthony will have his american work visa sorted out by this summer and will be moving to New York City, liklely in July. Mark's girlfriend Christie meanwhile is leaving in a mere few weeks to move permanently to Peterborough, which means that if she makes it through her three month "probationary phase" and doesn't hate it, she will be staying, and Mark will be joining her. I'm not even sure how to count that loss - it's like an extremely painful two-for-one deal. Nevermind the fact that Alison has already left, to be a CBC reporter in New Brunswick for the year, but I'm not going to fool myself into believing that her work will take her back to Toronto anytime soon after this first contract is up.

No, I must accept that the landscape of my life here in the T-dot is changing drastically, whether I like it or not. So, maybe it's a good thing then for me to be going away myself for a few months...? To begin to explore the definition of my own life independent of the community I've worked so hard to create for myself over the last ten years?

Well, if I have to.

And I do have to. And I can. And I will. And I will survive - most likely I will thrive even. And I will count among my lucky stars the wonderful community of loved ones that I have spread all across the globe. Sounds like a good excuse for some anxiety-free travelling now doesn't it?

Just one last question though:
What do I do if I have bad dreams?

Things That Break My Heart:

1. Goodbyes
2. Fires that destroy things
3. When death takes our loved ones
4. Lack of communication (also, Miscommunications)
5. War, and its impacts
6. When bad things happen to good people

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Unless you live in a cave, or maybe a country other than Canada, you heard about the massive 6 alarm fire that destroyed practically an entire block of Toronto's famous Queen West last week. It was so surreal, and confusing - incomprehensible even - for me to wake up on Wednesday morning and hear on the radio that Queen Street was closed between Bathurst & Augusta because of a huge fire... WHAT?!?

This is the neighbourhood that I just moved from. (I lived maybe ten blocks or so west from where this fire began) These buildings had been a part of my daily landscape for the last two years, and prior to living in this neighbourhood, I spent a lot of time in this area... Because it was, in many ways, the heart of one of Toronto's hippest 'hoods, and very near to a few theatres that I try to frequent.

So on Thursday, on my way to rehearse his one-man show with my friend Anthony, of course I had to stop by, and pay my respects to these buildings... and the lost livelihood of so many...

B R E A K. M Y. H E A R T.

Ugh, my home burning down is one of my worst nightmares! It is one of only two recurring nightmares that I have ever had in my life. (The other is me drowning in a pit of snakes & spiders - thanks so much for that image Indiana Jones!) I can remember sitting in the backseat of our family car with my fingers crossed each time we returned home after being away for more than a few hours, silently praying as we approached our street, "please let the house not be on fire, please let the house not be on fire, please ..." I'm not sure where that fear comes from, but I was afraid of any kind of fire for a very, very long time. Funnily enough, my brother was afraid of water for a very, very long time. Conundrums.

Well, on a slightly more selfishly heart-breaking note (because it's actually a GREAT thing for my BFF, Alison), check out these pics from Saturday night, which was the Goodbye Party for my Best Friend Alison, who left on Sunday to move to Bathurst, New Brunswick to work for the CBC...

Sad Faces.
Toronto won't be the same without her.

I really don't think that I am exagerrating when I say that the last five years of my life in Toronto have been pretty much defined by my friendship with Alison. We lived together, on good ol' Vermont Avenue in The Annex from Sept '04 to Jan '06 - those were the magical, fantastic, super-fun, memorable, and some might even say infamous 'Sex and the Annex' years! (Some of you may remember that, slightly less mature but definitely juicy and exciting, blog of ours!) Winter '06 was tough when Ali spent the semester at journalism school in DENMARK(!), but upon her return in June '06 we resumed the excellentness of our inseperable friendship. We jokingly call each other "Life Partners."

So yeah, it's tough that she's moving away. I'm so, so, so, so, sooooooo happy for her though! It has been her dream since before she even went to journalism school (at Ryerson) to work for the CBC, and there was never a doubt in my mind that she could do it. So, those of you who are CBC radio listeners, keep an ear out on the national news reports for "Alison Northcott reporting for CBC News, Bathurst."

Well, since this post has been mostly such a downer, here's pic for y'all that should break your heart in the good way, with it's adorableness:

My roomies: Henry & SnoBear, dancing in my room last weekend.
Awwwwwww!

The City Was My Boyfriend

Dear Toronto,

Oh, where to begin? You know, these letters are never easy. But I feel that I really need to share some things with you.

First and foremost, you need to know that you Changed My Life. You helped make me who I am today, and for that I will be forever indebted to you! When we met, just over six years ago now, I was in a crazy place - emotionally, mentally… Hell, I was 18 and about to move in with my first real boyfriend – what?! Anyhow, you took me in right away. And I fell in love with you quickly and easily.

You need to believe me when I tell you that it was so easy for me to love you – you were everything I’d always wanted, and all that I could handle at that point in my life. You were busy and bustling, full of flagship stores and “Centre of the Universe” energy. You were new and exciting and full of the potential of my own future. You were the new home of most of my best friends, and best of all, you were not at all the place where I grew up. Theoretically, I could understand what some native Torontonians had to bitch about when they complained of your frigid weather and your lack of natural beauty, but in my heart I loved you unconditionally.

I made you My Home. You were the first home I ever made for myself. And that ain’t nothin’. How comforting it was, each time that I had to leave you – for funeral after funeral in BC, followed eventually by some experimental trips “just for… fun?” – to have that reassuring, heart-felt feeling in the centre of my being each time that my plane touched down at Pearson Airport, that I had once again arrived at Home. And how impressed I have come to be with myself for having had the ability to make such a home of you and your sprawling yet densely populated self!

I can proudly say that I have come to know you very well. And not just your popular side! I am quite confident that in a mere six and a half years, I was able to get to know you inside and out, far and wide… And from your Harbourfront that reminded me of my childhood home (in a nice way) to your imposing Bay Street; From my 6 year Annex home-base to my ongoing love affair with spending time in the east end (yes, even The Beaches); From the UofT Scarborough campus to the community centres of Brampton, Oakville & Missisauga (to name but a few); I enjoyed brief flirtations with the consumerism of Yonge & Eglinton, the sometimes nauseatingly hip Queen West West, Kensington Market and even various surburban pockets of life sprinkled throughout the entire GTA, where I taught every now and then… No, I will never say that you gave me nothing. You gave me so, so, sooo much.

Most importantly, you gave me a place where the people I needed around me, could each simply Live and Be, each in his or her own unique way. Certainly the greatest gift of the last 6 years of my life with you has been the sharing of it with the people who became My Family. And the greatest thing about Family, is that no matter where you go, your Family will always be your Family. So perhaps along those lines, Toronto will always be my Home… in a way.

But the thing is, though I can’t speak for you, and I can only speak for myself, I think we need to seperate in order to keep growing… And let me tell you, it breaks my heart to have to tell you this, but… I’m breaking up with you. You may not want to hear about this now, and it hurts me like hell to have to let go of this deep love affair we’ve been having. But I suddenly understand the truth behind every cheesy break-up cliché: It’s not you, and it is me! And in order to keep growing, to keep moving towards my bright and beautiful future, I need to move on from you. I need more space. I need a city that will challenge me further. It may sound vain, but I need a city that’s bigger, older, wiser, louder, faster, brighter, stronger… and yes, even sexier.

Alright, I guess I’ve said my peace now. I’m sorry if my truth hurts you, but to quote a dear friend of mine “spiritual growth hurts, Rabbi” (Barbara Baumawitz, aka The Burning Bush). I’ll need some time to sort myself out before I move to New York City, which is why I am planning this move for January 2008. And between now and then I will work on slowly weaning myself away from your nurturing breast by traveling quite a bit throughout the rest of this year. First I will be off to Halifax for a few short days with The Burning Bush again, and then on a road-trip to Vermont with a little blast from my past, followed by 4 months this summer in South-Central France, and possibly a jaunt over to Israel with The Burning Bush again in the fall. Hopefully this will ease the shock of my departure for both of us a little.

Oh Toronto, it is so important to me that you know how much you’ve meant to me. We had our good times, and our bad times, but always we were there for each other. I was so in love…

And now, instead of goodbye, I am going to quote another lady whose singing voice I am quite a fan of, and simply sign off by saying that:
“I-eeeeeeeee, Will ALWAYS, Love Youuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!”

XOXO