To Dream of Remarkable Things Happening In My Life (Sometime...)

I had a lovely dinner tonight with my friend Mark. He's on this very impressive cooking kick, where he tries out 5(!) new recipes a week. I've been fortunate enough to enjoy the fruits of this new initiative of his twice now - yum!

Other than the delicious food (crispy mint tilapia with veggies in a very flavourful sauce, fyi), I enjoyed some good conversation with this dear friend of mine, who knows me so very well...

We spent some time talking about what I'm doing with my life these days; I expressed that although I know that I am very much doing what I need to be doing for myself these days, it's hard for me to reconcile where I am now with the uber-achieving person that I have been in the past. I'm too tired right now to reiterate all the wise and supportive things that Mark had to say in response to this sentiment, but strangely enough I came home and randomly flipped open a book called "The Language of Letting Go" (that I actually borrowed from Mark over a year ago now!) and happened upon this quote:

"I used to spend so much time reacting and responding to everyone else that my life had no direction. Other people's lives, problems, and wants set the course for my life. Once I realised it was okay for me to think about and identify what I wanted, remarkable things began to take place in my life" - Anonymous

And I shall now take that thought and ponder it as I head to bed...

Goodnite.

Confessions From A Wandering Mind...

Am in Oakville right now. Yes, again. I'm sure I've said this before, but I like it here. And for whatever reason, this is where I want to be most of the time these days. So be it.

On Saturday night Holly and Paul and I went to see a movie: "Lars and The Real Girl." I quite loved it. Ryan Gosling plays this quiet, recluse sort of guy who basically invents a relationship for himself with a life-sized plastic doll, and the small town he lives in sort of rallies around him in support of his delusion, and in a way this doll is given life... Sort of... Explaining this movie doesn't really do it justice, so I basically just recommend going to see it.

I have to admit though, that I have found myself really compelled by this notion of inventing a relationship with an inanimate object... It seems so appealling to have so much control over something like that... It also seems so tempting to not have to live in the real world. Actually, sometimes I feel like I'm not really living in the real world these days. That I am avoiding it. I try to face it, but it's just so bloody tiring!

And you know what I find particularly exhausting/terrifying/overhwelming? Brace yourself now for the irony of this...

The Internet!

Yes, I know that coming from someone who is writing a fully accessible online blog, it is definitely ironic to be often-times paralysed with fear of the internet, but it is this wierdly addictive and powerful window into other people's lives! For instance, this morning I went and browsed through Facebook checking out pictures from the lives of people I went to university with. And then I read the blog of a friend I used to work with who is travelling through Thailand with her sister. And all I could think about was how there was so much life happening around me... And in some ways my own life feels so still right now...

A memory from earlier this morning floated through my mind: As I was recording a dream in my journal from last night, I went to write today's date at the top of the page and almost wrote September 19th. It really does feel in some ways like I've misplaced the last few months and I believe that it should still be September...

I feel as though I am being quite complain-y and lamenting too much here about my current state of being. But that wasn't really my intention... You see, although I do feel somewhat lost and at odds and ends with myself, I also feel quite strong in a way... I feel that it is strong in a way to even be writing the truth about where I am at in my life, especially when that place feels somewhat stuck and "icky". I also think that it takes strength to recognise/believe that some days are better than others...

Well, I really do feel as though all my mind can really do today is wander... And just like it is nice to go out and just take a walk some days, for no reason, I think it is nice to just let your mind take a walk some days... for no reason... I have to go back to work again tomorrow, and I will probably feel better, so for today I am going to continue to try and relax and just let my mind wander...

It's My Day Off and I'll Be Lazy If I Want To

As I was walking to work on Monday, I felt good. (Actually, I usually feel good on my walks to work. Maybe that is something worth noticing...?) The weather was really grey and misty and on the verge of rainy - totally the kind of weather that most people grumble about. But to me, it was familiar, and comforting. I distinctly remember thinking to myself: "This is the kind of November that I am used to" (Or rather, that I grew up with in Vancouver)

Now, I know it's not particularly normal to long for grey and rainy days, but that is what I have always missed about Vancouver.

I enjoyed my misty walk to work on Monday (even though my hair was a bit of a disaster by the time I got to work!) and took these pictures as I walked through the park that I am so lucky to live so near to:









I think it's another grey-ish day out there, but no rain. I think it's really the water that I like. Not the color grey.

I have the whole day off today. My first day off after working five days straight at the new bookstore job. I realise that five days may not seem like a lot of days to work in a row to some (and probably even to me, at another point in my life!) but compared to the pace of life that I've been living, and how I've been feeling, it's a lot. And newness can be exhausting too.

So anyhow, I have today off and there are really so many things I should be doing... But I just feel tired. And somewhat unmotivated. My house is a mess, but I certainly don't feel like cleaning it! I am doing laundry though - hooray for small victories, right???

I'm trying so hard to "simply" live in the moments, "be here now", and not get wrapped up in regret or worry, but that's damn hard! All I can think about right now is the fact that I made a goal for myself to move to New York City by January 2008 and it doesn't look at all like that is going to happen. And if I'm honest with myself, it's probably not the right thing right now anyways.

Ugh, enough of this grumpster-ness. I am going to go make myself some lunch (<--Hooray! Another small victory, not eating out!) and curl up with a book. It's my day off, I can do what I want!

Photos from my walk to work today...

Somehow I am still in awe of the fact that it actually occurred to me to take some random photos on my (also somewhat surprisingly) pleasant walk to work this morning, and that I actually did!!!

Check out what has become one of my regular sights these days:
(Lovely, no?)


Just before I left for work this morning, I came across a card that I received in the mail a few weeks ago from my lovely friend Thea. It was incredibly thoughtful and very apt. The front cover said this:

"THERE WILL COME A TIME WHEN YOU BELIEVE EVERYTHING IS FINISHED. THAT WILL BE THE BEGINNING." (Louis L'Amour)

The leftover death-themed Halloween decorations that I passed on my enjoyable walk to my new job today got me thinking about both endings and beginnings. So here is a picture to commemorate that...

Here, Now.

Yes, I am aware that my "summer hiatus" went on for quite some time. AND it was extended in to the Fall. Well, so it goes.

I must admit that I have been thinking about and wanting to start blogging again for quite some time now, but I have been dwelling on how to start again. I have been searching for, and drafting in my head, a way to write about and explain my "hiatus time." That is, until I recently came to the conclusion that I do not have to explain anything. I do not owe any explanations to the universe. This is my blog for goodness sake!

So here I am. Back. For now.

My life is very different these days, but that's probably a good thing...

I am presently enrolled in a meditation course. It is a "MBSR" (Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction) program based very closely on the program developed by Jon Kabat-Zinn(just google him if you're really that interested). It's good, I guess. I'm not sure that I really "get it" yet, but I am faithfully doing my homework which so far consists of an hour-long daily mediation practice (with accompanying Guided Imagery CD's - thank goodness!)

I also just started a new job last week. I cannot seem to make this statement (either privately, publicly, outwardly or inwardly) without attaching the following statement: "It's not My Next Great Career Move, but it's good for now."

The job is in a lovely little bookstore that specialises in selling books on alternative health & spirituality, and healing, as well as gift-y type products such as cards and journals, gemstones and crystals, jewellery, essential oils, etc.

As I happen to currently find myself at a bit of a "crossroads", or period of change, (Or Whatever), I think it shall be a perfect job to help me bring stability and routine to my life (as well as a very minimal amount of income - but something is better than nothing, right?)

Anyhow, my big goal right now is to LIVE life and not be defined by what I do.

I'm starting to really focus on enjoying simple things: Taking a walk on a nice day. A good meal. A good movie. Good company...

I am planning on learning to knit. I am really looking forward to this.

Presently I am in Oakville (where I have been since Saturday night, but I have to head back to Toronto this afternoon/evening because I have to work tomorrow), I have been enjoying a little visit with Holly & Paul (Robin's parents). I've actually spent quite a bit of time here over the past few months; it's a good, safe, supportive place for me, and I hope to keep my visits here regular over the next few months.

It was my birthday on Friday. I tend not to make a big deal of this occasion, and it wasn't a big deal, but it was lovely. (Perhaps more reflection on birthdays will come later this week...)

Holly and Paul bought me my (icredibly generous) birthday gift early and gave it to me when I spent about a week with them around Thanksgiving in early October, when Robin was here. They bought me a digital camera. Here are a few shots from the lovely, lovely time that I got to spend with them and Robin while she was here:


Robin and I immediately after jumping in to the freezing cold lake at her uncle's cottage near Kingston, on Thanksgiving weekend. This mini "polar bear swim" (or as it's been more aptly named by Robin's Aunt Janet - The Turkey Splash) was the brilliant idea of Rob's cousin Lindsay, who conveniently forgot to bring her bathing suit.


To be honest, I probably wouldn't have pursued this ridiculous notion of jumping into freezing cold water on Thanksgiving weekend, if Robin hadn't been so intent on it. But I'm glad we did it. It was fun. And it was especially lovely to spend that whole week at the beginning of October with Robin and her parents... Very, very lovely...

Soooooo...
It is my intention to write more, again, on this blog, as my journey through life continues... Guess we all just have to wait and see what happens...