But What If I Have Bad Dreams?

Okay, so first of all, I'm much better now. ThankyouAntibiotics. I'm not 100% mind you, which is what made last night (as I type this it is 4:30 in the morning, and I have woken and cannot seem to find my way back to sleep...) so interesting. Although I had plans to hang out with a friend last night, I made a last minute arrangement to help another friend out and babysit her kids. This may seem really generous, but she coerced me with a bottle of wine and even ended up paying me (and my friend and I still got to hang out because he came over for dinner after les enfants went to bed), so hold off on congratulating me too hard now. In any case, I sure did give my lungs a workout in the early part of the evening when I found myself chasing her three year old and her one and a half year old around the playground at the local park!

But that's really neither here nor there at this point. It's 4:35am and I am wide awake, and for the first time in over a week, it's not because I'm coughing.

Maybe it's my good ol' travel anxiety rearing it's annoying head again? I do leave to go rehearse in Montreal for a week on Tuesday, after which I will be back in Toronto for a mere six days and then off again to St Louis. FOR THE ENTIRE SUMMMER. Yep, it's the longest I will be away from anywhere I've called home since I left Vancouver to move to England/Toronto almost ten years ago now. And it's not like all those mini (as in, a few days to a few weeks-long) absences have been easy to do...

Oh, what is it that makes it so hard for me to leave?!?!

(Oh fine, fine, I admit that that's a dumb rhetorical question, probably only there for dramatic effect. I know exactly what it is that makes leaving so hard for me, and there's just not really a need for me to explore that here and now.)

So, before my friend left me with her kids this evening she told me quickly and quietly that typically before her three year old son goes to sleep at night he asks "What if I have bad dreams?" Thank goodness she told me what the correct answer is to that question, because quite frankly, after about 25 years worth of bad dreams and sleeplessness, I certainly still haven't figured out how to deal! Apparently the answer is: "you just roll over and think about all the people that love you." Unfortunately, I think that's precisely what's keeping me awake right now.

"All the people that love me?" Well, there's my super-close, joined-at-the-brain sort of best friend, Devon, who moved back here to Toronto (after a very long absence) so recently that we will be missing our first summer together in years, because this time I will be away. Um, and isn't the summer what we Torontonians put up with this city for the other 9 months of the year for? Uh-huh, sure is. And then there's Thea, whom I would probably count among the reasons that I moved to this city in the first place (post-England.) When I say goodbye to Thea in a few weeks, it will be for much more than just three months; because before I return to Toronto from St Louis in September, Thea will have left for grad school in Texas. And she's not my only best friend who won't be here when I get back in the fall. It's looking like my dear, lovely and talented friend Anthony will have his american work visa sorted out by this summer and will be moving to New York City, liklely in July. Mark's girlfriend Christie meanwhile is leaving in a mere few weeks to move permanently to Peterborough, which means that if she makes it through her three month "probationary phase" and doesn't hate it, she will be staying, and Mark will be joining her. I'm not even sure how to count that loss - it's like an extremely painful two-for-one deal. Nevermind the fact that Alison has already left, to be a CBC reporter in New Brunswick for the year, but I'm not going to fool myself into believing that her work will take her back to Toronto anytime soon after this first contract is up.

No, I must accept that the landscape of my life here in the T-dot is changing drastically, whether I like it or not. So, maybe it's a good thing then for me to be going away myself for a few months...? To begin to explore the definition of my own life independent of the community I've worked so hard to create for myself over the last ten years?

Well, if I have to.

And I do have to. And I can. And I will. And I will survive - most likely I will thrive even. And I will count among my lucky stars the wonderful community of loved ones that I have spread all across the globe. Sounds like a good excuse for some anxiety-free travelling now doesn't it?

Just one last question though:
What do I do if I have bad dreams?

"I DON' WANNA!"

Sometimes I think that Bronchitis is what happens when you deny the presence of a cold for too long; Karma bites you in the ass and suddennly you're too sick to even enjoy the lounging that is now required of you. One day I will learn the value of self-care, one day...

At least I listened to my friend Mark this afternoon, the first time he told me that I should go see a doctor. Albeit this was after several days of holding in and denying the total exhaustion and weakness that I've been feeling. I knew I was sick, but for some reason I just have this knee-jerk "I'm fine/Don't worry about me" reaction whenever I could actually really use someone to take care of me... In any case, I happen to be in Oakville with my, uh, 'almost-parents' so at least I'm being taken care of. Now that I've finally admitted how awful I feel.

This afternoon, as Holly and I sat in the waiting room of the local walk-in medical clinic, we watched as a mother struggled with her clearly unhappy 3 year old daughter. I'm not sure exactly what was wrong with the little girl, but it can be assumed (since we were sitting in a medical waiting room, and based on some of her mother's comments) that the little girl was sick. And sickness is typically uncomfortable. Hence her whining, and wailing, and occassional flailing. "I don' wanna see the doctor" she said calmly when her mother threatened her weakly with "I'm going to have to take you out of here and then you won't be able to see the doctor, and we won't be able to make you feel better..." Nice try mom. I could practically see the little girl lighting up at the thought of getting out of this stuffy and unpleasant waiting room. I wasn't exactly having a grand time myself.

As I watched this little girl, only slightly annoyed by the disruptive nature of her vocal displeasure, I mostly longed for that freedom of emotional expression that comes with being a child. Sometimes I long to be able to throw myself down on the floor and give voice to all my fear, anxiety, frustration and sadness with a hearty wail of "I DON' WANNA!"

And as my departure for St Louis (where I will be spending this summer, performing in a kids show) grows nearer, and my typical pre-departure travel anxiety begins to quietly set in, I find myself longing for an outlet to even gently whisper "I don' wanna leave my friends for the summer..." especially when so many of them won't be here when I get back in September, thanks to grad school and other wonderful life-moving-forward kind of opportunities.

Oh yes, there's lots I could whine about right now. But I think for the most part it's just the fever and the tightness in my chest trying be heard... So hopefully with this blog post, I've gotten a little bit of that out of my system. Next up: the mucus in my chest (Oh, SORRY! Was that too much information?)

Always In Style...

Pictured below: Me and my friend Annie with Project Runway (Season 1) Winner Jay McCarroll at the Toronto Hot Docs screening of the film '11 Minutes' made about his first runway show.
MmmmHmmm.

So I've been thinking a lot lately about style, and two of it's inherent accomplices: grace and character. Because it suddennly hit me, almost out of nowhere, the other day as I was driving around the city, that kindness, grace, and compassion never go out of style. Perhaps this realisation came to me in sharp contrast to my recent experiences with a handful of female, middle-aged, Canadian film & television actresses with whom I have intermittently come into contact with recently (through a temporary job that I have been workding); And though I don't enjoy having to be negative about this, I must say, there is no other word to describe their behaviour towards me other than B-I-T-C-H-Y. To be fair, it was really only three quarters of these women that deserve that word as a descriptor, the other quarter should be described as delightfully opinionated and even FRIENDLY! (Alas, she just proves that it is in fact possible to be part of this particular demographic and not be Cruella DeVille's twin!)

In any case, I've found myself further ruminating on the notion that true style has so much to do with the grace of your character. I've come to the conclusion that adopting compassionate and respectful habits will ultimately give you way more style cred (in my books at least) and probably staying power... Or at least, it oughtta.

One 'style icon' who gets major cred in my books is Jay McCarroll, who won the first season's competition on the reality T.V. series 'Project Runway', which pits emerging fashion designers against one another in creative, time and market-sensitive fashion design tasks. I have oft been heard announcing that among my 'top ten best memories of my life' are the few weeks in Spring (2006?) when my friend Annie and I used to wake early on Saturday mornings and go to dance class, only to then spend the rest of the day lounging in her apartment watching the first season of 'Project Runway', while drinking beer! Counter-productive? Maybe. Totally fun? Absolutely.

Both Annie and I seriously fell in love with the show as well as Jay McCarroll - not only was he a totally fun and funny character to watch, he was a totally delectable designer too! So you can imagine what a thrill it was when we found out that an entire documentary film had been made about Mr. McCarroll and his first runway show post-Project Runway. We went to its first screening in Toronto, during the Hot Docs festival last week, and actually got to meet and chat with Jay a little. He was lovely. And he referred to me as 'the next Miss America', after I asked him a question in front of the entire film audience during the post-screening Q & A! I think he meant it in the best possible way... whatever that is.

The long and short of all these anecdotes and reflections is this: I love fashion and all that glitters, but the kind of style that I really admire is the kind that balances the "pretty" with the "please" (as in, the ability to be respectful, polite and kind.)

Baby's First Garden!

It was SUCH a beautiful day today here in Toronto! I awoke this morning (after a rare 'good sleep night'), lounged in my sunny bedroom for a while watching a documentary film on my laptop while laying in bed, followed by some invigorating sun salutations (yoga) and pilates. (Sorry, just had to brag about that. Don't worry, Laura already made fun of me and my "perky pants" self this morning for that keen-ness!)

I wasn't sure what I was going to do with myself on this irresistably sunny day. So when Laura invited me to join her on a field trip to the garden center, I though, "sure, why not?" I've never really gardened before. (Save for those days as a child, when I used to play in the dirt while my grandmother tended to her huge vegetable garden!) So I was excited about this new adventure!

And gardening didn't disapoint me. I feel totally satisfied with the dirt under my fingernails and the (perhaps not blatantly visible) progress that we made on the beautification of our front yard today! Do what you will with the photographic evidence:

Our front yard, PRE-gardening.

(I swear, the previous owners of this house must have NEVER raked the leaves... There were layers, upon layers of leaves to deal with before we could even think about gardening. We filled SEVEN giant, oversize-garbage-bag-sized garden waste bags with leaves and mulchy-ness!)

MID-GARDENING MAYHEM:

Featuring: My Ass

And Henry meets his first worm:

"Worm Learning" - Awwwwwww!

Finalement,
The Saturday Afternoon Gardening Adventure concludes...

And quite frankly, I don't care if you're impressed with us or not. 'Cause I sure am impressed with the work we did today! AND, I'm super-excited to return home from St Louis at the end of this summer and find the lilies and gladiola that I planted today in bloom!

But until then,
I'll just enjoy the immediate gratification of the pansies we potted today:

Me & the fleurs.

(My) Life Is A Rainbow

So here I am, perched happily amidst the cushions on the "window seat" (i.e. bay window) in our living room (playing with the camera on my computer, obviously), listening to some uplifting tunes compiled on a mixed CD for me by Devon (the best way to listen to music really - when it's specially selected for you by your best friend!!!), alternately attending to some email-related tasks and allowing my mind to wander as I gaze out the window over my shoulder...

Thinking about the kids drama classes that I've been teaching for the last 9 weeks that wrapped up this week... Feeling so bittersweetly proud of myself and my "students," and all the that fun we've had, and all that we've accomplished together over the last 9 weeks... But also a little bit weepy about having to part ways and say goodbye...

I am reminded of my classes at the community centre that I worked at when I first moved to Toronto, EIGHT YEARS AGO NOW!!! Those "kids" are teenagers now! Holy crap! Gosh, that was a special time and place in our lives... I am filled with wistful pride as I remember how devoted some of my "students" have been to me. The thought of it all just warms my heart so completely. It is so gratifying to think about being "successful" with my intentions of sharing my passion for the arts and for life with these young people. And also, I've loved them all. So, so, SO VERY MUCH. And I think that's been clear to them as well.

And now I find my mind wandering to memories of when I was a student of various children's art classes, or a young pre-teenage volunteer assisting remarkable artists in Vancouver, where I grew up... I caught myself thinking about this 'chain of role-modelling' that I seem to find myself a part of, and how remarkable and beautiful I find it to be... To realise that I am so very much who I am today because of the incredible teachers and role models that I had as a young "apprentice" in the arts world of Vancouver, and to now be able to see myself as a role model and teacher for other children, teens and youth... It is basically just a total honour to find myself as a link in this precious chain of creativity, arts appreciation and personal support!


Well, there's more mind-wandering to be done before the sun sets here at my bay window perch, and so, I shall...