Sunday, March 23, 2008

The Best Kind of Tears

This is the second day in a row now that I've spent the morning lounging around in my pyjamas, leasurely eating my breakfast and drinking my tea, followed by an easy 'trek' up the stairs to my room where I nonchalantly find myself settling in to some random task... sorting through my files or voyaging around the facebook (ummm, yes, I have files, I love filing things from my life into sometimes sensical and sometimes not so sensical order!) And then - for two days in a row now - I suddennly end up in tears. The good kind though.

I find myself seriously weeping - in gratitude and awe for the beauty of my life and the people in it!

And maybe I am also weeping for all the hurt that I have felt in my not-so-long life thus far. Perhaps part of this weeping is a mourning for those times when the beauty of this world was not as apparent to me as it is now, it was hard to find. Perhaps part of this weeping is a frustration about the fact that the beauty and love and light that I see and feel all around me right now, will not always be so easy to see... A resentment for the fact that 'the good times' are pretty much inherently defined by the existence of the not-so-good...

But mostly, I think I am weeping the very best kind of tears - the happy kind.

Yesterday they were brought on while I was filing some old resume/job/school application stuff and came across some old letters of reference... As I reread what my former employers had to say about me - from the camps that I used to teach at as a teenager, the community centre I pretty much ran when I first moved to Toronto, and even from my high school friends' parents when I needed to apply for scholarships and financial assistance in order to continue attending university! - I couldn't help but swell with intense gratitude, both for the kind words and recognition of these people whom I respect and admire so much, and also for those magical, challenging and life-changing experiences themselves! So then I cried a little.

And today, I was actually creeping around on the facebook, looking at the profile belonging to my roomate Laura's best friend (who lives in Vancouver and I've actually never met, but we're facebook friends - go figure! Whatevs.) So, even though I don't really actually know this woman personally, I just feel so connected to her, and I have this deep sense that we are sort of 'kindred spirits'... Maybe I feel that way so strongly because reading her fb profile today made me weep... Made me weep in awe of the beauty of the world and the fact that there are people out there who declare things in their "About Me" section on fb like:

"I love it when my boy wraps his arms around my neck...I've been waiting for that moment my whole life. I own a restaurant where the loveliest people work. I live in Vancouver and miss the east all the time because that is where my peeps are. I am so over crack addiction. I love revelations...learning how to live, laugh and cope. lately the world seems hard...but by now I know that it always gets better...long live hot days, tanned shoulders and the ocean. peace...is it too much to ask?"

And here I am, weeping again! And realising that you're probably not, and that's why this woman is probably a 'kindred spirit' of mine, because her very simple words and thoughts can make me weep and that is our connection. And it's a good thing. And I like it.

And for now, I think that's all I have to say.

Laura and Henry are away this week, skiing with Laura's parents. I miss them. So I decided to use the built in camera function on my MacBook and take this picture today:

EASTER KISSES FOR HENRY!

XOXO,
From "Mmmmm...bdgaiufha"

or however you say it Hen ;)




Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Gotta Love It (when life feels like 'Buffy')

WHOA! I can't believe how much time has flown by since my last post!

But mostly, I'm just really feeling quite pleased about why it's been so long since my last post...

My aunt Colleen in Vancouver often sends me little email notes in response to my bloggings, and when I've been absent from posting on my blog for an extended period of time she often writes to me saying something along the lines of "I hope the reason you haven't been writing on your blog much lately is that your life is so busy and full of wonderful things." But alas, often the case is the exact opposite. Usually, my absence from blogging is an indication that I'm feeling not-so-up-to-snuff... It usually means that I'm feeling so bogged down by the reality of my life (whether it be so insanely full it's overwhelming, or so uneventful it's depressing) that I can't even handle the self-reflection involved in writing and publishing the truth of it.

Well kids, that is NOT the case this month!

Considering I was unexpectedly unemployed as of the middle of February (I believe I mentioned the bookstore fiasco in a previous post), I have been surprisingly BUSY over the last few weeks! Conveniently, I have scored some drama teaching gigs with a few companies that I worked for years ago (and karmic-ly enough, THEY actually contacted me to ask me to come back and teach some classes and workshops for them, at pretty much the exact time that I needed to find work!) But I am definitely still on the hunt for more work (*and am currently accepting job offers by the way, both near and far, should any of you wish to propose an opportunity for me*), which keeps me busy... internet job searching, cover-letter writing, resume-updating, emailing, facebooking - oh wait, that last one has nothing to do with my job search, it's just an addiction!

Okay, so anyhow, that's pretty much my life in a nutshell these days: facebook, email, job search, teaching and hang-out time with my roomates... In a word: AWESOMENESS.

There have also been more than a few occurances of note over the last few weeks that I have meant to blog about, but just never got around to doing in a timely fashion. Thankfully, I've always been a big fan of that "better late than never" expression. So thus, I present to you,

A Few of My Favorite Thoughts (Inspired by the events of the last two weeks):


"I love it when my life feels like Buffy"
At the beginning of this month I got called in at the very last minute to lead a workshop for a children's theatre company that I used to work for, to replace one of their facilitators who got offered a supply teaching gig that she couldn't turn down. I have to admit, it felt pretty good walking back into that scene, because I was basically one of the original developers of the workshop we were to deliver. This, along with my genuinely enthusiastic personality, seems to make me quite popular amongst my co-facilitators. There were ten of us facilitators assembled that day - a blustery cold and snowy friday - each one of us would independently deliver a full-day workshop to either a grade 7 or 8 class (the older ones naturally being the more challenging). When we arrived at the school, buzzing with the excitement of the day ahead of us, the vice principal led the group of through the hallways of the school, pointing out the various classrooms. With each passing classroom, our supervisor Jason directed one of us to depart from the group and head to our respective "stations"; I giddily remarked that it felt like the final episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, when the gang assembles in the Sunnydale High School and prepares to seperate and take their respective places throughout the school for THE final battle. (Only true Buffy fans will appreciate this but,) I felt soooo much like we were living that moment! And, being the last facilitator to be stationed (and with one of the more challenging, grade 8 classes), I naturally felt like the Buffy of the group. Of course. What can I say? I really love it when my life feels like an episode of Buffy!

"Another Tuesday, Another Snowstorm"
Did you know that there have been minor to major snowstorms here in Toronto on 4 out of the last 5 Tuesday evenings? I do, because I have spent the last 5 Tuesday nights trudging through a park in the east end of the city to the Children's Peace Theatre where my friend Mark and I have been given space to facilitate a program with some teenagers we used to work with. We're basically just volunteerig to spend each Tuesday evening with them, to provide a space for all of us to take time away from our everyday lives, reflect on our personal goals and achievements and work towards our own personal successes. Sound vague to you? Yeah me too. We're still figuring it out, but no matter what it is that we are "officially" doing, we are definitely working together and having some laughs and good times along the way! I sure do love the time that I get to spend with them, but I am definitely ready to not have to trudge through the snow anymore!

"There is no good reason for me not to get my nails painted HOT PINK. In fact, there are many reasons to support such an act."
Somehow, at some point over the last month or so, I miraculously (and somewhat randomly) managed to stop biting my nails! I have been chewing my fingernails ever since I had teeth and fingernails to chew! I have tried multiple times to stop, but to no avail. I used to chew them so much, my hands would be bloody and raw. But somehow (maybe something major in my life, or just inside of me, shifted and changed and...) I just stopped. I noticed this a few weeks ago and then decided to make the stoppage more conscious. And then yesterday afternoon, I rewarded myself with my very first manicure. And since I'd never, ever, had a professional manicure before in my life, I chose a color that I have always wanted... ever since I was a little girl: A bubble-gum bright, irridescent, hot pink! Love it, love it, LOVE IT! (And the fact that my friend Jason actually NOTICED AND COMMENTED on the fact that my nails matched the hot pink ribbon I had in my hair yesterday is simply the icing on the cupcake)

"Don't be afraid of the egg"
It's so funny, just before I began to type this section "the egg" came and crawled into my lap (you'll understand in a sec...)

So, this past Monday night I gave my roomate Laura her (belated) birthday present of one night of free babysitting. I wasn't sure when she was going to redeem this gift from me, because Henry (my shortest and youngest -at 16 months old - roomate) has never had a babysitter before. Well, his grandparents have watched him for a few hours at a time, but I was to be his first non-familial babysitter. And I had bedtime to negotiate, since neither mama nor dada would be home before 11:3o/midnite. Right before he left the house, Louis shared with me a "tip" (that came in the form of a story) about "the transfer" - which is when I have to transfer the baby (Henry) into bed, once he falls asleep. Louis' story was about his mother, when she was a cook in the diner his parents used to own. Apparently she was really bad at making fried eggs, because she always broke the yolk. One day a man came in and ordered eggs. Louis' mother warned the man about her 'egg handicap' and the man simply told her: "don't be afraid of the egg." And well, she never broke another yolk. Louis told me that that's what he thinks about every time he has to transfer the precious sleeping Henry into the bed - don't be afraid, just do it - smoothly, quickly and confidently.

Well, the tip worked. I never broke another baby again. Er, I mean, I never woke another yolk... I mean...

Well, I think you know what I mean...

I mean...

SUCCESS!

Thursday, February 28, 2008

Update from The Junction

Yesterday I walked in the front door, home from teaching my Wednesday afterschool drama class that I enjoy so much, and found my two roomates, Laura & Henry, hangin' out on this red cushion here:
We chatted for a bit as I stood in the doorway taking off my boots, but they just looked so darn cute flopped there over that square red cushion that I had to whip out my camera and take a picture.

Soooooo, things are going well here as we approach the end of my first month of living in The Junction with Laura, Louis & Henry. Teaching my afterschool drama classes three days a week is also keeping me happy and stimulated. Unfortunately, earlier this month I endured a small fiasco with my former boss (the owner of The Bookstore) because she kinda lost it when I gave her my notice (three and a half weeks notice, by the way)! So I ended up terminating my employment immediately. Which certainly hasn't done wonders for my bank account, but it's given me lots of time to spend bonding with my new roomies, looking for exciting new work, volunteering with the teenagers that I used to work with and helping my friend Anthony with his one-man show, Art's Heart. Oh yeah, and unpacking. Little by little...

I woke up strangely early this morning, gripped with the sudden motivation to unpack and organise my boxes of books... Maybe this had something to do with the fact that Robin is coming in to town today, so that we can go see her cousin's band (AMOS THE TRANSPARENT) tonight at The Drake (yes, ugh, I know) and then she is staying over... Or maybe I've just reached the breaking point of staring at unpacked boxes...

In any case, books are finally unpacked and arranged on my new Ikea bookshelf (that I painstakingly assembled by myself last week!), and some are neatly re-packed and stored away in boxes in the basement, for the future... And my bedroom is one step closer to feeling settled into... My desk still needs to be organised, a couple shelves still need to be mounted on the wall, and then one day... I will even decorate and put my photos and posters up again...

One day...

Monday, February 25, 2008

Things That Break My Heart:

1. Goodbyes
2. Fires that destroy things
3. When death takes our loved ones
4. Lack of communication (also, Miscommunications)
5. War, and its impacts
6. When bad things happen to good people

----------------------------------------------------

Unless you live in a cave, or maybe a country other than Canada, you heard about the massive 6 alarm fire that destroyed practically an entire block of Toronto's famous Queen West last week. It was so surreal, and confusing - incomprehensible even - for me to wake up on Wednesday morning and hear on the radio that Queen Street was closed between Bathurst & Augusta because of a huge fire... WHAT?!?

This is the neighbourhood that I just moved from. (I lived maybe ten blocks or so west from where this fire began) These buildings had been a part of my daily landscape for the last two years, and prior to living in this neighbourhood, I spent a lot of time in this area... Because it was, in many ways, the heart of one of Toronto's hippest 'hoods, and very near to a few theatres that I try to frequent.

So on Thursday, on my way to rehearse his one-man show with my friend Anthony, of course I had to stop by, and pay my respects to these buildings... and the lost livelihood of so many...








B R E A K. M Y. H E A R T.

Ugh, my home burning down is one of my worst nightmares! It is one of only two recurring nightmares that I have ever had in my life. (The other is me drowning in a pit of snakes & spiders - thanks so much for that image Indiana Jones!) I can remember sitting in the backseat of our family car with my fingers crossed each time we returned home after being away for more than a few hours, silently praying as we approached our street, "please let the house not be on fire, please let the house not be on fire, please ..." I'm not sure where that fear comes from, but I was afraid of any kind of fire for a very, very long time. Funnily enough, my brother was afraid of water for a very, very long time. Conundrums.

Well, on a slightly more selfishly heart-breaking note (because it's actually a GREAT thing for my BFF, Alison), check out these pics from Saturday night, which was the Goodbye Party for my Best Friend Alison, who left on Sunday to move to Bathurst, New Brunswick to work for the CBC...
Sad Faces.
Toronto won't be the same without her.

I really don't think that I am exagerrating when I say that the last five years of my life in Toronto have been pretty much defined by my friendship with Alison. We lived together, on good ol' Vermont Avenue in The Annex from Sept '04 to Jan '06 - those were the magical, fantastic, super-fun, memorable, and some might even say infamous 'Sex and the Annex' years! (Some of you may remember that, slightly less mature but definitely juicy and exciting, blog of ours!) Winter '06 was tough when Ali spent the semester at journalism school in DENMARK(!), but upon her return in June '06 we resumed the excellentness of our inseperable friendship. We jokingly call each other "Life Partners."

So yeah, it's tough that she's moving away. I'm so, so, so, so, sooooooo happy for her though! It has been her dream since before she even went to journalism school (at Ryerson) to work for the CBC, and there was never a doubt in my mind that she could do it. So, those of you who are CBC radio listeners, keep an ear out on the national news reports for "Alison Northcott reporting for CBC News, Bathurst."

Well, since this post has been mostly such a downer, here's pic for y'all that should break your heart in the good way, with it's adorableness:

My roomies: Henry & SnoBear, dancing in my room last weekend.
Awwwwwww!



Monday, February 18, 2008

love (and chocolate)

I must say, I had such a very lovely Valentines Day (or "Aphrodite Day" as my friend Deirdre prefers to call it, on the basis that apparently there never was a saint called 'Valentine', so if we're gonna have a day that celebrates love, it should be named after the goddess Aphrodite! Works for me.) So anyways, I had an appointment with my therapist, Julia, on the afternoon of the 14th - a "therapy valentine" as she called it in an email to me, adorably. After which I decided to go out into the world and do a little valentines day photo shoot mission... "interrupted" by a delectable sushi dinner for one (that would be Me) followed by a workshop called "Love and Chocolate" hosted by my friend Deirdre in the backspace of my former workplace, The Bookstore.

Deirdre sent a follow up email to the workshop which included "the poem we wrote together." When I read that, I remember thinking, what poem?!? But then what followed was actually a poem formed from each of our answers to the first question of the workshop, which was "What is the one thing you know about love?"

So, here is our "poem":

What do I know about love?
by Adriana, Daniela, Diana, Holly, Nicole, Erinn, Meghan, Angela, Deirdre

I know...
I'm in love right now
it's a transcendental bond
love is a gift
I know...
love is the greatest healer
love is everywhere
love transcends everything
I know...
love is powerful
love is painful
that we can't choose what is love is but we can be what love is

And here, is my "Valentines Day Photo Project":
Post-Therapy Valentine: Snow Heart


Vespa Love


Love is in the Air



The Glow of Love in The Junction



And it all comes full circle, with yet another self-created
Snow Valentine.
But this time, by the end of the night, the glow seems warmer...